A Walk To Remember...

This is Rob...  he is a walker, he is a thinker, he is a feeler, he is a dreamer......he is my brother....

He feels everything....if he could, he would rather be in the mountains, in nature expressing everything inside...  He would sing praise to Heaven for all living things... for all creations. His heart is big enough to fill the whole world, he can't always say everything he feels...but sometimes he tries and it is amazing to watch his face... it gets big, it gets smiley, it gets happy...especially when his arms and hands get involved.

In a parallel universe, he lives in Zion national park.....with bare feet.  That is his Heaven on Earth, his happy place....(ok, a good find at the DI might be a close second.)

I first knew him more as a metaphor than anything else. To an 8 year old he was simply: "The Oldest".  He was 10 years older than me. He was first of six.... It had to be that way,  thank goodness. We all needed him to fill that role and he did, and still does.  Then, he was more like a "figure" then a real person......that changed......

THE WALK:
He became more real to me when one day we were in Jakarta, Indonesia and we had to catch a becak

(Betch-ahk: A tricycle version of a taxi...cheaper and way more fun) in order to get home from wherever we were.  He bargained for the right price. There were 4 of us, 3 could fit....so we got in and he decided to walk behind all the way home.... I was 8... I was like "Woah...can he really do that?" I was afraid for him, worried that  he would get left behind.... So, every few minutes I remember glancing back to see if he could keep up, if he would be there. Every time I looked I could still see him...there he was...not close, but there...never really gaining ground, but always there, within sight.  I didn't know how he did it... but all the way home I kept throwing furtive glances back to see if he was still there, no matter how many corners we turned....he was always there.   Oh yeah....one more little detail... he did it in sandals, not a big deal, but it was for a reason I didn't understand then, but would later....   That experience told me something about him... 

I didn't know why, but my little brain didn't forget and my little heart wondered....why was that walk so important...?

THE WATER: 
Next, I remember being excited that he was going to baptize me when I turned 8.  It was a little font in front of a little building we rented to go to church in Jakarta.  It was a great day....it was quick, simple and incredible....  I felt differently that day....special.  I won't forget it... my second major memory of "The Oldest."

MY FIRST WALK:
Before I knew it, he was gone, serving his mission in the country we lived in.  One night Dad wondered how we all felt about his being on a mission.  He had this great idea, why not ask each one of us to share how we felt. I had never done that before, so when it was my turn, I had my turn to walk.... those few feet to the front of the room....might has well as been a mile..... but I did it....I turned, faced my family and searched quickly for Rob inside.  What did I feel?  What did it mean for him to be out doing that work?  

I can't quite describe what happened to me during those few moments I searched, but I couldn't speak, my whole body filled with emotion in a way that kept me from forming words... it was very powerful, I was embarrassed...but I knew something important happened.  His being out there, doing what he was doing caused those emotions inside myself, even though I had no idea they were there, waiting to be triggered.  I just knew he was doing some important and I knew Heaven wanted me to know that by the way I was feeling.  That single experience has defined much of my spiritual personality throughout my life...  My little walk that day was because of the missionary 'walk' my brother chose to take...my third major memory of "The Oldest".

I didn't know why, but my little brain didn't forget and my little heart wondered......Why was that so important?

WALKING TOGETHER:
Later, I find myself on a camp out with my other brothers... something "The Oldest" has, of course, orchestrated.  He would do that.....He rounds us up and we find ourselves in southern Utah mountains and canyons. There, he shares with us, in his own knowing way, why native American Indians must have worshiped nature... he revels and radiates in the natural surroundings he finds himself in... I don't completely understand for myself...but I get it. This is his thing...his place....yes, this is his church.... He easily finds God here.  He loves hiking, but that isn't his focus....No, he wants us to talk about "love".  "What does love really mean?" he asks us?  "Why is it so important?" He beckons the best from us, even when we just want to eat s'mores, he wants to delve into the deep mysteries of God and heaven....he wants to swim in its' deep waters and soak it all in. He is nature's spiritual sponge....

I watch and my little brain remembers....and my little heart wonders..... There is something important here... I am not quite sure what it is, but boy am I glad I came....yes...this is number 4.

MORE WATER:
He became extremely real, when.....back then, when there was darkness all around me, his hand was there... just within reach....one of the only ones.  He waits for me to take it and when I do, it is sure and sound.  He guides me to more light.  He sees things in me I don't.  That is what he wants for me... to be my best self....... Suddenly, there is a familiar rush of water....followed by more light...

My little brain hasn't forgotten, my little heart is continues to wonder.... something very important happened there.... I do know what it is this time....it has become clear.

Walking and water have woven themselves into the tapestry of his life... Like patterns....
patterns to learn from, patterns to live by. 

There is another.... Someone else I first knew as a metaphor.  To me, he was simply: "The Oldest".  He was older than me.  He was the first of all of us....It had to be that way, thank goodness.  We all needed him to fill that role, he did...and still does.  Then, he was more like a 'figure' to me then a real person...that changed....Rob made sure of that.

These two "Oldest's".....they resemble each other. They have familiar patterns.   They both spent time walking....in sandals..  They both are familiar with water....In fact, in one very special moment, One of them even walked on water, to teach a similar message....one about love.

I will never forget that solitary walk behind the becak....  it is a walk to remember, a most generous gift it was to me to help me pattern my life after my "Oldest" brother in life and my "Oldest" brother in Heaven.  

My tiny brain will always remember....my little heart will always wonder.....

Thank you for always being just within sight every time I look back for you....

The Mighty Oak

I was browsing FB tonight and came across a post from a friend from high school in Brazil.  Let's call her Mary....

I had been following a series of recent posts from her which all came from a hospital room.  It started with some acute pain on Day 1 and then quickly led to an urgent all of a sudden kidney removal surgery a few days later.  The surgery was successful.  She is recuperating well..... Really well.  That is what caught my eye.

Do you ever just "watch" certain people? (I am totally aware of the creeper alert I just triggered in every reader....please walk with me in a different place I plead....)

There are some you just scan for fun sakes, others you track for interest sakes and then there might be those few that you observe over time to see if they are really that "good".  These are they who seem to never have drama, suffering or adversity like the rest of us have.....They seem to be so positive, so full of cheer--they have managed to find a way to see life through a different lens than so many others.  

Mary lives in that space......I have  have paid particular attention to Mary over the years.  We were good friends in high school.  She was so friendly, really smart.  No guile.....what you saw was what she was--no airs, no ego....simple, straight, and slightly just outside the mainstream social circles.... but she wouldn't "change" or pretend in order to be somewhere else, she made her place there.... where she was.  

I liked that place....

It was refuge from the "brat pack." From the tiresome places where coolness seemed to matter a bit too much.  It was a place that invited your true self... so comfortable.  No fear, no judging, no risk, no intimidation, no comparing......just you could show up and it was very nice.... 

She helped me with homework....alot!  She was so patient...I remember the smile with braces.  I still remember sitting next to her in Science and History.

She didn't alway get picked first for softball......or dances.  If that ever mattered to her, you wouldn't have known it.  Pretty amazing for high school.  No drama, no whining, no playing hurtful games.

Mary moved on, like we all did.... some new country, new school, new culture.....new friends.

She landed in CA where her folks were from.... went to school, got married...started having kids.  She was always excellent in her work.  So dedicated, so loyal.....  

I visited her twice there in CA many years later.... got to know her family.... and her horses.  I never knew about horses in Brazil.... but they have been a central part of her life.  She LOVES animals....horses are particularly near and dear.  I remember walking out to her corral after dinner and just watched her talk and interact with her horse.... I remember smiling at the symbiotic relationship... I could tell there was a lot going on between them.... I didn't understand it.  But I could tell somethings special was there.....all I remember is that it made me happy inside.  I felt content.... for her.  I remember thinking....Wow!  She deserves all this happiness.

The days and seasons passed.... life happened.  Next thing I knew she was going to Al Anon meetings because of her aloholic father and siblings.  I learned of the truly ugly things that she had endured over the years... oh my!  I was almost embarrassed for not knowing... but of course that was dumb, because we really weren't that close and I realized I didn't deserve to know those things....I hadn't really invested that much... it made me wonder about that though....

...But, then there was the slow methodical and horrific demoralizing and physically abusing suffering she experienced from an alcoholic husband.  I will just say that 911 was called too often.

Somehow she persevered through years of this....meanwhile never missing a soccer game, a surfing lesson or a horse show.   

Finally.....the last 911 call was made... by her 10 year old son, while Dad slammed his mom's hand in the car door and wouldn't let it go.

They aren't together anymore.... when presented a choice of having him go to jail or therapy, she chose the latter... the effervescent spring of hope that somehow he hadn't killed played out in hopeful attempt to "help him" despite what he had done.  It didn't work.... he still hasn't accepted any responsibility for his actions and demonizes her as spiteful, selfish and despicable for keeping him from his kids.

Because she chose to stand for something, she alienated her entire family.  Alcoholism is an abomination..... Because she called him out, they all felt the guilt and associated that call out to each one of them... they couldn't take it.  They sided with him.

Her Dad was ill, he passed away.... they barred her from attending the funeral.  They had a memorial service as well....they finally allowed her to come to that, but only after ponying up $700 to contribute to the open bar.... the irony makes me sick to my stomach.  She couldn't sit at their table..... That was this past Spring.... in the fall she had hernia surgery.... just now she finds out her kidney needs to come out and they were wondering about cancer....

She has 30 minutes to make a decision... she goes under not knowing what she will wake up to.

She does...all goes well.  No cancer.  You read her posts and you think she was having a grand ol' time in the hospital.  It has been two weeks.  She keeps taking pictures of how beautiful it is outside and that she "only" has to stay 2 more days.  

Tonight, something hits me inside when I read her post and I immediately ask Siri to call her hospital. I need to tell her how amazing she is, right now! The phone rings.....she answers.  I hear the familiar voice.....feels so good to talk.  She goes through the details... she adds a bit more about kids and family....... I try and put myself in her shoes.... I can't.   I feel some emotion well up as she calmly talks about her job ending in a month but knowing that God will help her find something.  She talks about each of her 3 kids.  She feels horrible about missing one of their little singing things....I can tell that this is like her first miss ever.  I try and soothe her by saying this and that......

I don't want to talk long, so I find the words and I tell her what a bright light she is in this world.  I tell her that I know her adversity is God's refining fire.  I praise her for her incredible positivity and the example she is, at least to me.  That she is so strong and what an amazing mother she is. I tell her I will continue to pray and send my best thoughts her way.  She thanks me.  She says she hopes she is like a great oak tree that has been made strong by being blown by the winds of life...  yeah....no doubt.

For just a few minutes I was in that place again... that familiar place where time doesn't care how many minutes have passed.  That place that I could just be me and say me things.  

She was....after all of this..... still there, in her place.

Yes... I think I will continue to watch this oak tree go through its seasons..... Yes... I think this is a good place to watch...

                           If only I could be as mighty an Oak....

Young Love

On Children

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, 

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 

and He bends you with His might 

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

--- Gibran

It was just yesterday when I held him.... he didn't have a name yet.....For him it was Day 1.... for me, well I was 30, but it might just as well have been Day 1 for me too.  When he came everything changed.....and hasn't stopped since.

I held him for 6 hours straight that day.... it wasn't emotional....it wasn't even bliss... it was just extremely peaceful.  A lot went through my mind.... but the only thing that did stick that day was one piercing clear message:   he wasn't mine.......and never would be.  A few moments later and he became Landon Alexander Brown.  A couple more minutes went by and he was worrying about his hair for the first time!  Cool....  

Then, a simple round ball became an important part of his life.  He may not know it yet....but, it did a lot to help him know who he was, what he could do, how others related to him and vice versa. Soccer provided space and a place to "win" and "lose".........and time to figure out each one of those impostors.....  He learned that that both of those things also happened off the field with different implications.  He preferred winning......every time.

Restlessness was a persistent and constant companion of his.... it drove him to explore many things...piano, sports, guitar, friends, studies, dance, crazy videos and then it led him to a little band called "Spare Tire" .   What an incredibly powerful experience  that was for him.  He had a place where he belonged, he could channel all his creativity, show leadership, and contribute to something bigger than himself.  To be part of something that most talk about but never really do.... to be part of a rock and roll band!  To have a stage....a bit of limelight....an audience....a unique way for him to shine in his own particular way, was very exciting and unnerving all at the same time.   It was a dream I never fulfilled....he did it in a way that I could "live through" his experience.  I will be forever grateful for those time frozen moments he had.  He created a great story to tell his kids one day.... I can see their big eyes now--"No way Dad!"  I can hear them say..... Awesome

I realized what kind of "arrow" he really was when he responded to the call of a living prophet.....to jump at the opportunity to serve a 2 year mission at the age of 18 instead of 19.  The response was immediate and pure.  It took my breath away.... and I had to quickly find out what kind of "bow" I was.....Was I ready to send him forth sooner than expected?  He was more ready than I.....This will be a constant refrain for me......  I had to quickly become that bow "From which your children as living arrows are sent forth..."   Thank God for the archer to guide the bow...  The arrow flew true north to Canada.... and came back again strong and straight as ever....

Two seconds later I see this in the snow.... Hmmm, can it be?  Marriage....? No, No. No.....Too soon?  He just got home....He can't possibly be ready?

Funny.... maybe it is me that isn't ready... I squirm like a kid... I pout, I whine....not so funny.  But then in a quiet moment while stewing with the inevitability....the memory of Day 1 floods back to my brain... reflection comes and connects me once again to that one clear truth.....  He is not mine, and never will be.  So, I find myself and realize that I am the one having to grow up again! I am not ready....again. This is too quick for me!  How ironic....This is the second time I think he is not the ready one.....but it turns out to be me....."ouch"my conscious says to me.  It takes a few minutes....slow learner.  But not too much longer I am good......(after pulling up my big boy pants.)

I find myself on a new mountain top, looking for the next peak on the horizon... I have my bow, and know I must be ready to bend it back again....I notch the living arrow one more time,  probably the last........and I take great aim and say a silent prayer to Heaven as I loose that arrow....watching it with all hope and faith that the aim is true, that this arrow may go "swift and far."   So, the time has come again, sooner than expected, to let go and send you, I watch the trajectory and path... a familiar refrain returns and lingers....

"He is not mine, and never will be."  

.....Just be the bow, let the arrow be the arrow and remember who the archer really is.  

Landon, you are the arrow that will pierce her heart in the picture in the snow.  No doubt you will be true.  The brief borrowed moments from Heaven we have had with you have pierced our heart's too, forever.....

.......All our love we send with you!