Young Love

On Children

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, 

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 

and He bends you with His might 

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

--- Gibran

It was just yesterday when I held him.... he didn't have a name yet.....For him it was Day 1.... for me, well I was 30, but it might just as well have been Day 1 for me too.  When he came everything changed.....and hasn't stopped since.

I held him for 6 hours straight that day.... it wasn't emotional....it wasn't even bliss... it was just extremely peaceful.  A lot went through my mind.... but the only thing that did stick that day was one piercing clear message:   he wasn't mine.......and never would be.  A few moments later and he became Landon Alexander Brown.  A couple more minutes went by and he was worrying about his hair for the first time!  Cool....  

Then, a simple round ball became an important part of his life.  He may not know it yet....but, it did a lot to help him know who he was, what he could do, how others related to him and vice versa. Soccer provided space and a place to "win" and "lose".........and time to figure out each one of those impostors.....  He learned that that both of those things also happened off the field with different implications.  He preferred winning......every time.

Restlessness was a persistent and constant companion of his.... it drove him to explore many things...piano, sports, guitar, friends, studies, dance, crazy videos and then it led him to a little band called "Spare Tire" .   What an incredibly powerful experience  that was for him.  He had a place where he belonged, he could channel all his creativity, show leadership, and contribute to something bigger than himself.  To be part of something that most talk about but never really do.... to be part of a rock and roll band!  To have a stage....a bit of limelight....an audience....a unique way for him to shine in his own particular way, was very exciting and unnerving all at the same time.   It was a dream I never fulfilled....he did it in a way that I could "live through" his experience.  I will be forever grateful for those time frozen moments he had.  He created a great story to tell his kids one day.... I can see their big eyes now--"No way Dad!"  I can hear them say..... Awesome

I realized what kind of "arrow" he really was when he responded to the call of a living prophet.....to jump at the opportunity to serve a 2 year mission at the age of 18 instead of 19.  The response was immediate and pure.  It took my breath away.... and I had to quickly find out what kind of "bow" I was.....Was I ready to send him forth sooner than expected?  He was more ready than I.....This will be a constant refrain for me......  I had to quickly become that bow "From which your children as living arrows are sent forth..."   Thank God for the archer to guide the bow...  The arrow flew true north to Canada.... and came back again strong and straight as ever....

Two seconds later I see this in the snow.... Hmmm, can it be?  Marriage....? No, No. No.....Too soon?  He just got home....He can't possibly be ready?

Funny.... maybe it is me that isn't ready... I squirm like a kid... I pout, I whine....not so funny.  But then in a quiet moment while stewing with the inevitability....the memory of Day 1 floods back to my brain... reflection comes and connects me once again to that one clear truth.....  He is not mine, and never will be.  So, I find myself and realize that I am the one having to grow up again! I am not ready....again. This is too quick for me!  How ironic....This is the second time I think he is not the ready one.....but it turns out to be me....."ouch"my conscious says to me.  It takes a few minutes....slow learner.  But not too much longer I am good......(after pulling up my big boy pants.)

I find myself on a new mountain top, looking for the next peak on the horizon... I have my bow, and know I must be ready to bend it back again....I notch the living arrow one more time,  probably the last........and I take great aim and say a silent prayer to Heaven as I loose that arrow....watching it with all hope and faith that the aim is true, that this arrow may go "swift and far."   So, the time has come again, sooner than expected, to let go and send you, I watch the trajectory and path... a familiar refrain returns and lingers....

"He is not mine, and never will be."  

.....Just be the bow, let the arrow be the arrow and remember who the archer really is.  

Landon, you are the arrow that will pierce her heart in the picture in the snow.  No doubt you will be true.  The brief borrowed moments from Heaven we have had with you have pierced our heart's too, forever.....

.......All our love we send with you!