DIY = Overrated

So, I actually think it is documented in several countries that I am the most mechanically challenged dude in the world.  I become paralyzed with fear when I receive texts such as:  "Toilet is leaking", "Dryer is making a funny noise", or my favorite..."The basement is flooded with sewage water".  My heart actually stops, I begin to panic and my mind shuts down faster than a scalded dog.  

I am not sure why, but it is true.....horribly true.  It doesn't really make sense as my Dad was extremely handy and so is Paul my older brother.  I come from solid stock of pioneers, farmers, ranchers and do-it-yourselfers.  Most of my uncles and cousins have built homes....while I on the other hand have successfully pumped gas into my vehicle more than once, refilled the window wiper reservoir with weird blue water and I have put coins in a machine that spins columns of cloth that magically somehow washes the car while I am in it!!  (*a couple of sidenotes on the weird blue water thing:

One - I actually had to learn how to pop the hood, open it and successfully navigate the bar to its proper location to keep the hood up.  Amazing!

Two - It is probably a miracle that I  never actually "sipped' the blue water right from the container like I have done many times with milk.....Tempting though!)

 

I am convinced after many many years of horrific repair attempts and DIY disasters that maybe my sole purpose and life and existence has been to singlehandedly keep the economy afloat by fixing things by check book.  So... I am good at somethings.

 

Early on I knew I was in trouble with my first major project:  A brand new garage door opener.  I remember carefully taking every part into the living room floor and staging all pieces together to get a visual of how it would really look.  I would then gaze in wonder thinking "I wonder how all of those shiny parts are going to get into the garage ceiling, connect to the garage door and then magically open by clicking on a button."  I "studied" all of it for about 30 days before I even dared to take the parts into the garage itself.  I think it took another 30 days to mess it up well enough to have to call a professional....Oh and needless to say I finally learned what the term "losing your religion" really meant.

You see when I see the photo above I actually don't see anything wrong... in fact, my first thought is to congratulate the dude who was so dang thrifty and smart to come up with such a brilliant idea.  My second thought is "How come I didn't think of that!" 

 

Got the picture?  Pathetic I know.

This very elaborate setup is important for the next part of the story.  I certainly hope you are sitting down and you might want to hold onto something solid....... 

 

So I got a text recently that said "Dishwasher isn't working"  I swallowed hard, waited a few moments for the tears to stop and pulled myself together.  This time was going to be different by golly.  If it took me 2 months I was going to do it this time.  I said a prayer and started googling like crazy.   The Youtube video suggested that I turn off the circuit breaker.....Huh??  what is that I wondered.....Never had I turned one of those off before.  I wondered what that funny box was with all those black switches.  Then I unplugged the unit....right, I never do that either....then I removed  all the screws with the wrong tool and decided to put them in a baggie....hah brilliant.  I was on a roll.....I then did look at all the wires going all over the place and pretended to makes sense of them.  I became dazed quickly and went and got a snack to recover and refuel.  I had done about 3 things that I normally never do, so this was like going for the Gold!  I would definitely need to pace myself......

I then did something else I never do... I called a friend to help me!  Woah.  He came over and had fancy tools and electrical measuring devices which immediately dazzled me.  We found the bad part.  "A hah" I said, we did it!  Then he said, "you gotta go find the part and then put it in, make sure the wires aren't crossed and then put the panel back on, plug the unit in and flip the breaker back on......."  He might as well have been speaking pig latin because all I heard was "Blah bla blah, bla blah...."  In my stupor I found myself nodding my head and he went away......I didn't start crying right away, I did have enough in the tank to wait until he left.... then I pounded the walls asking heaven ward "Why me!??"  "Why me?"  What great sin had I done to deserve this.  How on earth was I supposed to even remember what he said much less do it.

 

 I then did something else I had never done before.... I wrote stuff down on paper, and then I looked up the part number of the fuse online and found places that sold it! My pulse began to quicken..... I called numbers and people answered and said they had the part!  My heart sank "Oh no", now I would have to actually go get it and then do something with it.  I brought home the shiny package with the part in it.  I opened it carefully and placed it on the kitchen counter and did what I do best.... I looked at it for a very long time.  Then magically, my inner man kicked my butt and told me to stand up and pick up the part and start putting things back together.  I did, step by scary step I did.  I attached an electronic part with wires that went into stuff and I put all the screws back on the panel, I flipped the breaker  (*That sounds cool btw) and plugged the unit in and then I was scared to death to even try it!!!! Holy crap, no way was I going to jinx the sucker by actually turning it on!!  But,  a text came through from my buddy: "Did it work?" "Crap" A thousand lies came to me and I began sorting through the ones that might work best.....but then deep inside, the new guy started bugging me again... "Come on, turn the thing on!"  There was no turning back now, I was committed like never before.... I had replaced a real part with my own hands.... it was like doing surgery on a patient but now I didn't really want to know the result.... I finally did it.  

 

I closed my eyes and pushed the "Clean" button.... 

Aleluiah, ...... Aleluiah, ..........Aleluiah

The Heaven's opened, bright lights shone down, and choirs of angels were singing praises.  It worked. I actually didn't really believe it at first.  "Nah, couldn't be"  "This is ME".  Somehow, someway, the stars aligned and the time space continuum was altered forever.  It worked.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I immediately told the kids.... they didn't believe me.  I thought about posting on FB and LinkedIn!  I wanted to text almost everyone I knew and I entertained the thought of calling The Davis County Clipper for a column piece......  I remember practicing my script for when Chelta would ask me how things were going.... Oh man, oh yeah... this was going to be so sweet!  I rehearsed well.  The text came, I decided to play big-hunky-deep-voice-man-of-few-words.  "Done"  I replied.  "Really?"  "Oh yeah, gotter done"  My head was getting very big right now.  I even started to wonder what she might surprise me with when she got home ..... (wink wink nod nod)  "Wow Honey, that is great!"  "Oh yeah, you can say that again" as my voice got deeper and hunkier....."When are you coming home?" I asked....  "Oh, not for a while but good job!".     Nice I thought.  As I gathered my tools (more than I needed....you know just in case) and listened to the diswasher purr like a kitten I felt this warm glow of manliness inside...."So this is what that feels like?"   Cool.....

As I strutted down the hall I felt the buzz of another text.....I thought, "Oh yeah, one more coming my way"   The text said:

"Did I tell you the oven isn't working??"