Learning to Be Still during a Pandemic

I would be lying if I told you I have been just fine during this pandemic.  I have not.....

Despite enjoying extraordinary comforts and conveniences such as a 2-year food storage, electricity, water, sound shelter after a fairly decent earthquake, gainful employment, all my family healthy and kids still able to do school and work while many cannot.

I am struggling mentally and emotionally with the stress knowing the entire world is facing one single common enemy--The Corona Virus.  The myriad of questions come like a fast-moving river, 

• "Will the stores close down?"
• "How do I keep all my team members at work engaged and feeling positive?"
• "How long will my job last?" 
• "Are we financially prepared for worse?"
• "How are friends and family dealing with it all?" 
• "Will Braden be able to get married to Abby or will it be postponed?"
• "Have I truly prepared my family for a prolonged shutdown and social distancing?"

Then, through all the noise, confusion, surrealism one clear question pierces through the surface:

"Are you ready spiritually to guide your family through uncertainty?"

For the first time in my life, I haven't been able to congregate with members of my faith.  To some, it may be good tidings, not having to dress up and attend meetings on Sunday.  To me, it is not.  Not for the social aspect, but for the feeling I get when I attend and partake of the Sacrament each week in an attempt to wipe the slate clean, put on a fresh coat of hope and renewal and look and then striving to live in a way to keep the constant companionship of the Spirit to guide me to make the right decisions and recover more quickly when I don't.

I have tried to keep some semblance of the Sabbath at home these past few Sundays.  It seems like it should be easy, but it isn't.  I feel the weight of wondering what should I be saying to my kids to keep a positive reassuring vibe, while at the same time helping them think about where they stand in relation to Heaven during times like this.  I wonder what might be going through their minds.  What emotions are being triggered?  Do they feel scared?  Are their hearts being pricked in the right ways to reflect on the solidity of their own faith?  

Stripping away all the brick and mortar,  machinery, programming, socialization, and production the Church so beautifully furnishes I find myself realizing how much those things really don't matter during a time like this. The prospect has forced me to ask one single solitary inescapable question:

Where is your faith? 

How deep are the roots of your tree of faith?  

There is nothing else.....just you and the Lord.  I wonder if the feeling I felt was at all like the one Adam experienced when God came looking to speak with him after eating the forbidden fruit.....

Looking into that mirror has caused some of the stressful feelings.... some guilty, some panicky, mostly reassurance and also a lot of hope and love. I have tried to use this incredibly challenging situation to figure out where I really stand.  I have spent more time than normal contemplating all that I have been taught, remembering promises and covenants I have made, where I have steered wrong and gone off the path.  I have thought about all my parents taught me.  I have thought about what I have learned from my kids.  I have even thought through the gauge by which I should measure this contemplation....  How will I know?

Today I found that way.......  again.   It has been a while, too long in fact....which is another lesson for another day....

I found it through being quiet as I possibly could. Peeling back all the layers around me like an onion.  Letting go of work, food, news, entertainment, music, cleaning, the noise of kids being home.  Finding that place where I could be "still".  Learning to listen with different ears.  Feeling being the new way of listening.

“Be still and know that I am God..."  Psalm 46:10 

I have been invited recently by the leader of our Church to "hear Him".  Today I did.  While completing a 24 hour church-wide fast with my family to help stem the tide of the virus, and offer prayers to calm the inflicted and suffering I "heard" a strong affirmation of feeling in my heart that caused a deep impression on me of the love my Heavenly Father has for me.  I cannot explain the feeling only that it made all the difference and gave me a new perspective.  I wasn't expecting the way it came, but no matter.  I am grateful for that tender mercy.

The resolve I feel as a result is a quiet one.  It is clear that I should not and cannot depend upon the world for my happiness.  I must find it only in the life, mission, and atonement of Jesus Christ.  I felt Him today.  

What started out as a hope for direction has turned into clear knowledge that I did indeed "hear Him" this day.  Surely I am so blessed for that knowledge.

I did learn today that I don't want to wait for the next disaster to find the motivation and reason for this particular search.  Unfortunately, it took more effort than it needed to for me to have this experience this day. That tells me something about my standing I think.  The strong look in the mirror today gave me some much needed constructive and honest feedback.  A most loving and gentle kick in the butt.

I pray for the strength to maintain the focus I know I will need, to Be Still through all that will certainly come forward in our uncertain future.....

Please pray for me....!