The Artist's Part

“Maybe we should think of memory itself as a work of art—and a work of art is never finished, only abandoned.”

I remember asking my brother Roland, an artist, how he knew when a drawing or painting was done.... he hated that question.  He couldn't answer it.  It was usually an obsession, but then it could become a love hate thing......For so many a work of art is never done.... I can only imagine that Roland revisited a number of his works years later and could immediately see things to tweak....oh the "could have", "should have" syndrome must have been powerful....I  do remember times he would immediately call to attention flaws, or things he didn't like, things he remembered clearly and with much emotion, sometimes despair...  It was hard for him to look at his own work......

......Funny, I been looking at my "works of art"  from the perspective of a parent,   What if kids were the canvas....Could parenting be the palette of paint we are given?....I find myself wondering if all the "brush strokes" I did were the right ones.... was the texture right, did I capture the right feeling and was the technique good enough to shape them into the best they could be?

As the two oldest leave the nest, I cannot help but stand back and look at who and what they are.... Mostly I see them, their incredible selves.  Sometimes it is hard to see if I really added anything substantive here and there, but the more I look it seems much more about revealing what was already there...  Michelangelo knew:

Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.

Someone plays tricks in my head...One keeps whispering "you are done."  Another says: "you are never done."  Honestly the first one really seems appealing.  I tend to nurse that one, but like all things false, it is slippery and can't stay still.  I hear things like: "It's ok Aaron, you did your best... they will be just fine... Your work is done." .....  As if the painting was to be turned in as an assignment only to be thrown into the pile of other art "assignments" as if completed and ready to be graded by the teacher. Yes, I play with it.....but I know it isn't true.

So, I face the second one.... forever tweaking like Roland used to do.

Certainly they are living breathing works of art... they will never be "done", so therefore neither will I ever be done with the Artist's part.  As I slowly begin to accept this part.....I find I have more empathy now for artists.... I understand better now why they seem to be tortured as they reflect back on past art.  I remember my dear mother doing the same thing... wishing she had done this or that... where she "missed", never seeming to take credit for anything positive or good.    I remember almost getting angry with her for doing that... I didn't like that she did that in the least. What a useless activity I thought, to flog oneself for things that one cannot change.

Fast forward 30 years and I think I have a bit more understanding.  It is hard to not see your kids mistakes as your own as a result of that very intense creative art process of helping them discover who they are inside life's "block of stone".  I yearn to undo a few brushstrokes... I wish I had used a brighter color, one that would have shone better on them, that would have attracted more light.

For some artists, the better question to know when a work of art is done is "Is it overdone?"   Interesting... I remember keenly when Landon was about 15 that this notion came to be about getting out of his way, more than anything else.  Boy that was different "technique".  I don't remember them teaching that one to me in "Art school".  How does one apply that to the canvas?  That was a huge lesson for me...  Less is Better.  Now more empathy for the minimalists....I get it.  Thank you for your part in helping me understand.

For some artists the worst thing that can happen is that they actually really "finish" a piece.  It is very clear to me now.  I am never done... these works of art are never finished... there can be no walking away, only ever ending vigil...The work of art now needs the artist more than ever....... To think that they are done and somehow freed from your touch is true abandonment.  No, I will continue to dip the brush into paint and continue to brush the paint on.... however small or slight the mark may be....

Thank God for the artist's part.  May He gently guide and steer each stroke on every canvas.....

..... especially mine, 

who could be more undone?