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Monday, July 25, 2016

30 years later....

I wrote a letter today.... it was about decisions.  It was about how a decision today can have powerful downstream implications tomorrow, or 30 years later.

30 years or so ago, I made a decision to participate in the Hill Cumorah Pageant when I was 18.  That experience awakened many spiritual feelings and emotions that reminded me of who I was and how I might direct my life.  It inspired me to make another decision to serve as a volunteer missionary for my Church.  For 2 years I dove into the culture and language of Portugal.  Mostly I embraced the people.  They found my heart and it has never let them go.

30 years later, I am having sweet emotional and spiritual conversations with those dear friends and acquaintances.  They were special then, they are gold now.

30 years later,  my son is accepted to be on the work crew for the Hill Cumorah Pageant.  He is there as a missionary for 1 month. No cell phones, no phone calls home, only written word.   I wonder each day he is gone, "will he have a spiritual experience as I did?"  "Will he have similar spiritual springboard moments?"  "Will he crawl into "their" eyes as he shares his feelings about the gospel of Jesus Christ with the audience before each performance?"  "Will he be inspired and edified in a way that will leave him never the same again....forever?"

30 years later, he comes home and we receive him with great enthusiasm..... my wondering continues... how will I find out?  Will he tell?   30 minutes into the conversation he begins sharing all the miracle stories that occurred.  I look at him, very closely as he talks... he is different... I can tell.  Something has happened.  Something very quiet, something very deep, something very personal....yes, Heaven has touched him in a way that I understand.  He is wiser, and more mature, he has grown and is ready.... I can almost feel the spiritual battle armor he has been fitted with.... ready for what life has next for him.....   I feel the lump rise in my throat.  I am so grateful that this experience left its mark on him..... Yes, 30 years later, that simple "yes" to the invitation, "Want to go be in the Pageant?" has found a way to bring so much deeper meaning that I could ever have imagined.

30 years later, what will  Braden talk about with his kids?  I hope Hill Cumorah comes to mind as it did me... that the same Spirit he felt there will be right smack there when he needs it as he shares his stories with them... they will spark the imagination, they will be curious.... maybe they will go and he finds himself with the nervous anticipation of wondering if they too will experience what he did....

30 years later, I ponder other decisions I have made... They have all led to where I am right now, in this moment.  All of them have shaped me, they are like little letters I have written myself, helping me to move left, to move right, to stop, to pause, but mostly to fall forward with a perfect brightness of hope and faith.  I take them all, good, bad and ugly--they are all mine, I made them and they have defined me.  They are precious to me, they are my book of life.  I see the downstream implications of them now, reflected in the lives of my kids, just as I resemble the outcomes of my parents' decisions.

I can only imagine the stories your decisions could tell.... I can't wait to see what mine will tell..... 30 years later.

PS: if you want to see what Braden did click here:  Hill Cumorah Setup


Thursday, July 7, 2016

Family

I am not sure exactly how it works....  This thing called 'family'.  I do not know the "why" of this particular configuration..... this particular mix, this particular combination and sequence.  

I do not know why Landon came first and I do not know why Alexa came last.... I do not know why boy, then girl, then boy, then girl again came in that order.   

One small degree of variation and this picture could possibly look quite different.  One degree.....one decision..... has made all the difference.

Is it all by chance?  Coincidence....
 or nature's random throw of the DNA dice?

When I look at this picture....or any picture for that matter where there is a grouping of family, I simply cannot accept this as happenstance, accidental or the random sum of a cosmetological chemistry lab experiment.  I get that it would be nice to have evidence, more facts.... we like to know things sure.... but, nice for whom?  Us?  ha!  I think the real answers would fry our pea brains.  How could one gaze at and consider the whole sum of their family, consider the connections, bringing little people into this community, the learning and growth, yes, especially the love and not wonder that there could be some purpose, some other non-mathematical equation that puts this life puzzle together for us.  Why do we have to understand everything?  Don't questions keep us moving, thinking and searching?  What would be the fun in knowing all the answers anyway?

I believe the rabid chasing of non-spiritually oriented data, facts and logic to explain our existence is actually an excuse for the weak.  To think there are those that would rather feel content knowing that a cosmic collision of dust and gas out in space is where you came from?  Really.....?  They want that to be their "Mom" and "Dad?" ...... Ick!  They would go to their dusty and rocky grave with smiles on their faces and peace in their hearts that maybe someday they too can be some icy comet that collides with some other outer space debris to cause the next explosion and become an micro ameoba and start that glorious evolutionary cycle again... oh my, I think I am getting goosebumps!  How exciting!....  How meaningful!  This line of reckoning provides meaning in their lives??  

They want to kick the only thing that beautifully describes the possibility of where we came from, whow we are, what our purpose is and where we might be going next smack in the face.....meaning: Religion.  Men definitely get in the way of religion, for sure.... in every single flavor, but isn't it pretty amazing that most of us in this world choose to aspire to believe in something beyond and bigger than us, despite our frailties and weakness.  If religion was completely false, it wouldn't work for so many and for so long.  What if religion isn't the end.... but just the means?   What if it is really like the game of 'Clue'; designed to see if we can take the initiative and find stuff out... looking for heavenly clues placed around us in our lives, piecing things here and there to finally come to the right conclusions.   Flawed or not, I choose religion.  I choose higher purpose.  I choose to believe this union; family.... persists... forever.   Mostly because of love.  Love is the mystery.... love is the magic.....love is the majesty of our existence.  It is the glue in families.  It ultimately binds us to whatever is out there....  

You want to go play in a briny evolutionary soup?  ok... enjoy!  To each his own, thank goodness.

As for me.... when I look at this picture... I will let the tears of indescribable joy roll down my face, feel the burning of my heart and the lump in my throat 'foolishly' lead me to the 'vain' hope of being together forever, forever learning, forever progressing, forever loving.....   Yeah, what a stupid doped-up hogwash idea that is....  

You choose primordial soup.....I choose people with passion and purpose.  So leave me alone about it then......but then you probably can't... cause down deep you really do know, or secretly want to....because you can't possibly stand seeing me content without answers.    

Get over it... Families rule and the Godless drool.





Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Adronitis

n. frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone—
Spending the first few weeks chatting in their psychological entryway, with each subsequent conversation like entering a different anteroom, each a little closer to the center of the house—wishing instead that you could start there and work your way out, exchanging your deepest secrets first, before easing into casualness, until you’ve built up enough mystery over the years to ask them where they’re from, and what they do for a living.

Have you had that experience of accidentally meeting someone....and then in just a few seconds feeling like you have known them for a long time? Maybe just wanting to have known them forever...? It is that feeling of instant connectedness that creates this urgency to know all about them immediately!  Adronitis captures this well.  The small talk seems.....unnecessary, unhelpful and just gets in the way, like sticky spider webs that slow down the speed of getting to the "good stuff."  It is in these moments that we seem to know immediately, that there will never be enough time to ever get to really know them.  The realization is heavy, like treading deep water and fighting to get to ground but it takes forever....

I remember having a burst of Adronitis when I was with a very good friend who I had met just a few months earlier.  We had gotten on well and as we started to talk about things I felt this urge to ask:

"What were you like 5 years ago??"  

I felt a very strong desire to know them right then and there, not knowing exactly why.  The response back was a bit of a defensive:  "Why do you want to know?"  Fair question.... I stumbled for a reply....  I remember trying to find the right words so I didn't seem so 'dumb'.....What finally came out was not what I expected, and was a revelation to me.   "Because I wan't to love you more."  This wasn't a romantic "love you" but rather the agape version, the type of just wanting to accept this person for who they were, and by somehow knowing them more deeply would enable me to appreciate them more, to let them know how awesome of a person I thought they were.... as if I could be some kind of a mirror, that they could see the reflection of who they really were.....to see everything I could see, which was amazing to me.

I won't forget that moment.... the response back was very special, emotional and touching.  It wouldn't have happened if not for Adronitis.  It made me want to cut through the "red tape" of the knowing process.   It doesn't have to happen every time.......It isn't for all, and not for every friend...this I know as well.  But for those special moments that make all the difference, it is one of the "hurts good" moments my Father taught me so well to cherish.

To my friend....  wherever you are... I still want to know more.  I have to wait.  I will treasure the small bits and pieces that have come my way... they are like gold, never to tarnish, never losing their luster.

.... a toast to Adronitis, may you continue to play your part in the meeting and knowing of one to another!  long live.....

Monday, July 4, 2016

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

There are those that seek for beauty....as if to "find" it, to "capture" it....like a destination or a possession.  To those who are constantly chasing it, it becomes that perpetual, elusive leaf in the wind, always seemingly within grasp, but like a whisper of smoke, just as one grasps, it blows just ahead....forever...non-catchable.  

Is it possible that it was never meant to be "caught."  What if is is just supposed to be "seen" or "experienced?"

Why do we seek it when it is in us?..... When it is all around us?... Isn't beauty defined by the way we see the world.  Could beauty be the lens we look through. Maybe this is why it is undefinable by one source (Webster's).  You and I define it with every look, with every blink of the eye, with every soulful stare that is connected with our heart.  

Beauty is how our heart sees.  
Isn't this why a perfectly mowed lawn can be striking for one, while for another, the quiet yet systematic routine of a mother to care for kids, to keep a house together can also be defined as ..... beautiful?

I think that beauty is about being quiet.  Its luster illuminates with the right kind of intentional listening. Beauty is a bath you soak in.  It is spiritual and feels exquisite when combined with feeling.  Beauty is clarity of purpose, simplicity at its essence.  It is in the small things, and can be found in the largeness of a landscape or the serenity of an expansive sunset.   My personal favorites are when you find them in between the mundane daily activities and tasks.  When they don't happen because of something intentional, rather, because you were just there.....watching and listening for it while doing the task.. 


"Beauty is its' own excuse for being..." my Dad wrote once to me.... 

I found beauty the other day when I went to a funeral of good friend's 2 year old daughter that drowned in their pool.  I went to mourn and grieve, to be supportive of my friend and his family.  What happened was that they somehow managed to console and give me peace... they only talked about the beauty of this little girl, thankful for the opportunity to "experience" her for a few "eternal seconds" in this life.   


They felt so grateful to be worthy to have the opportunity to release their child back to Heaven... 

No....  I didn't expect to find that kind of deep beauty that morning, but there it was for the taking, for anyone willing to accept and embrace that searing stuff that only God knows how to give and make sense of.


On Beauty


Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide?
And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?

The aggrieved and the injured say, "Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us."
And the passionate say, "Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread.
Like the tempest she shakes the earth beneath us and the sky above us."

The tired and the weary say, "Beauty is of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.
Her voice yields to our silences like a faint light that quivers in fear of the shadow."
But the restless say, "We have heard her shouting among the mountains,
And with her cries came the sound of hoofs, and the beating of wings and the roaring of lions."

At night the watchmen of the city say, "Beauty shall rise with the dawn from the east."
And at noontide the toilers and the wayfarers say,
"We have seen her leaning over the earth from the windows of the sunset."

In winter say the snow-bound, "She shall come with the spring leaping upon the hills." 
And in the summer heat the reapers say, 
"We have seen her dancing with the autumn leaves, 
and we saw a drift of snow in her hair."
All these things have you said of beauty, 
Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied,
And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy. 
It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth,
But rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.

It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,
But rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw,
But rather a garden for ever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight.

Beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.
Kahlil Gibran


In other words.....You are beauty...  Accept the gift and reflect it on everyone and everything and everywhere you go....and drink in what comes back... It is pretty special to be that free.....