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Friday, August 22, 2014

Today a friend.....

couldn't wait to tell me something incredible!  I felt the urgency before I even got the news..... I was driving around 12:30pm today and felt an anxiousness to talk with them... but I resisted as they were just out of reach...at 12:34pm I received a message from them....hah!  Love those coincidences.!....

It was wound super tight and ready to spring open because of the news inside! Funny I got that from an e-mail huh?  But it was true.... every second I didn't open it made it more crazy.....

I read it....Yes, it bounded open with great energy and full of newsy news...so fun.

Then....I got to the end....


and the words told a little story....
                                                       ........ a very small and simple story....

so small that for most it would have been passed over without a second glance... but for me it was an epic story full of many pages....sprinkled with chapters that spoke of  sorrow, pain and loss of hope, with yet others containing forgiveness, new beginnings and spiritual awakenings.  I read this one tiny paragraph and it was so beautiful tears simply just sprang into my eyes without any warning... I stood up and walked over to my office window and looked outside and felt this incredible column of peace and gratitude for God's goodness flood over me.... my heart was full, and it "hurt good"

I realized in an instant that I was so filled with joy because of how much sorrow there had been for so long for my friend.    I felt a sorrowful ache and happiness all at the same time... so difficult that I can't explain.  Gibran usually finds a way when I can't:

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
      Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
      And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
      When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
      When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

  Yes...exactly.  

It was one of those extraordinary experiences where you find yourself being overwhelmed with emotions hours later when least expecting anything.... It came at me in waves...on the way home driving, later while eating, then again when out in the yard trimming bushes..... it persisted and I with it....


Gratitude would be the right word, but is seems to fall short, but I just want to thank my friend... for never giving up, being tirelessly good, finding a place for hope where there was only darkness, for leaning continuously upon God and never losing sight of what seemed right inside, for being forgiving and at the end of the day...sharing with me and filling my vessel to overflowing.... Terimah Kasih

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Alaska: Shrouded in Mystery and Majesty



To the lover of wilderness, Alaska is one of the most wonderful countries in the world.
John Muir

It wasn't by choice but chance rather that our family was able to visit Alaska via cruise this July.

It was a family affair.  Chelta's 92 year old father wanted all his kids to go.  Back in the day....like, way back in the day....he put himself through dental school by going up to Alaska from Seattle, each hand holding a trunk full of samples and sold door-to-door all summer long along the small fishing towns of southern Alaska.  He sold blankets, suits, clothing and coats for Utah Woolen Mills a fine clothier operation based out of SLC, UT.  He did this for 4 years.  He left his family without means to communicate with them throughout the time he was gone.  He would wire money periodically. He met some extraordinary people, but mostly had to deal with the extreme feeling of isolation while trudging around in the rain in a suit knocking on doors facing immense rejection.

Surprisingly, as long as I have known him, his most fond and most consistently retold stories are those of Alaska.  To me, it seemed that experience was so intense that it 'marked' him indelibly, like a tatoo on his soul. Unlike most tatoo's, this was not one that resulted from a  drunken stupor....rather he earned his over time....grinding out an existence with nothing, and overcoming all the obstacles and not needing the world to know.....only he did...which was enough.
So, for the pat 20 years or so I have used a full palette of colors to paint and re-paint the stories he told, the faces, the scenery, the rain, the faces and details on the canvas of my mind.

Now, here we were... actually GOING to Alaska, to brush up against some of those often talked bout places and to finally match those "mental paintings" with reality of seeing, breathing, and stepping on the soil of those same towns....at least a few of them.

It was a fantastic journey.  Much had changed.  As is with almost all good "secrets" , we hope they don't always get "found".  Well, these towns probably needed to be found or they might not even be there, but they couldn't escape the inevitable "commercialization". However, everything just "inches" from the "touristy" storefronts, jewelry stores and other traps was ALASKA... the real stuff.  Wow, and the real stuff was incredible.... other worldly.... I spent hours just watching the passing scenery from the top of the ship.  There was so much mystery and raw power emanating from the wilderness.  Every time I saw these blanketing clouds creeping over the mountains my mind conjured up fantastical images a la "Lord of the Rings".  The images triggered my imagination and I embarked on a thousand possibilities.......


Later, we had an excursion in Juneau to go canoe up to a glacier..... It was spectacular.  We couldn't get too close due to possible calving, which would have been not a good thing for us in a small canoe. The odd feeling of both immensity with beauty at the same time was extraordinary.  The blue color of the ice was so unusual.  






On the way back from the actual glacier we came across an amazing chunk of glacier floating in the water that was made of the absolute most beautiful "blue" that I have ever seen.  It looked like some kind of special effects fake prop for some movie, but it wasn't!  It was just this awesome chunk of glacier that was "glasslike" and so so so blue that you cannot even believe it.

I wanted to get close enough to touch it and it was just perfectly smooth ice. It was one of those things that I knew I probably wouldn't see again as there were many other glacier chunks but were the normal white/blue that you typically see.  This one was so different from all the rest.

Very very cool ice....







There were times when I thought it was too weird to be on this huge ship invading these fjords to see the wilderness.....the irony was that I wouldn't have seen near the expansiveness of Alaska without a ship that could do that, yet at the same time I wanted the ship to get the heck out of the place and just leave it be.... leave this mysterious place in its' own silence.










There were two seascapes that captivated me the most.  On both occasions I just happened "into" them.   One was the first night out, I couldn't sleep.... I got up and it must have been about 2am and I went out on deck 7 and sat on a reclining lounger and just spent time listening to the wind but mostly got lost in the "midnight blue" of what was in front of me.  I was immediately glad that I didn't have access to any music for a change.... it was just me and that incredibly eerie cool space.  I soaked and soaked......


A second time I woke early and went up on deck to see this scene awaken my senses.... it was hard at times to see where the sky actually ended and the water began.  It was a perfect stillness and so beautiful it filled me with emotion.





Cruises for cruising sake I don't think are for me.... but cruises as a means to an end of seeing, feeling and experiencing some of the most intense scenes Alaksa had to offer ? Oh yeah, I am all in.  Thanks Dad... You probably will never know how much more I got out of this generous gift you gave besides reliving your stories and seeing the paths you trod, but oh so much more.  
Thank you for filling my vessel




Sunday, August 3, 2014

Hey Roland.....

.....I was looking for you today.  It started this morning in the car.  Not sure what prompted it, but you were there, maybe you were the one calling me hoping I would answer.  Sometimes I wonder just how two-way the process actually might be.....

I began talking to you in my mind....maybe not exactly talking out loud, but mind-talking,which ended up more like just showing you all my thoughts vs actually saying them.

I wondered how you were doing...  I wondered what your feelings might be as you watch Reece leave on his mission.  It must be amazing for you.  I am sure you have shared so much with Mom.  I can only imagine what you two must be sharing together and wishing we could be with you.....but you have to wait huh?  So often it seems that when we, humans, lose people here that we want them back.  I wonder if the sentiment is the same for you there.... do you wish we were there or not?  If things are what I imagine, then you must be crazy not to have us all there with you...

It has been several months since you left.  I have had many conversations with you.... I am going to pretend that you know them all and are right there in the moment with me.  I am so grateful for that.

I miss you... 

That is mostly what I wanted to tell you.  I thought of Cheryl the other day and I immediately called her.  We got through the normal catch-up chatter and then rode a "Roland" wave for about an hour.  We walked through everything again.  We laughed, cried and enjoyed all of you that we could through a phone.   Cheryl hadn't heard all the things that happened those final days. It was really good for me to walk through them again.  I let all the emotions surface and it was like a cool fountain of water as they sprung upwards and then came down all over me.  It was as if we both bathed in Roland rain.  The sadness didn't win the day, your light and energy did!  We ended the call, purged, washed and clean, grateful for you and your life.  You are missed.... you are loved.  Your life continues to be a gift to us.  That is what I wanted to tell you....

I miss you...

.... and to let you know that I accept your gift and all your love you had inside for all, for me.  Thank you for sharing.  I love that you are now always there no matter when I need you.... 

So grateful.... please accept all my love.