The Archer's Bow

I felt it first with Landon, and each new that came after has been the same.  I have always felt, way down deep, that these amazing five fingered humans never came from us, rather...through us. I have never felt that they were 'mine.'  The process that brings each one here is too cosmic, too crazy, too mindblowing to think that they could be anyone else's but His, from Heaven.

One might ask, "Does that change your love for them?"  

I would say that is has influenced and shaped the way I see and love them.  

Mom always taught me that when we 'borrow' something we treat it differently, more carefully, in fact, if you can, give it back better than when you got it.  There is a greater sense of mindfulness I believe that occurs when someone lends you something very special to them.  

Usually, there is a hesitation I think.... when someone asks to borrow something of you that is like...one of your favorite things and you are kinda like "Oh crap.... really?"  You think you might want to say "no" but you don't know how....Does that happen to you?  You end up saying "yes" and then you wonder and worry if you are really going to get that thing back, or in the shape that you expect.   I have always admired the 'instantaneous lender', that person that joyfully gives, with almost no regard for hesitation... they have somehow already worked out all that worry stuff that normally gets in the way... they don't have it.  They start from a very different place.  A wonderful place that when you see it in someone else you marvel....a place that seems more difficult for you....thus the admiration.

So Heaven lent us these four...  cream of the crop, grade A quality, top of the line.... He gave us the best of the best.  What does one do with the best of the best??   Eventually, after alot of hand wringing and over analyzing, it comes to you in a flash.....you just get out of their way.  The most simple hard thing ever a parent does.   It is a sophisticated form of letting go, without abdicating any responsibility.  This kind of letting go actually changes you .... you step aside a bit, but you are doing all the learning, fumbling around to find your new foothold, to find the banister that is no longer there.  Never has there been so heavy a burden of turning over the bricks to God, one by one realizing He knows where to place each one, in the building of their future pathways.  

Gibran calls them arrows and us bows and He is the archer.  I connect strongly with his metaphors.  I identify with what he describes in a powerful way.  I love how he makes me think differently, about trajectory and how I can help them with that.  Trajectory is long-term mindedness, not short-term.  It keeps my eyes looking further ahead than normal.....  So I pull back as hard as I can, I try and aim while my arm quivers a bit... looking out without seeing everything, hoping, praying, learning to not worry as I let loose of each arrow... each one going on a different path, a path designed especially for them.  

With one arrow left in the quiver, I ponder about the other 3 that have soared through the air finding their mark...How will I know if I bent back far enough?  Misjudged the aim? Am I strong enough to get them to where they are supposed to go?  I must leave it up to the archer.  He can see... He knows....

So we return those that were sent through us, borrowed... one at a time....feeling the temporary loss, but filled by the experience we had with each.  The greatest gifts.... what an honor, what a privilege.... to have been part of your flight.  Fly sharp, fly true, fly far and find your mark.

On Children

 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, 
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 
and He bends you with His might 
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Happy Birthday Gold Dragon

It was super hot, like 100 degrees hot.  Early July....not like 1pm hot, but the worser hot, yep.... the 6:30pm hot.  Way worser...

The objective was to move this huge pile of dirt to the back yard and spread it evenly.  Maybe 200 wheelbarrow trips....  This wasn't one of those "required training" moments, it was service, plain and simple.  Volunteer time....

So, it didn't even hit me until I was really into my 10th load or so.... there was Alexa, shoveling away, non stop.  I stopped... looked up and realized that she was actually there.... no whining, no sass, no saucy quips, no sarcasm.... She didn't complain that she had to go... I don't  remember even asking her to come.  She just did, and was there....

I was caught off guard.  Not because she would never do this kind of work.   No, she could work hard when she wanted to. Not that she didn't want to serve, she has done plenty of that. Something was different.  Enough for me to pause, watch her do about 10 shovels and then I took a picture, hoping that something would connect later.....

..... I think I just connected.   With Landon off at college for the summer, and McKenna in Uruguay and Braden off to Thailand, it was just her.  She was the only left at home.  It was if she knew that and subconsciously and knew that she was now the new "Braden", the one that we would need to lean on, the one we could depend upon, the one that would be our rock in their absence.

This was her stepping up and doing what it took despite the unpleasantness of it all. It was like she grew up all over again in an instance.  I knew I would not see her the same after this.  She had crossed that threshold of being a sassy "kid" to that of full grown sentient adult.  A bit of a rite of passage in the most unexpected scenario.  Maybe I am off, but that is what came to me as I reflected on what caused me to pause and wonder.

I must say I loved the moment I found myself in.  I loved catching her doing this, doing it to help someone, doing it for love and the goodness of her heart.  Somehow she knew this wasn't the time for all her extraordinary and wonderful sassisness, which is also very fun.

Today is her birthday.  She is seventeen.  The 20th day of the year 2000.  The year of the Dragon.  In fact, of all the elemental dragons, she is a Gold Dragon who displays characteristics of  being natural and straightforward, which is Alexa to a T.  Other notable Gold Dragons are Bruce Lee, John Lennon and Pele.... not such bad company to be in.   Gifted with innate courage, tenacity and intelligence, dragons are enthusiastic and confident. They are not afraid of challenges, and willing to take risks. 

Alexa does all of this just below the surface.  She spouts a bit out loud, but never announces her moves....but underneath she has a heart of gold.  No wonder she is a gold dragon.  She would do anything for anyone.  She has handled an enormous amount of personal and family change and has handled it like a pro.  It has to be so hard to be the last one at home, having to deal with Mom and Dad peering in on her every move.  Who else are they going to pay attention to?  So, yes, she is under the microscope like none of her siblings have had to experience.  

The best is when I can catch that most magnificent smile she has, the one she hides, the one she knows about, but reserves for certain boys and when she buys cool new clothes. The one that shows who she really is inside.  The one that when she decides is finally safe to show the world, could actually affect the earth's orbit.  The one that fills the heart with one glance.  It sneaks out more than she would like it to.  She has a reputation at stake, one that could possibly be ruined if this particular smile became to "present" too often. So, guard it she must......for now.  

But soon.... it will be revealed, she won't be able to stop it... it has to come forth and shine.

I can't wait for that day.   It has been 17 years of waiting.... she has come a long way since wanting to "slice my head and arms off" when she was a 3 year old greeting me at the door after coming home from work.... it has been worth the wait.

Let's go Dragon... start blazing your next 17! 

Happy birthday!!

Beautiful Sunday Visit

It started with sleeping in.....    I should probably just end there. That might be good enough to make a wonderful Sunday...

Landon was home for the weekend.  It is always better when that happens.  We have a ton of fun when he comes.... it is a lot more noisy, loud and just the right amount of over the top nonsensical behavior.  It has gotten quite a bit more quiet since McKenna and Braden left for their missions. Yes, the noise has become a welcome beautiful thing.

We had a really nice church service.  Felt a great spirit there and left edified, tanks filled, ready to accelerate for the upcoming week.

But first the rest of Sunday afternoon was still there ahead of us... to make of it what we would.  A beautiful block of time, just waiting to see what we would do.

First, there was feasting... when it comes to food, we usually don't fool around.  We plough, we troll, we dredge.... No sissy salads,  nuh uh!   We consume with gusto.   Then, we launch ourselves onto our comfy sectional and crash.... hoping to recover from the pain we just submitted ourselves to.

I know, pretty awesome so far huh?

Today was just slightly different.  We had a special guest.  It was Abby, Braden's friend.   We love Abby.  We don't know her all the way yet, but yes, we do love her.  I think we started loving her when we saw a new twinkle in Braden's eye.  So subtle, so soft, so almost nothing... but the corner of his firm smile turned up just enough for those close enough to watch to see..... yes, there was something there.  No words were necessary... that is the essence of Braden.

Abby came over (*She's the pretty one in the back) and spent time with us.  It was so much fun.  We got to talk about Braden so much.  To see her expressions and reactions that were so heartfelt to her made my heart hurt so good.  To know there is someone that knows Braden so well.... to his core.... and accepts him for who he is.  The care, the concern was so authentic.  I couldn't help but be pulled in.  She reminded me of what true friendship really is.  I will never tire of Gibran's definition:

On Friendship
 Kahlil Gibran

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Actually, now reading it again... they both reminded me of what friendship is really all about.  It has been a bit since I have seen it so well worn by two.  It fits these two as well as any I know.

Time flew, we hugged her goodbye.  We felt refreshed, refilled, renewed.

(But we did make time for chocolate Dunford donuts with vanilla bean ice cream.   Scrumptious)

A beautiful Sunday visit....