Doce Amargo....

I am not sure why.......but for some reason ever since I was like 10 years old I found that I had an attraction to twist endings to stories.  Sometimes they were tragic, often full of irony sometimes just bittersweet.  In Portuguese the term is "Doce Amargo". 

irony: "incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs"

I remember first being aware of this when I per chance came across  a book in our family library called "O'Henry's Short Stories". I was in 5th or 6th grade in Jakarta Indonesia.... Let's just say there wasn't a lot of "Must See TV" programming there....leaving loads of time for incredible reading journeys.  O' Henry certainly took me on a number of fantastical ones.... I remember his were the first stories ever that caused so much post-reading reflection.  I couldn't help try and wrap my head around the most interesting ironic twists he weaved into his tapestry of storytelling.  I was 'woven' in with the best of them.... I was an instant fan.

The first short story I read was "The Ransom of Red Chief. It made me laugh. It was good enough to keep me reading more until I eventually read all the stories in the whole book. The stories that stood out were "The Gift of the Magi, "The Last Leaf" and the "The Cop and the Anthem".

These simple but amazing well written stories introduced me to everyday social scenes where very normal people experienced tragedy, humor and happiness sometimes all at once but in profound ways that made my heart feel things I had never felt before as a kid.  O' Henry had a way of "compelling"' me to empathize with the characters way before I ever knew what "empathy" meant --I remember often I would stop in the middle of reading, put the book on my chest and then dreamily play out in my minds eye, how each character would react to, feel and deal with the ironic idiosyncrasies they experienced. It was odd in a way, but I found great interest in evaluating my own response to it. It was an important development stage for me to realize that real "human stories" didn't always have to end with "happily ever after", rather that happiness could co-exist with bits of tragedy, loss or .... with bittersweet irony......Even though I didn't have much of life's experience, I knew somehow that these endings were more "real" than most of the others I had read. They dented me like an old dinged car that could tell a lifetime of stories of roads traveled.    I loved what they did to me.....

"The Gift of the Magi" marked me in particular. The story was written so well and the surprise twist ending left me almost physically breathless--(I know, weird for a 10 year old) but it happened nonetheless. It was my introduction to "IRONY". I didn't know what the word meant, but I became quite familiar with it's application after O' Henry had his way with me.... How he emotionally drew me in to the depth of his characters love and how so ironically it played out in the end was wonderful, but dug at me at the same time. ....It wasn't fair!! They deserved better because their love and sacrifice was pure!! So, I remember keenly experiencing opposing feelings of sadness while at the same time marveling at the irony and how the tragedy of their actions actually reinforced their love for one another! The two main characters may not have ever truly known just how much they loved one another had they not both sold what the other needed. Amazing!.....and he never really had to use sarcasm to make his point.  I felt the immediate conflict of joy and exasperation at the exact same time... the idea that I could not reconcile both left  me restless but sated.  So weird, so unusual...yet so fulfilling at the same time.

Wish I could explain it better for you....

As my life....continued to meander through the years I kept this feeling close and nurtured it with greek tragedies, various foreign films and tragic European romances... I found I continually sought after and felt a closeness to these themes.  I went way beyond O'Henry as each new country I was exposed to offered its' own particular brand of "doce amargo" storytelling.  Every culture has it I learned.  These are universal themes.

So what?  What is the learning here?  
                                                       Good question....  

Here was one example of how things played out that helped me appreciate something that I normally would not have:

Back when I was single and dating. I had set my eye on a girl.  I  "carefully" crafted a series of plans that would introduce me to her without being too awkward.  The 'door approach' worked.  This opened up the door for several short but frequent conversations that ultimately led to me asking her out. We had 1 short sweet non-eventful date.

Weeks later I called her and asked her out again..... I was not prepared for her response, but it had profound affect on me. She said:

"Aaron, I need to tell you that I am not interested in dating you......"

Commercial Break:  You know how in movies there are those sequences that take the form of a super slo-motion-psychodelic-drug induced kaleidoscopish dreamy thing where everything is spinning helplessly out of control..?? Like someone totally tripping out?

Ok, well that started happening to me...., it was surreal....I fumbled for a something to say, but I was caught so off guard that I was speechless.  The way that she delivered that message to me was so honest, so authentic, no games, no umming or ahhing, so perfectly delivered that it simply robbed me of any quick comeback, retort, or even any response at all...... There is a wonderful metaphor that applies here: "Nailing the coffin shut". Basically, all I could actually say, was:

 "Ok....I understand, thanks for being honest with me." and it was over.....she was nice, polite, respectful and pulled the weed out by the root, no chance for any recourse, or any possible growth later... Simple, but effective.........and oh so lethal!

My first emotional response after the initial shock was "Wow am I stupid."   My first rejection. I immediately had more empathy for all other "rejectees". Wow, it really hurt! As I let myself go through the normal "I am such an idiot" process I was somehow able at the same time to realize just what an amazing thing she was able to do.

How many times do we let ourselves fall into that nasty slippery false slope of :

"I don't want to date, I just want to be friends" 

which almost always ends up meaning absolutely nothing but rather fueling a prolonged wishing, hoping and dreaming of a hopeful happy ending by one of the parties....

To the girl it means "It is done, it is over, leave me beast with the least amount of communication possible"

To the guy it means "So, you are saying there is a chance?!!!" (Jim Carey in "Dumb and Dumber). But in my case, the only way I could take it was the same way she meant it, it was "over". The more I marveled at how she did it I found a new respect for her. In fact, I actually appreciated the fact that we both didn't have to spend unnecessary time and effort working towards something that wasn't going to work. It was a bittersweet illumination for me.... liked it although it didn't taste all that great.  Ironic...

As I examine my life, there are things that I coulda, shoulda, wish I wouda for sure....But I like to think of them more as 'doce amargo' moments--trade offs. Sometimes giving something good up......for something better. Sometimes the "better" doce part doesn't show up for awhile, but it always does seem to arrive, even if on its own timetable.  Other times the more bitter 'amargo' part would actually be welcomed.

The times I have experienced bittersweet feelings the most have been with friends. Growing up overseas, always making new friends, then always knowing there would be the inevitable....."leaving" as well.  I grew up with terrible "longings" or "saudades" for friends that I had made and left, knowing that for most, I would never see them again--ever. It caused me great pain as a youth, but in time I learned to appreciate both the newness of the new land and the departure of a place already experienced.  I wouldn't trade all the bittersweet feelings I have had a lifetime of for all the incredible friends that I have had to say goodbye to.....

“Love is a hidden fire, A pleasant sore, A delicious poison, A delectable pain, An agreeable torment, A sweet and throbbing wound, A gentle death.” - Fernando de Pujas