McKenna (17) had spent the long weekend "re-imagining" her room. It was going through a much needed transformation from a pre-teen "girly" look into a very cool modern hip uptown extravaganza, so she was pretty excited and tired after painting, moving furniture, going through old stuff, making tough decisions on whether to keep clothes that she almost never wears or not...you know, hard teenage issues!
The very cool part of the day came at night when she came into the music room/den and asked me if I would play my guitar to put her to sleep. I immediately felt a familiar quickening of the pulse, and a little jump of excitement in my heart! Wow, it had been literally at least 4 solid years since I had done that for any of the kids. I immediately got serious and pulled out songs from the past that I used to always play to put them all asleep at night.
The notion that this was probably one of those very precious, never-to-happen-again moments was not lost on me at all. In fact, I knew deep inside that this could very well not happen again. Just look at the facts:
- She is halfway through her Junior year
- She likes boys almost more than eating
- She is dreaming of college already
- She is focused on so many other things.....almost every thought and action moves her to look forward vs. any lingering backward looks at her childhood past, including that of paying attention to parents....
- She is seriously 3 inches from becoming all grow'd up and gone...
So, all this was flashing through my mind as I tuned up old faithful, the guitar I have had since I was 19. Yes.....cheap, classical, but comfortable and warm..... I pulled out sheet music that I haven't played for forever.
I turned out most of the lights.... enough to be able to glance at words and chords to keep myself straight and moving forward, because when you are lulling someone to sleep, much like a baby in a cradle, there is a certain movement....a sway......a rock that must be consistent long enough to make the lulling actually take effect...so, I needed to find that rhythm and keep it going.
I began..... the first couple songs were ok-slash-rusty. It took doing a few more to finally get into the right rhythm. Then that most amazing thing happened that doesn't occur often, but when it does it is just exquisite..... I entered into that elusive "zone", where nothing can go wrong.... the words come, the fingers know every chord, the picking hand just moves as if it has never stopped. It all comes together, you find yourself "in" the song, gliding along, riding it like surfing a long curling wave, as if you are traveling in and on the song itself...you somehow have found a way to "weave" yourself into the words and melody and you are one with it. It knows you and you know it. Time stops, and there is only oneness with the music. It is very much like finding an old friend... everything seems so familiar, as if you just saw them yesterday even if 20 years have actually passed....do you know this feeling?
Commercial Break: How do I explain my love for music?.... I really believe I wouldn't be near the person I am today without music in my life.....maybe that is a totally silly thing to say.... I guess I really don't know, but just know my life would be different. Man I love music.....I would like to think it likes me a bit too... I know people who love animals as much as people. I understand why. They find complete acceptance and no judgement. They can share love with them. They are tremendously loyal and consistent. Although I do not share the same affinity of feeling for animals, I find strong parallels with music. My experience is that music always accepts me, no matter what my proficiency of singing or playing is. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, the old familiar songs are always ready for me, and always bring the same feelings when first learned. Music accepts me unconditionally, and is always ready to embrace me on my terms.....Music takes pain away....it softens my heart, brings clarity to my thinking, reminds me that I can feel so deeply, it helps remember amazing memories....for me music is an aural photo album. I can remember people, places and feelings so vividly by hearing certain songs. Yes, music elevates my spirit and enables me to feel spiritual things almost more than anything else.
Back to McKenna....
So, I play all the songs that I used to when they were little kids.... many songs bring a smile to my face as I would often try to get the kids attention by switching words up or making up verses that they never heard before....they loved that... they would always want me to do more of that which often ended quickly because my creative stretch often found its' limits with only a verse or two... but that was fun. This night there was only silence....me, the guitar, and McKenna in the other room, quiet and just listening....
In high school I often fantasized about playing in a band.... how cool the idea was then! I have never been a "performer" per se. I don't really have the voice or complete pkg to do that. I have alway just loved playing and singing for myself and maybe a very small group..... I never needed more.
As performances go however.....this night was my finest. Alone, me and the music, with a perfect audience of a girl snuggled in her bed letting the old tunes soak in, letting her mind wander, unwind and relax. All these familiar songs gathering around me like old friends me reminding me of treasured memories, people I love, feelings I hadn't felt for a long time.....Mostly though, making me feel as if my "offering" was being accepted, as if I had found "home".
Was it all for McKenna? Yes.... Did I lose myself in the process? Yes. Did I achieve the intended outcome? Yes....she was fast asleep by the time I was done....how much time had passed? Who knows, who cares....The music for sure didn't and neither did I. In the end I am so grateful to McKenna for that particular invitation, more so than all the dozens of others that came often back in the day...because this may have been for the last time, to participate with her in something that means so much to me but that had meaning for her too. What I will treasure more than my own personal journey is if this becomes a lasting memory for her that will make her smile later in her life when she gets invited by her 17 year old girl to play and sing her to sleep....
God is good...
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