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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Meaning in a messy room.....

If there is one truly elusively impossible thing for Landon, my oldest son, it is keeping his room clean.  he would rather have a root canal or go through surgery before tackling that task.  


I almost never go in there, for obvious reasons, but because there was something that Landon had lost, probably his Drivers License for the 2nd or 3rd time, but can't remember for sure now, I found myself slowly opening the door to the den of disgusting teenagehood.   I slowly entered, and realized I could not see floor.....  literally.  I saw the stacks of post-halloween candy not eaten,  papers from school that were probably from the 6th grade and clothes everywhere.  Probably typical.... 


 I didn't know where to even start.  So, while I begin cursing under my breath I began the impossible task of trying to find a needle in the proverbial haystack.  I started with the the floor.... moved piles of clothes, picked up trash and then slowly moved upward to the desks and things on top of his chest of drawers..... I was in about 45 minutes and realized I was barely making a dent.  I felt the familiar phrases of idle threats that always sounded good when noone was looking.  So, what started with a bit of shock turned into rising disappointment which then progressed into frustration and anger.  If only he could take care of all the things we had bought him, if only he could appreciate all the "things" we had 
acquired for him... If only, if only, if only.....were now coming out in words from my mouth in the empty room.  I finally decided to quit...This was ridiculous, I looked up and stretched my back and neck moving my head around clockwise......something on the walls caught my fleeting glance.


I stopped and looked up at the walls....... There were dozens of papers, posters, photos etc... taped to his wall.  I hadn't even noticed when I walked in... I looked around... There, up high next to his bunk bed were more on another wall.  Decided to go in for a closer look......


I wasn't prepared for the experience that took place in the next 30 minutes. Once I forgot about the task at hand, why I was in there and chose to soak in the content on the "walls", I found myself blown away..... He had numerous letters from good friends telling him how much they appreciated him and his friendship.  They looked up to him.  They shared experiences of how he listened to them, how he helped them and encouraged them when others didn't.  These were from both girls and boys.  Some were just cute and silly, but others were profound. I lost myself and track of time as I proceeded to read more.  I found incredible quotes from poets, writers, philosophers etc.....  Most were ones from my favorites like Gibran and others.... I found myself reflecting back on personal letters I had written Landon using Gibran's work trying to help him understand me, his mother and our relationship. These letters came from times of great joy and during times of tension.  I found myself reading these quotes that now, somehow had found greater meaning in his life.  He was now sharing these with others.... he had made them his own.  


Many strong emotions streamed over me as I read.  It was like I was on a seriously important 'field trip' learning all about Landon, for the first time.  I was stunned to the degree he was front and center to so many of his friends.  He was making a deep impact on them and them on him.  I was so impressed with his willingness to showcase these on his own walls, just as a reminder to himself of who he was, that he was this positive force.  It was completely satisfying and heartwarming to relish in those little beautiful pieces of of his life, all in different places over his walls.....


...... I left differently than I came in.  I felt I had paid homage to a small shrine in his honor.  I wanted to honor him and thanked God for that experience.  The spirit was strong and I felt my respect and love for him grow deeper in my heart.  


Somehow his room didn't seem so messy..... the clothes insignificant......they were replaced by a warm glow. I will trade a messy room to "find" my son any day of the week.   I pay more attention now to new additions to the wall and less of new clothes on the floor.