Doorways

I have been thinking a lot about doors recently.....

I am not sure why, but I have taken photos of doors on almost all my worldly travels.  Not alot of them, but ones that catch my eye and make me wonder.....

What is it about a simple door that creates such a compelling interest for discovery and adventure?

If I walk by a wall I am not nearly as interested in learning what is on the other side compared to the delicious feeling of excitement when faced with a door.  It creates an impression and often an emotion.  One may judge an entire house or structure simply from its doors.

It is as if the door must be opened.....that I must see what is there.  But then I think, what if I do see, will I be disappointed?  Will it be less than what I expect? Will the mystery that my mind has conjured up wither away? 

I find myself hesitating.... Maybe it is best to be patient, to pull back my hand as it reaches out to open the despite the strength of its beckoning.  Ah! so hard to resist.....

Doors are so suggestive to me.  Especially old weathered ones.  They seem very wise like an old man would be.  Patient, watching, full of life's lessons to share, but waiting for the right moment to do so.

What is most profound to me of all, aside from the romantic allure of yesteryear's ancient tales, is that they represent transition..... Passage, from one place to another..... The stories thus could tell of personal treks and travels.  In many mythologies, doors often symbolize the passage from one world to another.  Aren't our lives actually a sequence of a multitude of doors?

At first glance, the most obvious tales would be of physical journeys of moving from location to another. Could they also be a metaphor for spiritual ones as well? ...  Just like physical locations can be different from one side to another, could we become different spiritually because of specific doors we have passed through?   I am believer.... I think I have become something different not only because of the amazing physical places doors have enabled me to visit, but also spiritually.  These doors have changed my vision, my mind, how I see the world, others....myself and ultimately God.

There have been times in my life when I found that extra gear, to be extremely conscious about coming home everyday from work, trying so hard to make that mental shift, to leave behind the grist and grime of the world's troubles and work's worries before I ever stepped into the most important door of my life.... the one to my house where the most important things in the world are found.... my family. That door.... represents that first important step, that first thought, that first word, that first gesture, that first expression that has the potential to totally change the trajectory of the mood, tone and spirit of my home.  Finding the willingness to empty my mind of everything and making a 180 degree turn, calling upon Heaven for a little help, and then seeing how that simple, subtle change inside can change everything for everyone inside!!   This has been too fleeting in my life.... I hope I can find this again.....I need help.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

Yes, I love doors!  They will continue to mystify me and fill me with visions of adventure and fantasy.....That I hope never changes.  Some have been opened by others, some by chance, often by choice.  Some have been rocky, some have been smooth. Sometimes I have learned the lessons, sometimes I haven't.  Through all of them I have encountered the best of people that could possibly exist.  They have all left indelible fingerprints on me forever.  I am grateful for all of them.

Regardless, at the end of the day...... I love the spiritual doors the best.  I haven't always understood some of these journeys and therefore haven't always valued them as much as I should have. While many doors seem so shiny, exciting and alluring, almost impossible to ignore, these spiritual ones look different.  At first glance, they often look dull, plain and bland at first glance. But, upon further review and with different eyes once passed through, they are the golden ones that make our hearts hurt good, hard tears to flow and our souls fill, quenched with living water....  They fill us to the brim in unexplainable permanent ways.

He leaves us all with this simple invitation:

"I am the door.  If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture."

I can't speak for you, but I could use a little pasture in my life.....maybe you are looking for that too?

Twilight in D.C.

It was a Saturday, at twilight.  We hadn't seen the WWII Memorial before.  It seemed fitting.  The temperature was perfect. 

As I walked around the fountain and listened to the noise of falling water I was drawn to a panel of many gold stars – each representing 100 lives lost.  I read carved in granite quotes from past Presidents and I looked at each column representing each state of the Union.  I thought about how young these men and women would have been, giving their lives so that I could be in a safe country, where I could worship freely and enjoy a standard of living that is almost unparalleled among all nations.  I started to feel the familiar lump start to form.  I looked to my left and saw the Washington Monument tall, straight, reaching up piercing through the sky as if looking for truth.  And then I looked just past it and in the distance and saw the enormous stately dome of the capital.  I turned and looked down the opposite direction across a very long peaceful span of water leading to the Lincoln Memorial.  The lump got bigger and started to rise in my throat.  

We made the long walk down along the reflecting pond of still water taking and arrived at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial.  We climbed the steps looking furtively for a glimpse of the man sitting up there, between the pillars… that noble and honorable man that gave his life believing in a set of principles that this country was founded on. 

We walked in...and looked at the enormous statue and the quiet powerful gaze from his eyes that pointed all the way down across the mall.  I read the Gettysburg address carved into the wall.  I looked up at his face, wondering what he might be thinking......  We went out and sat on the steps with hundreds of others from all over the world.  I took it all in.The lump turned into water and I felt warmth in my chest as I remembered what an amazing country this is that  I live in, that I belong to.  What a wondrous site this capital is, for all the world to see as a beacon.  I felt inspired and stirred to patriotism in a way that I haven’t recalled for many years.  I was grateful for the men and women who enabled that feeling who had passed on.  I looked around me and to my left were some Italians, behind me Arabs and to my right French.....I wondered what their experience might be.  Was it wrong for me to hope that despite the current political climate that they too might be inspired? What would they say when they went home?  McKenna and I lingered there on the steps, soaking in all the people around us, watching them enjoying the beautiful night.  We didn't need to say much, because we both were having our own experience remembering.   I remembered that while I felt like a global citizen and always will, at my core I was American.  That meant something and I needed to be reminded of what that was.  A set of principles and ideals that were grounded in belief of God, freedom and liberty.  It was a poignant night filled with many emotions.  I was glad McKenna was there.  It made it all the sweeter.

The full orange moon rose in the sky next the Washington Monument as we walked back in the night.

It was like remembering who I was..... and it felt right.

The Glorious Aching

Hola Papi!  Como vai andando....?  Tem sido um ano que voce decidiu partir daqui pra fazer um passeio com sua querida Jennie. 

Hi Dad!  How's it going....?  It's been a year since you decided to leave here and take a walk with your sweet Jennie.  I spent the day thinking about you.... It was profoundly quiet and yet so full of incredible memories.....

It isn't the same without you, but I bet Mom felt the same way for a lot longer... I know who is going to win that battle for sure... I couldn't be happier for you!

I have a couple of images that I carry around with me of you: One is this picture of Don Quixote.  I read part of his story today stopping often to picture how you would react to different parts of this beloved story you identified with so much.   I thought I saw your smile and heard your familiar laughter.  That was pretty fun to experience again.  I re-read "Or I'll Dress You in Mourning" and found you all over the place.   I wish I had talked to you more about that book and what it meant to you.  I know it was deep and you connected with Cordobes' plight in a personal way.  I believe it is your deep empathy of the "underdog".  I have looked at underdogs with a different perspective since you parted and I hope that I feel what you may have as you so often rooted in their behalf with great hope for anyone that found themselves resembling or fully wearing that title.

I miss you..... terribly!

How grateful I am for.....the early Saturday morning trips to the AERA Club to play tennis all morning in Jakarta.  Often, it was just you me driving in that huge station wagon in the early gray mornings.  I loved watching you play even before I knew how.....What was at least as much fun was listening to you socialize in the clubhouse with all the people in between matches.  Your wit made the time pass so well for all.  I remember the crazy spins you would make on the court completely driving people crazy... I think you loved that even more than winning!

Those early days shaped my own love for tennis. Remember later in Brasilia, when we would make those late night runs to the Embassy courts where we would play for hours?  Saturdays there were even funner because I got to play with you... How many doubles matches did we play?  Many!  How lucky was I...?  Completely!

I miss the lazy Sunday afternoons in Monterrey when you would get on the piano, which was rare and play your own special versions of chord progressions and turn them into sonatas and etudes extraordinaire!

I loved being around you... you didn't say much often, but there were those long deep drinking sessions where you would reveal everything and a new universe opened up to me.  To get a peek into your heart and mind was so special to me.  Normally the only way there was through your poems.  But I will treasure forever the you and me late niters that were like drinking from a deep cold clear well of water.

Today I thought of you and thirsted mightily again.... Oh! The need for another long drink with you is so strong I can feel it.  I know you would if you could.  I will close my eyes and pretend that you are right here, quietly and knowingly listening to all the contents of my heart and then with great kindness watch you blow the chaff away.... leaving only that which is bright and pure to shine light and your particular brand of big picture perspective into my life, reminding me how I should see things and consider others.

....I just want you to know that you will always be so close by to me.  I lean into you often and I know you know that.  I appreciate your help when things get hard here.  I feel you close and it means a lot.

Maybe I can find you in the woods for a stroll one day.  I know a place..... Not sure if you will be there, but I will try.  I will let you know so you can put in your calendar ok?

I miss you Dad.  The aching continues.... and will always burn in the very best of ways.  It is certainly glorious....


Much love and affection,
Aaronius Maximus, your 5th

Trigonometry and Trisonomy 21

It was early Saturday morning.....I had just jumped on McKenna's bed to wake her up!  She was already awake, as if just waiting for the right catalyst to the next adventure.  We decided to go see Landon's and Alexa's BYU intramural soccer games.  Both of them were on teams in the playoffs.  I hadn't seen a game all season so this seemed like a perfect time to go.

We arrived and they were both there in the huge indoor football arena on campus.  Sitting with them was Andrew, a young man of 14 that Landon tutors.  Andrew has Down's syndrome.  When Landon first met Andrew he wasn't sure if he was up for a sustained part-time tutoring gig.  Andrew's parents, knowing how hard it was to find people that would care enough and that would that would stick with Andrew over time, asked Landon if he would tutor Andrew. A year and a half later, Landon is still there, as always for Andrew.  Landon has forged a wonderful relationship with him and has a number of really special experiences with him.

This was my first time meeting "Drew" and he shook my hand and sat back down in the cross legged position on the soft green artificial turf.  He didn't say anything.  He had a BYU tank top and athletic shorts on with white socks pulled up and slip on deck shoes.  He had a well worn, shredded nerf football in his hands.  He was sweet and pretty quiet, but his eyes and ears were active!

The kids were excited we came to see them play.  Landon's team played first and did really well.  He scored 3 times and they ended up crushing the other team.  It was super fun to see him play with such enthusiasm and fun.  Alexa's team was next.  They were in a higher division and had some awesome players.  They played a hard fought game and came out on top 2-0.  Both games reminded me of the years of practice they went through as kids, through high school and club.  The repetitive drills of passing and ball handling techniques.  

Soccer is a game of angles and the relationships they create.  In fact, one might say that it is a game of trigonometry.  That subject that seemed so elusive to my non-mathematical high school mind made for a beautiful game (jogo bonito) when applied to a real life application.  It was beautiful to watch the angles play out with feet and ball like an choreographed dance.

What was most interesting however wasn't the soccer games we came to see.  It was watching all 3 kids interact with Drew throughout the time we were there.  One of the first things Alexa said to me quietly was how cute he was.  McKenna couldn't resist and found herself throwing the football back and forth with him.  He could really throw a spiral--amazing!  Lexi joined in several times.  It was simple enough but then it seemed to trigger these 30 yard spontaneous sprints he would make.  His legs all gangly and awkward but his face intense and focused as if he was running an Olympic 100 yd dash! He would stop, and then do it again.  He was his own person for sure, but it was evident though that his interactions with the kids would prompt a variety of spontaneous activities in him.  Landon, who knows him best would get him so excited and run around and play with him.  Throwing for sure won the day as top activity, but he mentioned that Andrew was in a really good mood.  I watched the kids the whole time, the small things they would do.  Each of them, without talking, without a plan, would simply find ways to connect with him.  I noticed one time when McKenna sat down cross-legged once and taught him a "patty cake" type hand clapping game.  He would get embarrassed and put his face down over his legs to hide for a while.  He would then show us how he could stretch and be so flexible and limber.  It was his body was made of rubber.  He would do all these poses with different angles.  Pretty amazing.

It didn't hit me until later, that there was another application of trigonometry -- Because he has this one extra chromosone called Trisonomy 21, his body is free from tight tendons and muscles that keep you and I a bit more rigid.  Andrew's body can do all kinds of trigonometry that you and I cannot. We watched the unusual angles he produced and marveled what he could do.

What got me emotional though, was watching the care and love each of my kids had for Andrew through their interactions with him.  It just seemed to flow from them.  I really didn't remember teaching them anything specific about this, but early contact with a cousin with similar "gifts" certainly shaped their feelings.  They had profound respect for his limitations and could laugh and enjoy the trigonometry he could create.  Not just the angles of his body, but the relationship of the "angles" and connections he created with each of the kids, because of one little miniscule chromosone.  They wanted him to be happy and were willing to take the time to spend with him, for him.  Not for anyone to see.  It revealed their hearts to me.  I was so inspired.  I felt that familiar warmth creep up from inside and felt the emotion rise in my heart and eyes.  They threw the ball back and forth, they ran races together, talked with him, and tried to engage with him throughout the time we were there. 

I thought of the countless hours Landon has now spent with Andrew over the past year and a half wondered all the things he has learned from him.  I learned a lot in a few hours watching and interacting with Andrew.  I learned about him, about my kids and a little bit about myself.  Mostly though I learned another little lesson about how scientific things like Trigonometry and Trisonomy 21 have meaningful application to our lives and can find a way to make more room in our hearts for things we do not understand.

While many might not consider one extra chromosone a gift from God, when seen through a different perspective, that one small add can make all the difference in the world.  Trisonomy 21, packaged just right, and perfectly placed with the right person, can change the trajectory of the heart.... of at least three people that I know.  I wonder how many others Drew has changed and influenced.  
What myriad of angles has he orchestrated in his own "jogo bonito" or beautiful life that has inspired understanding,  patience, love and many other virtues in others.  

I cannot say what happens in that beautifully quiet and misunderstood mind of his, but I would not be surprised if he isn't really just here to help us re-imagine the trigonometry of our own lives so that we create the more meaningful angles or connections to others.  Life is a game of angles and the relationships they create....

....Yes, I thought I came to watch a couple of soccer games.... I did....But that isn't what I will remember.  I will remember how I felt.... a little bit closer to heaven and I thank Drew for bringing out the best in me and my kids.  One day he will know if he doesn't somehow already.

.....Maybe I will have to re-think the whole "I hate Math" thing--Trigonometry is pretty cool after all.....

It Takes Time

It's true isn't it? 

Things take time....

I can thing of many experiences and events just in the past year that have brought me to this conclusion.  No matter how fast I want things to go or progress, many things in my life are just taking their own sweet time.....

After being frustrated at initial attempts to hurry things along, I find myself circling back around, over and over again to this truth, that although I have free will and can choose to direct my life, I am simply just not always in control of speed, sequence or acceleration.

Things at work, things with kids, things with friends, things with marriage all seem to setup in a way that is tempering my impatience, elongating my view, causing more humility and allowing me to take on new perspectives that I would not have appreciated had I been able to move at my own pace.

I really like the phrase:  "Slow your roll." It suggests more than just slow down... to me, it invites a more contemplative state, as if to be aware of what is going around you instead of just speeding down whatever life's "highway" you may be on.  

Is it possible that somethings are just meant to take time?

I have a number of friends that have become expert at the art and science of barbecuing/smoking meat.  The more I hear them talk and understand, the more the principle of patience and taking time applies and comes to life for me.  They talk about all the pre-work one must undertake with the right wood, the right rubs, the right spices and then always there is this long process of hours of marination....  by the time you actually get to eat your dinner, it has gone through like 24 hours of careful, painstaking preparation--but the results are amazing!  It is completely worth it they say.

So..... Things take time....

I think about the things we did as parents when the kids were young hoping they would learn early in their lives the importance of certain values and habits often feels hopeless because we expect results much sooner then they are able to digest and appreciate.  It is only years later, after much consistency over time might they come to realize those things you invested in with so much passion, emotion and hope might actually be recognized or appreciated.  When those small moments occur, they seem like huge wins inside!  Years of waiting can immediately disappear with one small  "Mom, thanks for helping me not make a horrible decision"  or the best one  "Mom, thanks!"

Once these little moments start, they seem to trickle in with a bit more consistency and flow.  Each one is like a precious gem.  It is amazing how few a parent actually needs to hear to feel validated for trying to do the right thing....when it seems so easy to second guess ourselves with the "could have, should have's" that never help or take us anywhere good.

I have received a couple of these recently.. man did they feel good!  they melted my heart and burned inside with a warm glow.  Maybe, just maybe I did a couple of things right.... I guess wondering will always be part of being a parent.  Maybe that is what keeps us on our toes, so we remember we are never done, no matter how old they are or even if they leave home.   I don't try as hard anymore, I try to listen more, ask a few more questions back, and then hold my tongue and bring to life this new phrase I am learning... 

Keep chill....and Slow your roll.....More often things tend to turn out better than over analyzing, over orchestrating, or thinking too hard.  (All of which I am pretty terrible at....)

Miyazaki the Genius

I cannot remember how I was introduced to Hayao Miyazaki's amazing body of work.  I just know it was around 2001 and I had no idea how a simple little movie would move me so much and make such a huge impact on me and my kids.  It started in around 2001 with "My Neighbor Totoro."  That was enough!  It was one of the most elegantly simple and pure movies I had ever seen, much less an animated one.  I found it amazingly refreshing, poignant, completely beautiful, innocent and magical.  You could say that I was somewhat breathless by the end. After "Totoro" I couldn't get enough.... 

Miyazaki's serene masterpiece nails the infinite possibility of growing up, the sense of wonder, and the life-or-death urgency that comes along with it.


Incredibly enough, almost every movie that came after that were all so wonderful in each of their own way.  One of the things I love most about Miyazaki is how he sees through the eyes of children, and mostly through the eyes of girls and women.  He doesn't do cliche romance and he doesn't love stomping out evil either.  He believes in a balance of both good and evil.  He understands the tension, and treats it very delicately as informed by his pacifistic position.  He manages to transform you into the child inside with ease, and then he makes you believe you always will be.....pretty cool!  

.......He helps us remember childhood before we forgot about it.

"Is someone different at age 18 or 60?  I believe one stays the same."

-Hayao Miyazaki

Watching his films has been a lifetime journey thus far with the kids.  We often, even know, will pick among his many movies, anxious to see and feel those familiar feelings we know are going to be there, every time, like a super solid bet.  I think I have watched Miyazaki movies more frequently than any other movie.  They transport you away to a place, that doesn't really even seem that far away..... imaginative?  Oh, for sure, but they all seem to happen right around us.  They cause emotions to soar, and they help you articulate feelings you didn't know you had.  You start to empathize with the lead characters.  The hero's are never so powerful, so big, so talented, gifted with powers....rather they are kind, peaceful, curious and caring, sometimes hilarious.... always connected to a cause that you find yourself holding onto unknowingly.  These magnificently brave and courageous characters overcome many obstacles, lots of adversity and usually find themselves at the brink of despair, but always come through because of the purity and kindness of their hearts.  They are just beautiful!

He almost never explains enough... part of his genius is in his understatement.  He draws you in unexpectedly and you are so glad he does.  

Some of his work is serious, tragic, depictions of the consequences and implications of war.  But to me, they are all important. You sense his strong sensibilities towards many things in society, but he never falls into the trap of making sure you understand, he just paints what he sees, and then let's you immerse yourself, and decide for yourself where you stand on the matter.  I have grow a lot more empathy than I ever thought I would for things that are happening around me today in this world.  He is deep, he is serious and he is childlike.

If you haven't sipped from this well, I invite you to do so... please start with "Totoro" and then go from there.... My bet is on the well! 

Enjoy remembering your childhood again....  and again.....!

#WORLDONFIRE

To me, the world seems to be on fire....  I am sure I have an insulated perspective sitting where I sit as I wonder if what I am experiencing is isolated or not.  Regardless, I find myself reflecting about the world today and how different it was only a mere 10 years ago....

A few months ago I went to the Burning Man exhibit in Washington D.C.  What a interesting and weird deal that is.... There is seemingly no real purpose and its mission seems pretty aimless....people gathering to co-exist, smoke pot, be hot in the desert together and then burn stuff.

We have raging fires burning out of control in California. All kinds of everything burning to piles of ash and rubble.  Pure devastation.  The loss of home, communities, and lives was difficult to watch and comprehend.

The current political climate is scorching.... I can't bear to watch the news anymore... Everyone is screaming and screeching at each other in the worst kind of ways...  There is no room for rhetoric from either side.  Just continual embarrassing unprofessional diatribes looking for standing ovations from splintered special interest groups.  The blazing moral divide in our society is widening everyday and what is incredulous is that we all see it but don't seem to want to close the gap.....like at all!  What might look like a "phase" in our collective global journey, is morphing into the new permanent future that seems to celebrate the certainty of catastrophic contention--the new cement of our society.

Diversity and Inclusion awareness is sweeping across corporate America like a plague.  What should be a set of noble principles piercing people's awareness such as unconscious bias and fairness is now threatening the very principles it stands for... the pendulum has swung so far that now no one can utter or voice an opinion because it will inevitably offend a #metoo-er to such an intensely inflamed state that there is no room for apologies, concession, or mutual discussion.... just an enraged outcry for justice as if the person has been wronged their entire lives.  Those that bark the loudest don't really even want a solution... because a solution would mean that there would be a mid-point....yes, even a meeting place where two people could meet, have coffee, share experiences, find empathy for each other's position and then see how and if one could help the other.   No!  We can't have any of that nonsense!  The idea of compromise or consideration for anothers' idea is entirely unacceptable anymore.  Why would either side lower or subject themselves to such a deplorable level?  .... Oh no!  This could never happen.... Any shift would mean "losing" or giving in, or selling one's soul... It is all or nothing now.

Calm cannot exist in this new environment.  How about a hopeful reach for peace you might ask?  No, not possible.  The justification for one's individual's position is the new truth of our day.  Whatever I decide you have to accept....Tolerance has been redefined.....  If you aren't on my side, then you must be done away with....  You have no position, no say, no space in "my" world.....I don't want you to just "understand" me and no, I don't want you to just "disagree" with me but still "respect" me... I actually want you to not exist anymore, because that would probably be better.

Is this what you see?  10 years ago I saw it occasionally, today I see it in front of me all day long, no matter where I turn, politics, sports, entertainment, work, TV, and social media.... it is everywhere.  Everyone deserves an "oscar",  not really for the highest level of performance, rather for other reasons.  I should get a standing ovation because I identify myself as a 6'4" blonde woman despite being a 5'10" brown haired male.  I am convinced that in the very very near future being a heterosexual will be viewed as bizarre and strange and practically abnormal.  What is normal is no longer.....what is morally wrong seems right and what seems righteous is skewed into something that seems wrong.  I am constantly reminded that what I thought was very strange about the citizens of Panem in the Hunger Games is actually being personified more frequently in real life......not just in Hollywood, but all over.....at an accelerated pace.

What bothers me the most is the hatred factor.  Disrespectful behavior is not honorable or acceptable.  But flat out hatred? I thought that was only found in truly exceptional cases that pointed to a certain known handful of named people throughout history.....Nope...not any more.  I know people personally that would rather have someone be wiped off the face of the earth than even have to listen or talk to them about something contrary to their own views.  I find that completely crazy and incomprehensible.

..... So where does that leave me?  Do I bury my head in the sand and hold my tongue?  Do I pretend to "go along" with stuff?  Am I willing to lose friends?  Can I still wear my BYU hoodie outside of Utah without fear of what that will provoke?  To be honest, I don't always know the answers to these questions.  In an age where religion is viewed as one of the most intolerant of all institutions I find myself actually looking more closely there to hold onto the principles of my own faith and listen to what my conscience tells me feel is right.   I have been tossed a bit in this whirlwind.... I have had to shift my feet to find more solid footing.  I have had new doubts surface for the first time ever....... Where I thought I was strong I have learned I haven't been after all.  The noise has forced me to re-evaluate and connect to those things that I know to be true and am searching for ways to grasp onto them more tightly.  Maybe all of this is helpful after all.....to cause the self reflection needed to make the necessary changes.

Yes... the world is on fire and it can't seem to rage high or strong enough.  I fear this fire will leave a more lasting and deeper devastation than anything the California fires did or what Trump says or does.

The good news is that I am learning a lot about myself and where to find the answers. I am so blessed to have friends and family to help me.  I just know I can't and won't let go of hope and will find a way to persist through the smoke and heat.