The elusive scratch to a recurring itch

I have always been that person that looks longingly down every winding bending roads like this picture.... wondering what lies just beyond sight... my imagination holds my realistic earth brain hostage and forces me to fantasize about what Lord of the Rings-esque adventure is lurking, baiting me, yes....even beckoning me.

It is difficult to squelch the desire to turn down every interesting looking lane. I have found that this also occurs on the inside of me too.....Every so often, I find a certain restlessness inside.... It usually is unprovoked and sudden. The feeling is not anxiety, but rather feeling that something "pulls" me elsewhere. It is not always a place that I can articulate, but the "pull" is strong, pervasive and persistent. It starts with a notion, then progresses into a slow steay beat of a drum. The pace doesn't quicken, but it becomes constant. It isn't an "itch" that I can "scratch" locally.... meaning, It isn't physical, so I do other things to try and find that scratch....movies, shopping, reading, but to no avaial.

It usually remains until I actually physically leave where I am and travel to a place that gives me a new perspective and reminds me of who I am. I am often confused by the idea that that "leaving" often means "finding" myself. Regardless......until I do, the beat becomes a dull ache in my soul. Recently that ache came, but I really had no place, plans or way of leaving... but then a trip appeared-- Chicago for 4 days. Wow! Did that do the trick. I walked for hours downtown, strolled along the boardwalks parallel to the inlet waterways, took pictures of tall beautiful buildings, ate at open air cafe's and watched the teeming life of people passing by. There was a sense of business and everyone was going somewhere.

I can't seem to articulate why, but I found again the return of that comfortable feeling of remembering who I was seep into my soul.....it felt familiar as if I knew the place and it's people for a long time and the place knew and accepted me back..... It is silly to think I have to go somewhere else to remember who I am because I know who I am on paper.... I am my Mother's son, my wife's husband and my children's father......right? You would think that one would know these things without any shadow of a doubt. I know that I am a child of God that I have purpose and meaning in my web of relationships. This "itch" however... is something else. I used to think that I would grow out it of when I got "bigger". At times I thought the feeling was really just a manifestation of my own selfishness, which I still am not sure it isn't. I would like to think that it isn't, but maybe I am self-deceived in saying that.

All I really know is that I feel the "pull" and when I do finally leave and immerse myself somwhere else that a balm forms and erases the ache. I come back different, at least for a while, feeling alive again and refreshed. But above all else, I have a greater sense of being connected to everything and that helps remind me of who I am, which I find incredibly meaningful. Being able to feel deeply in this way is a relief and unburdens me in a inexplicable way. There are some itches that I hope never go away.......

Saudade

Saudade... Nothing can stir my emotions more quickly than hearing this word... It is an example of what I love best about other languages. It is one of those unique words that when translation is attempted, it only gets close...but never quite gets the full essence. In basic terms it means: longing or nostalgia which are both great words by themselves that evoke emotion in all of us. However, it does not convey the depth and magnitude of what it means to the Portuguese speakers of the world....For those who come to speak "Saudade" from their own experience, they enter a world that has been described by many poets and musicians as "suffering of the heart". I learned about this early in my life before I ever knew the word. Although Brazil and Portugal call it their own, many identify with it. Third Culture Kids in particular understand the true meaning and anyone that has spent time away from their home abroad that has immersed themselves into the fabric of other cultures....Casual "tourists" do not qualify. This is about climbing into the eyes of a people and then searching until the soul deep within is discovered. For me, Saudade has always been closely associated with "Doce Amargo" which means "Bittersweet". The reason Saudade has found such a comfortable place in my heart is because I spent my childhood making and then leaving new friends, places, cultures, sounds and smells. I never lived those moments casually, on the contrary, I gave my heart and soul to each place and left of bit of myself in each place just as each place in turn left a permanent bit on me. I lived much of my youth "longing" for those memories with a lump in my throat, my heart "hurting good" always feeling a profound sense of gratitude that I could feel and hurt that much for people and culture that was not my own.
Khalil Gibran captured much of this feeling for me in his poem "The Prophet"

Joy and Sorrow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

I recently came across the words of Pablo Neruda, a famous Chilean poet who wrote this incredible passage which caught the essence of Saudade....

Saudade

Saudade é solidão acompanhada,
é quando o amor ainda não foi embora,
mas o amado já...

Saudade é amar um passado que ainda não passou,
é recusar um presente que nos machuca,
é não ver o futuro que nos convida...

Saudade é sentir que existe o que não existe mais...

Saudade é o inferno dos que perderam,
é a dor dos que ficaram para trás,
é o gosto de morte na boca dos que continuam...

Só uma pessoa no mundo deseja sentir saudade:
aquela que nunca amou.

E esse é o maior dos sofrimentos:
não ter por quem sentir saudades,
passar pela vida e não viver.

O maior dos sofrimentos é nunca ter sofrido...

At the core of Saudade is love but only if it is just .... "out of reach".  For the Portuguese, the suffering for them was knowing their best years were centuries ago, when famous seamen roamed the world discovering new worlds....

It is very telling that saudade came from such a maritime culture as the Golden Age Portuguese. Imagine the wives and children of sailors, leaving them for long, mysterious periods of time at sea. Sailors’ families were perhaps the first to feel real saudade, not knowing if their loved one would ever return, but also being proud of their spirit and accomplishments.

What buffers my feelings of saudade during my earthly life is the knowledge that I have that loved ones, regardless of distance or geography will be met again in the next life and I shall feel again the warmth of their embrace, the hole in my heart will be filled with their celebration. I will speak their language and they will understand the soul of me, not just my words. This is what I truly long for... what I have true Saudade for, with the exception that it is now no longer just out of reach, but rather....... just within. Maybe there is another untranslateable word that Heaven uses which is Saudade fulfilled.... something that fills all the gaps that have been beyond our capability here. Could it be that word is Grace? A small still voice whispers to me that it is....... the word that reconciles Joy and Sorrow, that fills the void Saudade creates. Thank God for One special heart that suffered above all others, that our hearts longing could find Eternal rest.

Unplanned Lane Changes....

I asked a group of people today during a training session… “what happens when you have alignment problems with your car?” After the usual suspect responses surfaced, this one floated above the others…”You get unplanned lane changes” I laughed out loud while thinking "What an excellent response". My mind wouldn't let the metaphor leave all day long … There was something more there, I just needed to sift through it a bit to find out what it was….. It has something to do with “Change” Sometimes we intentionally cause change in our lives….. other times change seems to happen “to” us. It is the latter that I think applies here. Those unforeseen, gotcha’s…
One simple lane change can mean a world of difference. Robert Frost coined the phrase "The Road Not Taken" in his unforgettable poem...whether by choice or not, one can get a different view, a different perspective, a different experience as a result of a lane change. I think that is the trick…. Not wondering how you got there or always why…but rather focusing forward, in on the new view… what do I see and what can I learn? Often it is the attitude with which we frame our "lane" and that is what I think the poet meant when he said "I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference..."

Fingerprints in My Life

I have been reflecting on “fingerprints” and their meaning in my life.

There are mine on others, and theirs on me. The cool thing about fingerprints is that although invisible to the naked eye, each print is unique and is linked to a specific individual and memory. The idea that there are thousands of individual prints on me that all have a name and face warms my heart. They say that we are never really alone…. I believe it. Although I could find myself alone in the mountains or on a beach I am not alone.

They say that God is always with us…. Could it be that He is with us by virtue of these many fingerprints ? Each has a face, a name and a distinct impression left by loving heart and hands that have branded our beings with memories. It is ironic in a way that we spend a good portion of our lives removing unwanted fingerprints—we clean the fridge, countertops and windows…. As for those on me..... I hope they never leave!

There is something about their quiet persistence on my life that I cherish. Although memories can fade, the influence doesn’t…the mark has been made, the invisible imprint bonded forever....

Summer Afternoon

Do you find yourself ever passing something, then on second thought stopping and exploring a bit further. I was driving, saw this place, something said "stop!" so I did. It didn't say anything else, but I felt I should "browse" a bit and have myself a familiar "self-walk about."

Being alone with my own thoughts for any period of focused time can be very dangerous, but on this occasion I took the risk. It was such a pleasant and relaxing environment . I found myself thinking about how places like this can cause some many emotions within. There have been numerous occasions where I find a ......."place"...... and there is something about these places in and of themselves that forms a solid memory of emotion inside. It first causes an emotion, then quickly leads to reflection of what the feelings might mean and almost always they lead the mind to wander aimlessly and although only for a few brief moments....it almost always seems like forever, as if time stops.... maybe you know what I mean.

I am not always sure when this will happen, but I always know when it does. It is often most unexpected as in this case. I love that these "postcard" moments can be so moving and convincing..... of deep down spiritual wonderment. To me these moments make up the ultimate slideshow of my life. I can hear the music as each slide transitions to the next.....a long sequence of lifelong moments that truly show the real me... My "Youtube" video that I take with me and keep adding to. No......World hunger wasn't solved, no war's ended and no shattering revelations revealed, but rather a moment to pause and remember who I am. I thrive in these moments!

Birthday Memories

Just had my birthday and got this card....from "Paco". It was hilarious and I loved it. Not only does one benefit from the visual image of Paco dancing, inviting others to join him in the dance of life, but one can also become mesmerized by the sparkles from the actual blue glitter found on the card when in the right light angles!! Wow what a bonus.

Is there a lesson here? Oh absolutely yes, my friend there is..... I have a friend that so reveres me that they would go out of their way to sift through thousands of useless, meaningless Hallmark cards and come up with this gem! Hah! Do you have such a friend?  Makes one think doesn't it.....? I certainly hope you do.. I am lucky I do.

So, yes, today, I will join Paco in his celebration of dance and life...........I just won't wear the frickin' tights

Thanks friend

Dance, Love, Sing.....Live

Brice Royer from TCK posted something today about what one would do if they found out they only had 6 months to live. I like walking through these types of exercises because it helps me do something my Father always taught me.... to not only "see" ahead how things might be....but to "feel" ahead as well...

What quickly started out as a list of things "I" wanted to do.....turned quickly into a list of "People" I would want to see and spend time with. Sure, I would love to finally write enough songs and record that "one" CD, and see Italy and Spain, and go to Wimbledon or the US Open, watch Ronaldinho play "ao vivo", and dance! Nothing wrong with that right?

But, in the end, it would come down to people for me. I would spend 2 weeks making lists of names of everyone....everyone in my life that I could recall, and then spend all of my money, resources and time tracking them down and telling them I loved them and how special they are to me...... the more I think about it....it is the only thing I could do without leaving with regrets...

Yes...without question I would trade a peek at Michelangelo's David for a 1/2 hour walk with my daughter........ and......... along the way, I would ask forgiveness of a few as well....

........What would you do?..... I am curious

A Room with a View...

I spent a good deal of time on my roof the past week reshingling...because the pitch is so steep I often had to pause and rest. During these mini-breaks I found myself canvassing the entire neighborhood from a totally different vantage point. I loved the "birdseye" view but the enhanced perspective even more... I could track many people and things going on at the same time, as the circle of my peripheral vision was much wider....

.....then my thoughts would take me back to my younger years in Indonesia where me and my siblings would spend all kinds of time on our roof. It was so large and unique with lots of nooks and crannies for hiding. A favorite game was Hide n Seek. My bro Roland was particularly good at this...he would dissappear on the top of a roof of all places and we literally wouldn't be able to find him. It was great fun and often I would find myself up there just to think and be alone. I loved the perspective of being hidden but up in the sky....... it was different than being in a closet or under a bed. It was a place that would elicit dreams and fantastical thinking....

So....my mini-breaks sometimes turned into major nostalgic moments... I decided then and there that the next time my wife was gone I would take my 3 youngest kids up on the roof and share with them my foreign rooftop stories! Plus I knew they would love going up there. The first time up they were giddy with fear and excitement together. They loved it! I would tell them how to walk appropriately, what to avoid and where they could "hang out" without anyone seeing them, underneath the shade of some large leafy overhangs. I would tell them my stories of hide and seek, and other adventures. The other reason they loved it is becaue their older brother doesn't know it yet! Ha! He will be so ......shocked! So I totally loved the idea of passing the baton to them, now they can have their own rooftop adventures in their own way....(and hopefully not die!)

POSTLUDE:..... God...... must have the ultimate "rooftop" view and perspective. He can see all, all at once. He is 'hidden' only in some ways, but ever watchful. He is so "high" and yet can "zoom" in on any one event or person at will.... I normally don't like the feeling of someone looking over my shoulder or the notion of being spied upon...but yet in this context.....I like it....alot!. I felt a bit of that just being 30 feet higher myself. He, being a 'bazillion' feet higher can only mean He needs to be so He can keep his circle of peripheral vision perfectly sized to see all of us.....

Quality:Time

What is QUALITY ? I remember distinctly in a college Org Behavior class when I first heard this question as it was posed to us by our professor..... in the end he said QUALITY = The CUSTOMER I remember pondering that for a long time....at first it didn't make sense to me intuitively. I always associated Quality with words like: The best, high competence, expensive, durable, reliable, excellent....

So, there are many definitions. Here is a generic one that I will use for the purpose of my post today:

Measure of excellence or state of being free from defects, deficiencies, and significant variations. or in other words: "The totality of features and characteristics of a product or service that bears its ability to satisfy stated or implied needs."

So, ultimately, only the customer can say what is or is not "Excellent"....not the producer of said service or product, even if they continuously improve that product or service again and again....it is not up to them to know, rather it is up to the "consumer" or Customer to decide if their needs are truly met or not. That is why some feel McDonalds is high quality - because they know exactly what they get every time they go. Others would disagree and relegate McD's to be on the "low" side of quality. Just as some would rate a Ferrari as extremely high quality, there are others who value reliability, do not.

The other day, I learned something about QUALITY TIME . I was at my in-laws out on their deck, which overlooks the 11th fairway of a golf course. A very peaceful and serene setting with the Red Rocks of Southern Utah as the backdrop against lush green grass and trees of the 11th hole. I was laying down on a comfy lawn recliner allowing the warmth and natural ambient noise gently waft me to a near dozing state. My son Braden came out (10) and he came over and gently moved onto the recliner with me and snuggled in. It was a wordless moment and I put my arm around him securing him in. 1/2 hour passed and we both fell into our own respective dream states and slept. When one of us stirred, it woke the other and as silently as he slipped in, he snuck out and went on his way. No words were spoken, yet I felt incredibly fulfilled and satisfied and my sense was that he did too.

That small experience told me that "The totality of features and characteristics of a product or service that bears its ability to satisfy stated or implied needs" had been accomplished. I wasn't "selling" anything to him...in this case being "quality time" with kids...but rather a service was rendered unconsciously that satisfied impled needs of both of us...not just Braden.

It forced me to re-think what the world calls "quality time". Is there a difference between a spending "time" vs "quality time" with kids? Does spending 12 hours in a car going to Disneyland automatically mean you are spending "quality time" with your kids? Or, the promise of spending a "day" together that is mostly about getting "check boxes" checked off and less of any real interaction? Have you ever spent "time" doing a puzzle or game with a kid, while your mind and heart are really somewhere else? Isn't that still Quality Time?

I don't think the Parent "producer" gets to define what Quality Time is or means......the Kid "customer" does. All the planning for the best "product/service" in a parents mind for quality time will most likely fall short if it doesn't meet the stated or implied needs of the customer. How easy for me to fall into that trap of self-deception convincing myself that by spending "time" with my kids that I would automatically be "filling their needs"....

Sometimes I may get lucky, but maybe it is time for me to start surveying my customers a bit better....spending more time getting insight from Heaven on what their "implied" needs might be, and listening to those they are "stating" that I often gloss over and less about what I think they need...

ab imo pectore....

I find myself at a loss when it comes to articulating that which I am most thankful for....There are the obvious usual suspects: Family, faith, kids, house, freedom and safety etc..... Even though we should treat everyday as Christmas, I for one, typically fall short. But, I am grateful that events like Thanksgiving and Christmas gently "nudge" my soul into remembrance....This year it felt more like a "kick in the pants" so, I figured I would spend a bit of time reflecting and capturing a few special things not often found on the "Top 10" list that I am particularly grateful for:

- Each Breath.... I inherited Mom's asthma, although it took her life, I am grateful she shared some of it with me. At times....when I find myself struggling for air and breath, I find a quiet dark place to relax, focus and recover..... it is in these moments I often feel close to her and draw upon her courage to get through.

- Water....particularly of the "Hot" kind. I find water amazing -- Earth's blood. I have strong vivid memories of playing in the very warm rains of Indonesia with my younger brother. We would climb trees, play basketball and explore during great rainfalls thinking we were great adventurers impervious to the elements! The blueness of cold water and the "green glassnessness" of Lake Powell.... In the end Hot showers when cold are when I like it the most....



- Empathy.... Heinz Kohut defined empathy as:
“the capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of another person.”

To those who show me they understand me, I am extremely grateful......as not many do genuinely. I have found it cannot be faked, often mistaken with Sympathy and can draw people close to you, even when you only know a smidgeon about them. It has been a good friend to me both on the receiving and the delivery -- as the "Empathy Symbol" illustrates so well it is a 2 way street, can't really be done in selfishness and fosters more love for others when implemented.





- Music.... What can I say? I know people who console themselves with pets.... especially

during sad times..... For me it has always been music. Music has taken me to places that are not on "Mapquest"....Music is the Sister of Imagination... Music often ignites my imagination and then takes me on fantastical journeys. I can say I know what it is to fly, because music has given me wings. Music inspires, comforts, enobles, and has been a light in dark times. It speaks to my spirit and stirs my soul in inexplicable ways..... I love getting lost in its' spell....




- The perfect pair of jeans.... So vain..I know, but it is true. They only come around ever decade or so, maybe even a lifetime.....and you know when you have them.....because all your others ones "aren't them"..... right? You try to hang on as long as society lets' you (ahh...the holes) and the way they just make you feel.....well, it is like you can do no wrong!! My best are still folded up....
unwearable, but a man can dream right....?

“Blue jeans are the most beautiful things since the gondola.”




- Discovering paths less travelled.... no explanation needed..... Here is one of my faves .... The Gardens of Versailles, France. I got lost this day....but "found" some important things in the end. I am grateful for parents who loved getting "lost" and experiencing new things..... what wonderful doors they opened up to me. I haven't yet found a door that I didn't find "interesting".....





- The right Dance with the right Music with the right People..... well, the perfect Trifecta! (oh yeah...with the right jeans) *see previous blog post about Dancing. I am thankful that it is ok to express the joie de vivre through dance. That it is ok to do anywhere and anytime with no apologies....even if your kids call you weird. I am convinced there will be dancing in Heaven






- Spending a night with my good friend Francisco at "Chez Frankie" in Atlanta.... We have literally talked all night, slept, brunched, and resumed talking, listened to music, reminisced on old times, talked about life and the pursuit of happiness, shared secrets and our hearts..... We have done it about a 1/2 dozen times....Hallmark memories for me. (*I discovered Gibran on my first visit to Chez Frankie's in Atlanta.) I can't wait to come to his housewarming party as he intiaties his new home.





- Memories..... To me they are a lifeline, a constant reminder that I have lived and loved others...that I have mattered even as a tiny dot in a big world...that my heart was engaged, that I contributed....not only "consumed". They validate my existence and help me remember who I am.

"Mister God this is Anna".... Is it too silly to keep a childhood dream alive by hoping I can meet Anna one day? Few things have broken my heart open and turned it inside out as Anna did in this book. She was meant for another world and time.....but I am grateful for the few moments God shared her with us.....and how she spoke directly to me, I will never forget.







Chelta..... No ordinary love, from an extraordinary woman....only a few know how much she is willing to sacrifice and......only 1 knows how she can "save" someone from the depths of despair. God's consumate daughter. Beauty that takes your breath away, a spirit that will shake your soul and clarity of purpose that never wavers. She is unmovable, unquenchable and possesses a fire for life that never flickers. How I am with her I will never fully understand......

te amo ab imo pectore