I was on my back, lying in the grass, people all around me looking down. I saw the sky, there were some scattered clouds.... I could feel individual blades of grass pricking my fingers and arms. Nothing to do but to gasp and wait for air to return while my senses were scrambled.
As I lay there the words flashed back.... those words that seemed so strange and foreign, yes, like a different language that my heart couldn't understand. I couldn't compute...slowly, the words sunk in and registered.....down deep. This wasn't just an errant kick...this was game over. Strange, I wasn't even keeping score.... but I guess he was.
What was it that he said...? Oh yeah, that I was "getting better." I knew I was trying so hard....but something was terribly wrong. How could this happen just 30 days before the wedding...? How come I didn't know sooner.... Could I have fixed it had I known? What kept him from being truthful sooner?
You can imagine all the questions that besieged me, like a swarm of bats leaving a cave at dusk. After giving him my heart, my love and my resources freely.... Oh what a fool I was, I thought... why did I give so much... even those moments of intimacy, all based upon a pledge and promise of unity?
It didn't take long, my teammates and coaches came to my rescue. They helped me up off of that turf, brushed the grass off, rubbed my knees for a minute, wiped my eyes, and then trotted off the field.
I didn't feel like playing for a bit. I felt sadness and regret for my part of the mess. I wasn't playing my best game, but I was hoping he would help me with that. In the end, he couldn't, he wasn't honest and he wasn't ready.
If one decides to play at a high level, the games get harder, and players have to risk more in order to win. I had a lot to learn about playing at that level, just as in life.
Feelings of loneliness and sadness evolved into courage and conviction, of who I was and what I could become. I circled myself with believers, those who could truly see the player I could become. I turned to Heaven and wrestled a bit with God. Was he there I wondered for a few moments.....? Why did I have to learn in such hard ways I wondered....? I wasn't sure of the answers, but I stuck with Him and He started to clear the path and brighten the road ahead. I started seeing further with more clarity... I looked briefly behind me and saw smoke and mists that may have clouded my play. I decided to not look back again, only forward, and with the brightness of the road ahead, I picked up my pace, held my head up, set the grit firmly in my teeth, and started moving forward, picking up speed like a locomotive building steam, creating momentum and gaining ground.
I stepped onto the pitch with a new outlook and felt the energy through my body.... This felt familiar, this felt good to play again with such a new perspective, a new mindset. I shed the past with each step, and when I struck the ball it felt strong, as if renewed. I played with new confidence that I hadn't possessed or believed in before. It flows more effortlessly with each passing day....
Yes, that particular game could have been beautiful, but it ended way to early...... I guess he will never know. I have no regrets. No, I am not bitter, maybe a little madder because I see now some things through the fog.....but that is turning more into this hopeful kind of sad which is a pretty good description. I am not 100% yet, but I am not the same player now, and know I am willing to do the work to win the long game.
Funny, it is starting to occur to me that maybe, just maybe the best thing that ever happened was the brutal blunt kick in the stomach. The one that ended that game. The one which seemed like the best one ever.... Not so much now I think....No, I see a different game now.... a truly beautiful game, Yes! It will be as the Brazilians say... "Um jogo bonito." Maybe then...... I can leave this sadness behind and embrace just the hope of all things again.
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