Heartspace the Ultimate Treasure Trove

As a kid, I loved reading books about pirates and their constant drive to search out buried treasure. They would go to great lengths to both bury and then later find chests of treasure of gold, silver and all manner of precious things. The fantasy of it all always captured my imagination....

I have since thought much about treasure since those early and eager days of soaking in a good pirate story on a Friday afternoon after school.... What seemed so fantastical then has become a reality to me now.

I too have buried treasure. I have collected my own silver, gold and shiny things from my own journeys to faraway lands, they just don't happen to look like coins or jewels. My chest is full of singular exquisite experiences, each of which has been captured, recorded and "buried" deep in my treasure chest called my Heart.

There are names, faces, landscapes, images that never end and smells, oh yes....even smells! Wondrous smells that fill the senses like a thick fog that rises as each memory unfolds and makes itself known once again in my mind's eye. Smells that conjure up whole experiences...each with their own particular "scent". The familiarity of smell is so strong and it has so little to do with food, but rather it becomes an anchor for each treasured memory. The pungent smell of a busy open market in Indonesia, or the earthy-clean dirt smell after a summer rainfall in a mountainous rice paddy.

The treasure chest of my heart is so deep and wide. It never seems to matter how many people I meet or experiences I pass through, there is always room to put one more for which I feel so grateful.....I call it my "Heartspace"

What I enjoy most about my journeys that delve into my heart, are the small moments that have been tucked quietly away that sometimes have lay so dormant, they seem forgotten...until a smell, a name, a face, some reminder triggers that small but significant moment to instantly appear on the movie screen of my mind and suddenly relive a wondrous memory, one that was almost just forgotten, almost out of reach.....but never gone, never fading and always willing to be selected again and again for an instant burst of energy or for a balm of gilead, to heal a current hurt, mend bent feelings or simply to put a new smile on a well worn face.

There have been times when I didn't think I could fit any more into my heart, either too hurt or too full of love to allow more in. But, the reality is that despite my best efforts my heart has its' own mind, it stores things that I wouldn't have chosen to store, but often turns out to be some of the most special treasure of all.

I write my own stories now, of traveling afar and finding treasure that I add to the miracle of my never ending, always expanding heart.

What a Cat actually taught me

Something happened yesterday that is a first for our family. We had noticed that Blossom, our cat of 8 years wasn't around after a day and night. This is very unusual for her. She was a very curious cat, but only within a 10 foot circle.....meaning, she was very cautious and never roamed the streets or neighborhood like other cats. She was very afraid of other cats and usually did not fare well in spats. We often found ourselves "saving" her at night when others would wander into her space. We always vehemently tried to shoo the others away to protect Blossom. She was one of the more friendly and socialble felines I have known. She loved being part of the family. Often we would go on walks and she would come thinking she was part of the pack. She didn't like to be alone and was gracious with her time by taking turns with all the kids, sleeping on their beds for a portion of the night. Early on she would do more biting and scratching, but she finally grew out of that. She was naturally restless during winters, being cooped up inside and would race around the house to rid herself of nervous idle energy. The kids adored her. I was the most aloof. I didn't ever have a pet, other than birds that for the most part weren't emotionally connected to me very much.



Having grown up overseas, I was trained in my youth to pick up a rock when I saw a dog or a cat.....as they were usually living in the streets, often diseased and rabid and not looking for a nice "pupppy" moment, rather their next meal! I never developed a feeling of empathy or love for an animal in particular. Most of the time I remember being afraid of dogs and just not liking cats. I wasn't Blossom's best friend.... I didn't cuddle with her or pet her very much. My allergies didn't help engender any affection either..... I would occasionally pet her when noone was looking in order to maintain the reputation of being the "big bad Dad who didn't like her". Some of that was true, but not all..... I didn't know how much until she was gone.




So after 2 days we started to worry and put up signs. We called the pound and then we went looking. The dread feeling in the pit of the stomach began to form and Chelta and I braced ourselves for the worst. Yesterday afternnoon the kids found her not too far from home silent in the street after being hit by a car. They came back home crying with shock and were unconsolable in their grief as they told us. We hugged them fiercely and let them cry. Some caring neighbors helped us retrieve Blossom's body and we placed her in a towel and we buried her in our yard. There was a special spot under some trees. We said a prayer of thanks and wished her well on her next journey..... They kids were very cute and made some creative heastones which are now placed on her resting spot. A very fitting restspot.

What I wasn't prepared for at all was the pang of loss that I felt. It was clear to me that I was "involved" and did feel something after all. It was actually kind of encouraging for me to know that I wasn't completely devoid of all feeling even though I invested so little. Part of it was empathy for the kids, but there was definitely a hollower spot inside me.... I have come to the realization that I only have Blossom to blame for this...it is her fault that I actually did come to admire her and her ways with people. I am thankful for that "pang" of hurt, of loss.

It reminded me that although I may not like everyone in this world, I can't really completely divorce myself from all feeling or total lack of association. Even fools have their bright spots.... they even have Mom's that love them! I am not sure if I would have drawn this conclusion had she stayed... I never reflected on what a cat might be teaching me!!! Heavens..... I would never spend time on that..... but in her absence, I found myself digging down deep and feeling these nuggets of sorrow and she ended up teaching me something valuable about my relationships with others....especially those that may not be in my personal "hall of fame" but that I must love regardless..... and look for those things that are positive and enlightening, even if I have to look deep to find them. Blossom, you crafty ol cat... you have earned my respect and love after all..... touche! Happy journeys.....ate a proxima visita.

The elusive scratch to a recurring itch

I have always been that person that looks longingly down every winding bending roads like this picture.... wondering what lies just beyond sight... my imagination holds my realistic earth brain hostage and forces me to fantasize about what Lord of the Rings-esque adventure is lurking, baiting me, yes....even beckoning me.

It is difficult to squelch the desire to turn down every interesting looking lane. I have found that this also occurs on the inside of me too.....Every so often, I find a certain restlessness inside.... It usually is unprovoked and sudden. The feeling is not anxiety, but rather feeling that something "pulls" me elsewhere. It is not always a place that I can articulate, but the "pull" is strong, pervasive and persistent. It starts with a notion, then progresses into a slow steay beat of a drum. The pace doesn't quicken, but it becomes constant. It isn't an "itch" that I can "scratch" locally.... meaning, It isn't physical, so I do other things to try and find that scratch....movies, shopping, reading, but to no avaial.

It usually remains until I actually physically leave where I am and travel to a place that gives me a new perspective and reminds me of who I am. I am often confused by the idea that that "leaving" often means "finding" myself. Regardless......until I do, the beat becomes a dull ache in my soul. Recently that ache came, but I really had no place, plans or way of leaving... but then a trip appeared-- Chicago for 4 days. Wow! Did that do the trick. I walked for hours downtown, strolled along the boardwalks parallel to the inlet waterways, took pictures of tall beautiful buildings, ate at open air cafe's and watched the teeming life of people passing by. There was a sense of business and everyone was going somewhere.

I can't seem to articulate why, but I found again the return of that comfortable feeling of remembering who I was seep into my soul.....it felt familiar as if I knew the place and it's people for a long time and the place knew and accepted me back..... It is silly to think I have to go somewhere else to remember who I am because I know who I am on paper.... I am my Mother's son, my wife's husband and my children's father......right? You would think that one would know these things without any shadow of a doubt. I know that I am a child of God that I have purpose and meaning in my web of relationships. This "itch" however... is something else. I used to think that I would grow out it of when I got "bigger". At times I thought the feeling was really just a manifestation of my own selfishness, which I still am not sure it isn't. I would like to think that it isn't, but maybe I am self-deceived in saying that.

All I really know is that I feel the "pull" and when I do finally leave and immerse myself somwhere else that a balm forms and erases the ache. I come back different, at least for a while, feeling alive again and refreshed. But above all else, I have a greater sense of being connected to everything and that helps remind me of who I am, which I find incredibly meaningful. Being able to feel deeply in this way is a relief and unburdens me in a inexplicable way. There are some itches that I hope never go away.......

Saudade

Saudade... Nothing can stir my emotions more quickly than hearing this word... It is an example of what I love best about other languages. It is one of those unique words that when translation is attempted, it only gets close...but never quite gets the full essence. In basic terms it means: longing or nostalgia which are both great words by themselves that evoke emotion in all of us. However, it does not convey the depth and magnitude of what it means to the Portuguese speakers of the world....For those who come to speak "Saudade" from their own experience, they enter a world that has been described by many poets and musicians as "suffering of the heart". I learned about this early in my life before I ever knew the word. Although Brazil and Portugal call it their own, many identify with it. Third Culture Kids in particular understand the true meaning and anyone that has spent time away from their home abroad that has immersed themselves into the fabric of other cultures....Casual "tourists" do not qualify. This is about climbing into the eyes of a people and then searching until the soul deep within is discovered. For me, Saudade has always been closely associated with "Doce Amargo" which means "Bittersweet". The reason Saudade has found such a comfortable place in my heart is because I spent my childhood making and then leaving new friends, places, cultures, sounds and smells. I never lived those moments casually, on the contrary, I gave my heart and soul to each place and left of bit of myself in each place just as each place in turn left a permanent bit on me. I lived much of my youth "longing" for those memories with a lump in my throat, my heart "hurting good" always feeling a profound sense of gratitude that I could feel and hurt that much for people and culture that was not my own.
Khalil Gibran captured much of this feeling for me in his poem "The Prophet"

Joy and Sorrow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

I recently came across the words of Pablo Neruda, a famous Chilean poet who wrote this incredible passage which caught the essence of Saudade....

Saudade

Saudade é solidão acompanhada,
é quando o amor ainda não foi embora,
mas o amado já...

Saudade é amar um passado que ainda não passou,
é recusar um presente que nos machuca,
é não ver o futuro que nos convida...

Saudade é sentir que existe o que não existe mais...

Saudade é o inferno dos que perderam,
é a dor dos que ficaram para trás,
é o gosto de morte na boca dos que continuam...

Só uma pessoa no mundo deseja sentir saudade:
aquela que nunca amou.

E esse é o maior dos sofrimentos:
não ter por quem sentir saudades,
passar pela vida e não viver.

O maior dos sofrimentos é nunca ter sofrido...

At the core of Saudade is love but only if it is just .... "out of reach".  For the Portuguese, the suffering for them was knowing their best years were centuries ago, when famous seamen roamed the world discovering new worlds....

It is very telling that saudade came from such a maritime culture as the Golden Age Portuguese. Imagine the wives and children of sailors, leaving them for long, mysterious periods of time at sea. Sailors’ families were perhaps the first to feel real saudade, not knowing if their loved one would ever return, but also being proud of their spirit and accomplishments.

What buffers my feelings of saudade during my earthly life is the knowledge that I have that loved ones, regardless of distance or geography will be met again in the next life and I shall feel again the warmth of their embrace, the hole in my heart will be filled with their celebration. I will speak their language and they will understand the soul of me, not just my words. This is what I truly long for... what I have true Saudade for, with the exception that it is now no longer just out of reach, but rather....... just within. Maybe there is another untranslateable word that Heaven uses which is Saudade fulfilled.... something that fills all the gaps that have been beyond our capability here. Could it be that word is Grace? A small still voice whispers to me that it is....... the word that reconciles Joy and Sorrow, that fills the void Saudade creates. Thank God for One special heart that suffered above all others, that our hearts longing could find Eternal rest.

Unplanned Lane Changes....

I asked a group of people today during a training session… “what happens when you have alignment problems with your car?” After the usual suspect responses surfaced, this one floated above the others…”You get unplanned lane changes” I laughed out loud while thinking "What an excellent response". My mind wouldn't let the metaphor leave all day long … There was something more there, I just needed to sift through it a bit to find out what it was….. It has something to do with “Change” Sometimes we intentionally cause change in our lives….. other times change seems to happen “to” us. It is the latter that I think applies here. Those unforeseen, gotcha’s…
One simple lane change can mean a world of difference. Robert Frost coined the phrase "The Road Not Taken" in his unforgettable poem...whether by choice or not, one can get a different view, a different perspective, a different experience as a result of a lane change. I think that is the trick…. Not wondering how you got there or always why…but rather focusing forward, in on the new view… what do I see and what can I learn? Often it is the attitude with which we frame our "lane" and that is what I think the poet meant when he said "I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference..."

Fingerprints in My Life

I have been reflecting on “fingerprints” and their meaning in my life.

There are mine on others, and theirs on me. The cool thing about fingerprints is that although invisible to the naked eye, each print is unique and is linked to a specific individual and memory. The idea that there are thousands of individual prints on me that all have a name and face warms my heart. They say that we are never really alone…. I believe it. Although I could find myself alone in the mountains or on a beach I am not alone.

They say that God is always with us…. Could it be that He is with us by virtue of these many fingerprints ? Each has a face, a name and a distinct impression left by loving heart and hands that have branded our beings with memories. It is ironic in a way that we spend a good portion of our lives removing unwanted fingerprints—we clean the fridge, countertops and windows…. As for those on me..... I hope they never leave!

There is something about their quiet persistence on my life that I cherish. Although memories can fade, the influence doesn’t…the mark has been made, the invisible imprint bonded forever....

Summer Afternoon

Do you find yourself ever passing something, then on second thought stopping and exploring a bit further. I was driving, saw this place, something said "stop!" so I did. It didn't say anything else, but I felt I should "browse" a bit and have myself a familiar "self-walk about."

Being alone with my own thoughts for any period of focused time can be very dangerous, but on this occasion I took the risk. It was such a pleasant and relaxing environment . I found myself thinking about how places like this can cause some many emotions within. There have been numerous occasions where I find a ......."place"...... and there is something about these places in and of themselves that forms a solid memory of emotion inside. It first causes an emotion, then quickly leads to reflection of what the feelings might mean and almost always they lead the mind to wander aimlessly and although only for a few brief moments....it almost always seems like forever, as if time stops.... maybe you know what I mean.

I am not always sure when this will happen, but I always know when it does. It is often most unexpected as in this case. I love that these "postcard" moments can be so moving and convincing..... of deep down spiritual wonderment. To me these moments make up the ultimate slideshow of my life. I can hear the music as each slide transitions to the next.....a long sequence of lifelong moments that truly show the real me... My "Youtube" video that I take with me and keep adding to. No......World hunger wasn't solved, no war's ended and no shattering revelations revealed, but rather a moment to pause and remember who I am. I thrive in these moments!

Birthday Memories

Just had my birthday and got this card....from "Paco". It was hilarious and I loved it. Not only does one benefit from the visual image of Paco dancing, inviting others to join him in the dance of life, but one can also become mesmerized by the sparkles from the actual blue glitter found on the card when in the right light angles!! Wow what a bonus.

Is there a lesson here? Oh absolutely yes, my friend there is..... I have friend that so reveres me that they would go out of their way to sift through thousands of useless, meaningless Hallmark cards and come up with this gem! Hah! Do you have such a friend? Makes one think doesn't it.....? I certainly hope you do.. I am lucky I do......

So, I will join Paco in his celebration of dance and life...........I just won't wear the frickin' tights

Leadership by "Me"

I was at my first Information Technology Conference recently and there was a great keynote speaker Dr. Jackie Freiberg who had some cool spin on Leadership.

I took a picture with my phone of one of the slides that was shown which provoked a lot of thought. Her burning platform is that we "choose" to be leaders, vs. waiting to be assigned that role.

The idea that we are essentiually "designed" to choose is so powerful. I love this notion and I think it goes beyond the work roles we lead within the 4 walls of a work cubicle (...ok mine only has 3...but who is counting?) but has implications and applications in all our roles of life: Husband, Mother, Brother, Teacher, Son, Father, Individual Contributor.....and yes...even those of Twitterer, Texter and Social Networker Extraordinaire.....

If my DNA is designed to be free to choose......then for sure I am completely and ultimately "Defined" by my choices. I am built to stand up and choose.....It is up to me. Although this isn't a new principle, I responded to the strength and emotionality of the "slogan". Sometimes in the work place we "wait" to be "acted upon" instead of "acting". We seem to always want someone to tell us what to do. We want all the expectations and rules to be explained to us....Often they are elusive and not clear...So what do we do in those situations...Blame our boss?, point at the lack of organizational maturity? Sit back and mire ourselves in non helpful rhetoric?? Yes..often we all do this.. We hide behind the excuse that the mission isn't clear, the objectives unknown and the vision blurry. Leaders set the vision, even if that means on our own without any supervision at all. We can choose to define our path, make sense where there is none and march forward. We just have to want to...

I admire people who do this..Not just "mavericks" that throw caution to the wind, but rather Innovative thinkers that decide to reach out beyond their "cubicle" thinking and build bridges between departments and people that wouldn't normally have anything to do with each other. They become "catalysts" or "enzymes" for change. They find ways to replace"Yeah, but!" with "Why Not?" They transform sideways like wildfire....they don't wait for the "top down" approach and the out of reach promise of "alignment".

Someone wise early in my career said "Aaron, rather than worrying about roles and positions, just "find a need and fill it".... I have integrated this as my slogan for my career. It has helped guide me immensely to create new opportunities vs. waiting for them to "magically " appear. I have found that by caring less about position, title and level, and more about needs, delivering value and building relationships that I have had so many doors open to me that have enriched my life, introduced me to new people and ironically enough.....money has never been an issue as a result....it always just followed nicely behind that mantra.

Dance, Love, Sing.....Live

Brice Royer from TCK posted something today about what one would do if they found out they only had 6 months to live. I like walking through these types of exercises because it helps me do something my Father always taught me.... to not only "see" ahead how things might be....but to "feel" ahead as well...

What quickly started out as a list of things "I" wanted to do.....turned quickly into a list of "People" I would want to see and spend time with. Sure, I would love to finally write enough songs and record that "one" CD, and see Italy and Spain, and go to Wimbledon or the US Open, watch Ronaldinho play "ao vivo", and dance! Nothing wrong with that right?

But, in the end, it would come down to people for me. I would spend 2 weeks making lists of names of everyone....everyone in my life that I could recall, and then spend all of my money, resources and time tracking them down and telling them I loved them and how special they are to me...... the more I think about it....it is the only thing I could do without leaving with regrets...

Yes...without question I would trade a peek at Michelangelo's David for a 1/2 hour walk with my daughter........ and......... along the way, I would ask forgiveness of a few as well....

........What would you do?..... I am curious