I didn't really want to climb it. I was at a family reunion and that morning when roll call went out for those going on this hike, my hand did not raise as part of the "counted" as going. But something inside said "go".... So, I went.....
My head was telling me that I should go with my two sons.... my heart had something else in mind but I didn't know what that was until later.....later when I was winded, exhausted and taking more and more little breaks on the way up. It was very hot, I was exerting a lot of energy. It felt pretty good, although I was out of shape.
During the hike my mind shifted from paying attention to the trail and surroundings to an internal thought that was brewing inside and trying to bubble up....It finally surfaced as I was about 3/4 of the way up. the thought was pretty clear once if formed in my mouth and I actually said it out loud to myself:
"Aaron, you need to leave something up here that you will not return with...."
I listened to myself as I said it. I pretended to question myself but I knew exactly what it meant. I just didn't know where that question came from....or rather, I wasn't sure that was going to be the question. I have been working on a theory of mine over the past couple of years... which is, maybe if I spend enough time on figuring out the right questions in my life, and then offering them up to Heaven, maybe that is the best way for me to ensure I am on the right path and doing the right things in the moment of that particular question..... (It wouldn't be me if I didn't make this complex) I knew instantly that the reason I came was not actually just to be with my kids.....(btw they took off way ahead and didn't see them that much anyway)... rather it was to have this question accompany me on the way up and then extend the invitation to leave something by giving something up.
The good news is that I have a rolodex of hundreds of things that I could do without that I have collected along the way that are pretty much unnecessary in my life. The bad news was this was not going to be one of those "low hanging fruit" things... This was going to be something more significant, something that I would not want to give up, something that would make me a bit afraid to not have in my life anymore....something very familiar, something that seemingly would feel safe, but ultimately would keep me from spiritually growing up.....something that would hurt.
My thoughts crystallized with each step. The remaining difficult .5 miles was slow and technical, giving me time to ready myself. It wasn't easy... I fought and wrestled inside trying to replace the "thing" with another thing, but it wouldn't go away. It won the day and I was tired inside now, not just my body. I slowly gave in. I started to go through the mental motions of giving that up.... offering it to God. Letting loose the tight grip I had on it. I tried to "feel" ahead what that would feel like afterwards..... days from now, what would I think and feel... would I recover, would I stick to it... could I sustain and maintain? I wasn't sure. But I knew I had to try.
So there on the very top of Angel's Landing I found a quiet little spot, I closed my eyes and offered a very simple prayer..... "Lord, please send Angels to help me let go of what I need to" I thought it would be ok to ask that way, given the location. "And grant me the strength to see it through, to fight through the pain it would bring, to grow up so maybe I could help others do the same."
Some tears came.... partly due the physical exhaustion, mostly due to the parting....like letting go of a friend.... but it was time. Little boys must grow up. I have a new perspective on the whole Peter Pan philosophy and empathy for Pan himself.
"When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight" -- GIbran
I came down from that mountain a bit different. I thought about if I had not chosen to come. I remembered the wrestle I had internally earlier that morning. I felt the victory of making the choice I did. It was a very interesting experience that I was not planning on. It happened.... I felt it was important, I felt I needed it. What was particularly special was what I learned that day. I learned that listening to that still small voice is important. I learned that acting on promptings can make a difference... I was reminded that a man named Jesus was willing to give up something too.... for me and for you. He too wrestled inside and with God, in a way I will never understand. He asked too "if possible, let this cup pass away from me", He was tired and exhausted and yet and he gave up his life of his own free volition. I was grateful for the experience, yes....even the test, to see what I would do, on such an infinitesimal scale.
Should chance and you meet on this mount someday.... I openly invite you to consider what question you could ask yourself as you reach that place where Angel's land and Heaven feels a bit closer.
Pray for me....that I can "stick this landing" like I need to, and I will pray for you....
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