Regret Bites

I have been resisting sharing this post for a while.  I did one of those dumb Dad mistakes which I really regret.

Lexi over here on the left has grown up to be quite the incredible little red haired lady.  She is 14 going on 30.  She knows exactly who she is ("Know Thyself" ), what she wants, who she is going to marry, how much money she is going to have, the kind of car, what her job/career will be and what her husband will be doing in his career... get the drift?  She is sassy pants and very funny and has acquired a healthy sense of self-assuredness.  The kind I certainly didn't have growing up and even envy now.

She has grown up playing soccer in the shadows of her 3 older siblings who all have played competitively and at a pretty high level.  While she hasn't been the 'soccer animal' that some are, she has been that steady, consistent and never misses-a-practice-or-game kind of player.  

Her two older brothers and older sister have all made the High School soccer team as Freshman which is a considerable accomplishment.  All of them most likely will end playing 4 years.  Lexi is a Freshman this fall......So, the topic of High School Soccer girls tryouts came up earlier this Spring.  Mom was getting Lexi all prepped for the idea of it all.  She began coaching her on what she needed to do etc.... meanwhile,  Dad was wrinkling his forehead, being quiet, and not really being on the same page about her prospects and began second guessing Mom's abundant enthusiasm......

As I saw the time for tryouts get closer, I decided the time had come to 'prune' the conversation and expectations down a notch.  I began to slip in little quips like "Listen Lexi, you know just trying out for the team is like winning!"  or  "You are very small, and this is a different level of competition, so just remember that..."  and "How would you feel if you didn't make it this first time round?"  etc.., etc... etc.....

The bottom line was I really didn't think she would make it.  I mean after all, I did live in Brazil, the land of Pele which basically makes me an automatic subject matter expert on the sport.  And it was now my rightful duty as Dad to manage her expectations for her....Oh how the self-justification felt so good.....then.

First there was a month of intense training.  She made it through all the training sessions.  I was  surprised!  This was then followed up with 2 days of actual tryouts.  The first day came.... I got home and asked McKenna how Lexi did: "Fantastic!" she said.... I was like "What??, How??"  "What do you mean?"  She went on:  "She was awesome... she played so well the coaches were commenting on her performance." It wasn't computing for me..... "Be more specific"  "ok... well she did this cool maneuver and dribbled past a defender and went down the line and then crossed the ball to center..."  Me:  "She has never done that before right?"  McKenna: "Right, but she did it today and she killed it!"    Oh no!..... I was in big trouble.  You know that that very bad feeling when you do something wrong in the pit of your stomach ?... yeah, that icky sick lump of horribleness that starts to gnaw at your  soul ?  Well it began for me.....

Lexi walked in the door.... I braced myself for a long series of sarcastic in-my-face comebacks and smack talking.   I waited, she was normal and didn't say anything.... So I finally asked her how she did:  "Good."  She wouldn't even look at me as she confidently brushed by me.... "McKenna told me how great you did, that is so awesome!  Good job!"   her:  "Yup" as it to say: "Tell me something I don't already know...."    One day passed, then another.... she never did her normal "in your face" or "See Dad, you were WRONG!" kind of stuff which she usually relishes in doing....Now she wasn't and it sucked big time... I felt very out-of-the-house.  (*I don't know what that means but that is what I felt).   I finally had to face the music and tell her how wrong I was.  I felt horrible and hoped that she would forgive me. I felt so much shame.

What kind of Dad doesn't cheer her kid on!  Wow....big disappointing moment for me.  It doesn't even sound like me.... but it was me.  It was a jagged pill that I hated swallowing but as I did I was reminded of something my Dad shared with me so so many years ago.  I was thankful for it.  It gave me the perspective I had lost.  You have probably seen this......it affected me deeply then as a 15 year old and I needed it to again now 35 years later.

The Cast
I lost the starring part in Our Town

To Linda, a girl not half as good as me,

Who kept her eyes down

For the whole tryout, and even stuttered.

When the cast was posted

And the high school drama coach

Saw me reading it through my tears,

He put an arm around me and said,

“Now, look—things are not always as they appear.

This is not Broadway;

It’s an educational institution.

We’re here for two reasons—to put on a show,

And, more important, to help people grow.

Someday you’ll see.”

So Linda played Emily,

And she didn’t even stutter.

And I was Third Woman at the Wedding,

Watching and wondering how he knew

What she could really do

If she had the chance.

Since then I have guessed that God,

Being a whole lot smarter

Than my high school drama coach, might be offstage sometimes

With an arm around a questioning cast:

“Now, don’t try to outguess me.

Sometimes the first shall be last

And the last shall be first,

And I’ve got my own reasons.

I need some strong ones to star

And some strong ones to stand back.

And I’m going to put out front

Some you might not choose,

But you’ll see what they can really do

When they have the chance.

Mortality is an educational institution.

We’ve got to put on the show,

And, too, we’ve got to help people grow.”

As I walk through the scenes,

Watch the costumes move,

And listen to the lines

Of the powerful, the weak,

The rich, the poor,

I look at the leads with less awe than most,

And at the spear-carriers with more.

So, I have been watching Lexi's games.  She is awesome.  She has totally stepped up and grown so much in just a few short weeks.  Literally right before my eyes.  Her teammates love her and cheer her on like you cannot believe.    

Hah! I say to you Aaron Brown...  maybe you should leave things in God's hands a little bit more and stop thinking your brain is so dang smart.  

At the end of the day, I am just so grateful for a forgiving daughter who quietly taught me such a valuable lesson and for not hanging on to any bad feelings when she probably deserved to.

Lexi, you perservered, you overcame, you climbed the mountain and you yelled:  "I DID IT!!" you have won the day because of it...Keep on sailing and never doubt your heart!  I wont' ever again...