Matando Saudades

re·un·ion/rēˈyo͞onyən/

Noun:  An instance where two 

or more people coming together 

after separation.

After all, I think there are really only a few things I truly know in my life.  Most things I take on hunches, instinct and faith.  When it comes to a "surety" of things, well, I only know of a few things.....One of them is about "Friends".
There is something about the connection we feel with one other in this life that just can't possibly be an accident, happenstance or coincidence....at least not to me.  
We spend our lives seeking "reunions".... Why?  Why do we long for childhood friends?  Friends when we were 5, 6 or 7 years old?  All we did then was play silly neighborhood night games, ride bikes, shoot BB guns, play dolls and build forts.... Why do those memories linger so strongly and seem to permeate our brains like permanent ink?  Why do we feel the ache inside at night when we try and sleep but our minds go back to those simple memories of those wonderful times, replaying the movie over and over, even though often, those simple things we did seem now so insignificant, but so powerful?  Why do these memories of people keep us up at night....we wonder what they might be doing now, would they still remember us?  Do they dream of me?.... I find myself doing this often as if I am secretly wishing for a fantasticial "peter pan" moment to go back and do it all over again......

What is the longing (saudade) that we feel?  Why are good-byes so hard?  Think about it.... once in a while we do end up finding a childhood friend, seeing someone from high school all over again and in 5 minutes we have "caught" up.... simple, sweet, there is nothing more except a reminder that, "yes indeed", this person does exist, that we did do those things and that it was good.  Why does 'seeing' that person(s) have to be so much part of the deal.  Does seeing them make the memories different?  Probably not because they are what they are....But seeing the person, actually making that "contact"......the mutual look in the eye.... the silent but knowing feeling inside that we are briefly....all that we were before, that does seem to keep the memories alive and it validates that they were so great after all..  

I have learned that sometimes we think the magic is in the talking, the conversing.... maybe sometimes it is for some.  But for me, there is a security and comfort that comes from knowing that the connection we have emotionally doesn't necessarily require 

words......that the space where the  magic  happens is not what we say, not even reliving

 the stories from yesteryear, but just that silent knowing that we are still connected... that we feel the same way, that we are.....yes, still friends even though we haven't talked for years.  I have literally experienced my well being completely filled with just one knowing connected glance....that is all I needed, in fact, it was all that we both needed.  

One odd thing that can happen, is when the reunion goes too long.... when that one extra day you thought would be awesome to extend the connection in the end actually didn't help after all.... The realization that maybe it didn't need to go that far, that deep all over again....  Just because you were best friends "then" doesn't mean you still are now... does that make sense?  I have played that game and lost... meaning, I have found myself thinking, hoping even believing that the reunion must mean something more now for the future.... when it really doesn't.  It wasn't about changing the future, it was more about remembering enough about the past, which in turn validates the present, which then allows one to move forward.....and to allow them to do the same with no obligation of some new expectations.  This hurts when it happens, but mostly we do it to ourselves....

Can I just say that I have had my fair share of these experiences..... Nothing makes me feel more alive, more relevant, more real than anything else.  It is as literal a thing then anything else I know  to remember who I am in those moments.  No wonder I find myself really secretly loving reunions of all kinds.  Why wouldn't I want to seek that out and feel as often as possible?

So, being a guy that has spent his life saying "goodbye" to friends all over the world, I relish now the fact that I have a lifetime to pursue "reunions" of all kinds.  The pain then... of saying goodbye, it balanced now with connecting with each one that I know now.  The hot tears of separation are replaced with warm tears of joy. 

Maybe I am not alone in this world after all

I don't know if I need religion to believe this because I wonder if all people don't feel this way in some form or fashion.... maybe not as I have explained it, but in their own way.... but I do love the fact that my religion does support my feelings about "Reunions".  In fact, it presents this idea that we were all together before we ever came to this earth.  That we were connected first "then", so that one day, we would be re-connected all again "later".  Is it out of the realm of reason to think this could be true given that during this life we feel so compelled to "Reunion-ize" so much and so often?  It is possible that the feelings of belonging and yearning to be with others came with me as I was born to this earth... that they aren't temporary, fleeting and insignificant?  Rather that they are part of me and part of my discovery and journey here is to seek those out that can help me be my best self, whether that was a 2nd grade side kick or just a work colleague or those few that somehow completely understand me in ways that even my family may not.

So, I don't know about you, but for me....yes, I will choose to yearn for reunions with my friends as long as I am able.  Some will be sooner than others.  Ultimately I look forward to that one last final reunion that I believe binds us all together beautifully and eternally.  You know who you are... you are so important to me, I cannot even properly express my love for you....let me just say that:

 I needed you "then"       I need you "now"          and I will need you "later"

You are my Friend