Blindspots

 The irony didn't hit me until about episode 4 or 5 of "The Dog Whisperer."  

Don't ask me why I started watching this series.....I didn't grow up with dogs and so it makes my watching it even more puzzling. How I became fascinated with this particular show I can't say except there was something quite remarkable about Cesar Milan and his ability to help solve a variety of "dog problems".  

It was after when Cesar said he said that what he does has little to do with the dogs and a lot more about training the humans. It seemed subtle, but that hit me. 

When I heard those words that something clicked inside.  I instantly recognized my attraction.  It was exactly that.... that what he was doing was using his knowledge of dogs to help train, discipline and rehabilitate the human.....interesting. It wasn't really about the dogs so much.

It changed how I watched all subsequent episodes. I began focusing through a different lens to watch him do his thing. The irony is that the human owners really didn't see it that often.  They didn't know they were paying Cesar to help them vs their dog.  They only saw the different behavior of the dog vs. their own.  They knew they had to do different things, put new habits into place, but I am not sure how often they realized that they were the cause of their poor dogs behavior. 

I loved that idea....  The seemingly mystifying "dog magic" was really about intuitive sense of people who had the wrong mindset, belief windows and behaviors that was causing a variety of problems with their dogs.  They often were at their wits end and desperate for some relief.  They often couldn't just see their own blindspots.

I completely realize this show is not shattering revelation to most people.  I am actually probably catching up with everyone else--Yes, slow poke.  What I loved being reminded of is that those dog owners are just like us, even if we don't have dogs.  The idea that we all need to have someone see us for who we are and then at times, when we really need it to be open to feedback.  

How often are we causing grief for others and we don't even know we are the cause?  Are we those parents causing unnecessary interference for our kids?  Do we think we are always right?  Do we feel justified in our friendships and other relationships or would it be helpful to have a "Cesar Milan" in our lives show up and be able to point things out to us, in a helpful way that we just can't see?  Maybe a peek into a mirror to get sense of equilibrium and truth.  We may not always like what we hear or see.  We sometimes won't face the pain because the truth may hurt too much. What are the implications if we don't?  Do we pay much more later as a result of postponing a change of heart, a belief or changing a particular behavior?

It is incredible to see how the human dog owners show up with so much more happiness, confidence and spirit when after a few adjustments, the so called bad behavior of the dog no longer exists.  It is a beautiful thing to see....  

I think that is why I relate to the humanness of these non-human shows... We identify with the tears, the fears and the dreams they all have. We want their success maybe because we secretly believe we can also win in our own little circles of life, whether that be a dog, horse or cat.  They are just metaphors for learning more about ourselves and trying to improve all the while.

It is ironic that we can't seem to get through this life just by ourselves as well as when we are open to others helping us. Thank heaven for people with talent to see in us what we can't.  And the courage they show to tell it like they see it.  Even if they aren't always right, it is helpful to see a different point of view. 

Is it not a beautiful think to feel the reward of having someone point something out that you do so well that you never thought was there or would have ever believed was possible? Or to show the mirror back to you about something you did that got in the way that you didn't know you were doing?  Kind of like having your foot caught in a trap that you couldn't free yourself from alone.  Then feeling the release of such a prison, by letting yourself listen, letting the feedback enter your mind, trickle down to your heart and then to feel the honesty and truth.  Then hopefully , letting yourself to actually believe it and see different results.....

Pretty powerful magic.....

I wonder if the world could use a little more Cesar Milan.

Hmmm.....Maybe I will get a dog afterall.

 

Mom

Hi Mom,

It's been a while.  But your birthday was just here and I found some time to sit back and think about you. 

I went to this portrait Roland was inspired to draw you the morning you passed into the next life.  I love looking at you.  I see so many of your grandkids in your countenance. 

I like to think that your asthma was bothering you too much back then.  You had all the energy of a dancing sprite would need to have.  I think about where you have fixed your gaze.  It must be a place of light because that is where your spirit always was--in Light, even when you weren't always surrounded by it, it was what always brought you back.

I miss your expressiveness.  I miss watching you look at others and feeling so many strong feelings.  I miss when you would put the edge of your bic pen up against your bottom lip when you were deep in thought.  I miss how you would wipe your mouth quickly with both hands before giving a kiss... even if there wasn't anything there to wipe away.  Always ready to hug, to love and to encourage and support.....No matter what.  

I miss our talks.  You were always so easy to share with.  You listened......You often fumbled for answers, thinking you needed to always have the right ones, but you were a beautiful listener.  

I miss going to McDonalds and always getting most of your fries!  You loved the Filet-o'fish.  It because of you I still get those once in a while. And just like you, I still get a little splotch of tartar sauce on me somewhere.

I miss hearing your stories of how you grew up and how fond you were of your Dad. 

I miss coming home--where ever that was, from college to spend time with you and Dad.  I felt as comfortable hanging out with you than any of my friends.  Going shopping, meeting new people that you liked so much.  Watching great shows and playing games.  You made it hard to want to go back... I always wanted to linger.....

I was thinking about if you were here today what would life be like?  There are some things that would blow your mind.  The mass success of your posterity is mind numbing.  Dad could barely take it in before he left.  I think you must be in awe even now looking down.  While I thought there would be so many wonderful things about you being here I was reminded of what state you might be in and I can't see anything good with that.  I secretly always hoped you wouldn't have to find your amazing spontaneous soul being confined by the confounding corrosive disease that you spent your entire life trying to ignore and conquer.  I don't know if I would be a terrible person to think that it was a tender mercy of God to take you when He did.  Was it too early?  Yes, for sure.  Would I have wanted many more years?  Yes, to see and know my incredible kids..... yet, I hesitate because that is the selfish me wanting that.  To believe that you are still part of all of our lives brings me enormous peach of mind.  In some ways, I feel that you are able to enjoy them even more without the debilitating demon of a partner that you had causing you to always wonder when you might be fighting for your next breath.

I am grateful to have had one small moment with you since then.... You know what I am talking about too... I will never forget that day.   I  hold that experience so dear to my heart.  It was enough to give me a glimpse into who you really are.  The person I knew here wasn't everything I thought you were after all.  You are strong, confident, full of spirit and even keeled in knowing who you are.  You are busy doing good.  

You were a great Mom and always will be.  You enabled me to be the person I am becoming.  I couldn't have reached where I am without you.  No way....  

Keep smiling Mom, keep teaching, keep watching over us....  We need you more than ever!

Happy birthday!

 

Beauty doesn't fade

 I find it extraordinary that beauty can be defined in so many ways.  It can be found in a variety of literal, symbolic and metaphysical definitions. I have been thinking about what beauty is to me, my own definition and where the source of that meaning comes from.  

Like many, over the years, I have tried to develop a deeper appreciation for what is beautiful that doesn't come from purely a physical phenomena.  I have glimpsed more deeply beyond the surface and consider what else is going on that isn't just "skin deep."

Have you ever known very attractive people that seem by all cultural standards seem to fit a certain definition of what beautiful is and then through observing their character and actions their "physical" beauty doesn't seem to be so alluring after all?.... Have you ever noticed how quickly that can change your perspective...Like literally in 5 seconds?

And what about the converse situation-the one where you see someone that may not fit that same physical definition of beautiful but as you take a deeper look, and wander around in their heart and observe the way they think, the way they see the world, the way they treat others, you find that their physical beauty seems to grow in leaps and bounds?  I find the irony so fascinating.... and so...... beautiful itself.

I learned this recently again.... 

Someone I became acquainted with didn't dress right, didn't have all the emotional intelligence skills, they suffered with some social skills and seemed to have imperfect timing of telling a joke that wasn't really funny but didn't know it.  They wouldn't probably be posting a lot of selfies on Instagram let's say...  I remember framing a certain perspective of this person over some period of time and felt I had them "pegged."  It was during a trust building game at work when I learned the hardships this person had experienced and overcome during their life.  They never knew their parents, went through the foster care system with 3 different families.  Never had lunch money for school. Didn't have the resources that most others had.  I learned they had a younger sister that had to be watched over as well.  This person would bring popsicles in a portable thermos freezer to school and sell them to kids to get lunch money for the both of them.  The foster parents never knew.  They managed to graduate from high school and then somehow managed to put themselves through college and received a degree.  They were painfully aware of their poor communication skills and were deathly afraid of speaking to others.  So in college this person intentionally took a comedy improvisation class to force herself to face inherent fears of public speaking and being put on the spot.  This was all told during different rounds of this game.  I listened very intently and literally before the end of the game I saw something completely different than when I started.  I noticed there wasn't a hint of victim stance, no martyr behavior, no complaints, no "woe is me" talk.  Just straightforward sharing..... I was blown a way.  I felt a bit ashamed of how I had so quickly formed those opinions.  I felt the lump in the throat come as I listened and tried to imagine challenges that I will never understand or known in my life.  I saw courage,  bravery, and commitment that was uncommon.   I saw this incredibly beautiful person instead.  

Beauty cannot be objectified or envisioned—it must be understood, felt.

I find it ironic that I can't see my own beauty as much as I can see yours....In fact, I may go to great lengths to dismiss it, not even letting myself tinker with the idea. It has something to do with not being able to accept compliments in a way that is truly believing.  If we did, we would just say "Thank you" and be done with it.  But, if you are like me, I find myself weaving some long-winding tapestry of unhelpful dialogue that attempts to pass it off as something that isn't really part of me, like it was a fluke or something that would never really show up again.  I want to say that I am getting better at not doing this.  I have developed a keener sense that when I do it is not a beautiful thing.  It gets in the way of the reality that there is beauty in offering an honest and authentic compliment.  It is not a graceful thing to not accept that, despite our own misgivings or disagreement.  Even that is ironic.....

It is very interesting to learn that so many apparently "attractive" people almost never believe it.  It isn't actually helpful to tell them or remind them.  It almost seems like a burden they bear most of their lives because they have bought into a definition the world has imposed or determined is accurate.  They even might believe that they are not worthy of the love that they are deserving of because they do not see their own beauty in a holistic spiritual way. 

I know many that would hold onto their physical appearance with all their might, such as they go to great lengths to stay the hands of father time as if engaged in an inevitable elusive tug-of-war with each tick tock of the clock. Is there anything wrong with that?  No, of course not.  I think how we take care of ourselves if vitally important for our own self-worth. It builds confidence that can enhance the beautiful things that we think, say and do.

And a poet said, Speak to us of Beauty.

     And he answered:

     Where shall you seek beauty, and how

shall you find her unless she herself be your

way and your guide?

     And how shall you speak of her except

she be the weaver of your speech?

Beauty doesn't fade... it gets revealed through our dispositions, attitudes and actions.  It only fades if we stop being who we are and we give into the wrong definitions.  

 People of Orphalese, beauty is life when

life unveils her holy face.

     But you are life and you are the veil.

     Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in

 a mirror.

     But you are eternity and you are 

the mirror.

It only fades if you want it to.... I choose to always see the beauty in you.