The End of Summer

It is midnight, Labor Day just passed by a few minutes ago...feels like the end of summer......

What a great weekend!  The sun was out, drenching all with its heat.  I was there, basking in it.  The moisture that came wasn't so bad, I knew it was going to come so I made room for it in my mind.... The sunset was awesome... it has been for the past few days.  The varied hues of yellow perfectly depict the season..... a season full of light.

I had carefully been keeping track of the days getting darker a few minutes faster.... as if thinking that if I paid that much attention I could will the day to linger, longer than it needed to....

Man I love the heady days of summer.  Where the world is a a glow with gold color.  Afternoons are the very best....They get really quiet...they are like incredible paintings just waiting to be watched, to be soaked in deep.  I love the clarity the heat brings to each day.  Hot is hot, and it is supposed to be that...right?  Why anything else during Summer?  To layout and feel the heat get to that perfect temperature when your body says "Hey, let's get in the water k?"  I always agree and getting in the water is wonderful.. the chill around the shoulders as they submerge causes the little shivers all over.... lingering with my arms over the side of the pool I wait until I really cool off, but then before I get too cold I climb out and lay flat on the hot cement pool side.... I feel the immediate burn and then feel the heat turn to warm.  The wind blows and I feel that oh so yummy balance of chill and heat at the same time.

Summers are made for long drives, long walks, long bike rides and long conversations on a porch. Summers make room for great memories to be made.  Early morning or late afternoons... the days are so extended they beckon for folks to come outside and be with it... Summer is for outside, but has a way of turning everything inside at the end of the proverbial summer's day.  Being out with family only really means making small important internal connections....

The bike rides with the warm wind in my face felt right.  It was very ok.... it felt familiar and like a friend it beckoned me to go a bit further, to discover country dirt roads I had never taken before, to look at farms, fields, homes and nature with new light, new filters with the only purpose to just..... discover, and soak and just....be.

Feels like the end of Summer, but oh what a Summer it was!!  I squeezed almost every minute of it I could.  I wasn't always busy, sometimes just super lazy.... whatever the day asked of me.... I gave freely.  

I love Fall, but Summers feel like old friends.  Easy to say hi to, easy to get a long with, always there when you need them.   

So, this Labor Day reminds me the Sun has worked hard.... it deserves a rest I guess, so with the familiar ache of hurting good I watch one of the last sunsets after 8pm descend below the Earth's horizon while it spews forth amazing colors of light as if one last ditch effort to remind us of all it can do and be.....

Yes, it feels like the end of Summer......one last warm reassuring hug.

In-Between

I did not expect a year ago that I would be in-between homes, and that I would be one inch away from having no kids left at home, that the roadmap of my so carefully crafted career path would fall apart so quickly....  I wasn't ready for the abrupt punch in the face that stuns one's senses....leaving one dazed, confused a bit and without momentum...

Have you experienced "in-between" before?

 Although I have been in-between a thousand times before, this 'in-between" has been different.  This isn't about being in-between jobs, homes, schools, or even countries in my case..... This is that new kind of different.... the empty place of in-between when the kids leave.  I can remember just yesterday how the house was bustling with kids and activities. Every minute was eaten up with things to do, kids to take care of, errands to run...... the idea of finding time for myself was fleeting... maybe I would get a few minutes, maybe an hour on some days.  Many times the only way to find that time was by staying up too late at night.  Back then, it was that place where I found myself many times in the driveway of my home, after work, lingering for a few extra minutes to lean my head on the steering wheel, mentally preparing myself for the onslaught of what awaited just a few feet away....inside.  Not bad, just busy....good busy.  It would require an "all in" attitude, anything in-between wouldn't be enough.

That was yesterday.... today I walk in and I can hear a pin drop.  Eerie...No noise... no bustle.... just a new kind of unnerving quiet.  I never would have thought free time would ever be a burden but it has been for the first time.  How weird.....The minutes can seem like hours, the hours days.  The irony is now I am not sure what to do with it.  Yes, I now can do all those things I never could before.  So I do them... and there is tons of time left.  This was that time people would talk about writing the next great American novel, to redecorate, learn a new instrument, or donate all your time to the needy.
Funny how that is not where my head or heart is...I can't seem to find the momentum to realize all those things I dreamed about.

Sometimes I feel the silence screams so loud here in this forsaken in-between place... silence that creates its' own tension inside.  I should be ecstatic!  How come it isn't enough?   Why am I restless? What kind of crazy is this?

I am not comfortable in or with this place... I want the clarity of one side or the other, not wanting to pretend I am ok in the "middle", only to confront the reality of my restlessness, like an animal pacing back and forth as if stuck in a pen trying to break through and run free.

In these "in-betweens" I found those two dobermans going at each other in my mind.  Each barking the virtues of their points of view, trying to coax me into their respective corner....being caught in the middle..... clearly seeing both sides, but knowing I need to ultimately side with one....Like letting go of a very dreamy dream despite its' slippery grasp on reality, knowing the inevitability of having to focus forward on something more tangible, more solid, more real.  Not easy for a dreamer like me.... but.....necessary.

I close my eyes, and reach out wide with both arms trying to feel the security and hardness of walls, walls I can lean on, walls I can feel and trace my fingers across the random grooves on its surface, following the texture until they arrive at the certainty of borders and boundaries.....

solidity of purpose.

Total Eclipse

Today the moon did what it always does every day, rotate around the earth in it's habitual unsurprising orbit.  A dead rock tethered to a cosmic gravitational leash.    It had no idea that today would be different..... very different.  The sun didn't have anything special planned either.   It was going to do what it did everyday, blast us with light, heat and a bunch of UV rays.

Today their paths would cross seemingly randomly, just by chance the moon would pass for just a few minutes directly in front of the sun.  The affect would be dramatic and capture the imagination of millions, and yet each wouldn't know about the other, neither would care.

It was so cool to see the light of the practically noon day sun soften so suddenly yet slowly all at the same time, such sublety.  It was as if a camera filter had been placed over all the earth, or over all our eyes.   Then the air slowly got cooler, the temperature dropped as if someone literally clicked down on the thermostat 10 degrees.  It was like being in a real life sci fi movie for a few minutes.  So odd, so cool and so captivating.  We were there, for just those few minutes, and then the light normalized, the heat came back and we went on our way......the moment had passed, and we were all that we were before.  But we were all part of something special for that moment.

Most of our lives is about people crossing our paths, and us theirs....  Most of the time they are like partial eclipses, then once in a while, we experience a total eclipse.  These are different.  These cast a different light on things.  The temperature changes in that we feel different, we see things in a different light......as if seeing things for the first time.  They can be cosmic, they definitely capture our imagination.  We find ourselves dreaming for a few minutes like we all did today watching that eclipse in the sky......wondering what could be.....lost in our view heavenward.

Maybe you have had a few total eclipse moments in your life.... I have.  They tend to mark us with more permanent ink than the normal day to day crossings.  They always seem so random, but when looking back, they aren't are they?   Something orchestrated the timing, the sequence, the time, so perfectly.  Can it really be so random when it comes to you and me.... Really?  It was just coincidental that you and I met the way we did?  Accidental?  I don't think so..... We felt the connection, we were drawn to each other.....cosmic no?  I would like to think it wasn't something, but rather someone who knew cosmic math so well that the algorithm of our particular total eclipse was perfectly designed for you and I to know each other.... so we could love each other better.  Here is to all the total eclipses that have brought all of you to my life.  I am the better for it.

If this is what calculus was all about, then I get it now.....I guess I am ok with learning math in Heaven after all....

The Archer's Bow

I felt it first with Landon, and each new that came after has been the same.  I have always felt, way down deep, that these amazing five fingered humans never came from us, rather...through us. I have never felt that they were 'mine.'  The process that brings each one here is too cosmic, too crazy, too mindblowing to think that they could be anyone else's but His, from Heaven.

One might ask, "Does that change your love for them?"  

I would say that is has influenced and shaped the way I see and love them.  

Mom always taught me that when we 'borrow' something we treat it differently, more carefully, in fact, if you can, give it back better than when you got it.  There is a greater sense of mindfulness I believe that occurs when someone lends you something very special to them.  

Usually, there is a hesitation I think.... when someone asks to borrow something of you that is like...one of your favorite things and you are kinda like "Oh crap.... really?"  You think you might want to say "no" but you don't know how....Does that happen to you?  You end up saying "yes" and then you wonder and worry if you are really going to get that thing back, or in the shape that you expect.   I have always admired the 'instantaneous lender', that person that joyfully gives, with almost no regard for hesitation... they have somehow already worked out all that worry stuff that normally gets in the way... they don't have it.  They start from a very different place.  A wonderful place that when you see it in someone else you marvel....a place that seems more difficult for you....thus the admiration.

So Heaven lent us these four...  cream of the crop, grade A quality, top of the line.... He gave us the best of the best.  What does one do with the best of the best??   Eventually, after alot of hand wringing and over analyzing, it comes to you in a flash.....you just get out of their way.  The most simple hard thing ever a parent does.   It is a sophisticated form of letting go, without abdicating any responsibility.  This kind of letting go actually changes you .... you step aside a bit, but you are doing all the learning, fumbling around to find your new foothold, to find the banister that is no longer there.  Never has there been so heavy a burden of turning over the bricks to God, one by one realizing He knows where to place each one, in the building of their future pathways.  

Gibran calls them arrows and us bows and He is the archer.  I connect strongly with his metaphors.  I identify with what he describes in a powerful way.  I love how he makes me think differently, about trajectory and how I can help them with that.  Trajectory is long-term mindedness, not short-term.  It keeps my eyes looking further ahead than normal.....  So I pull back as hard as I can, I try and aim while my arm quivers a bit... looking out without seeing everything, hoping, praying, learning to not worry as I let loose of each arrow... each one going on a different path, a path designed especially for them.  

With one arrow left in the quiver, I ponder about the other 3 that have soared through the air finding their mark...How will I know if I bent back far enough?  Misjudged the aim? Am I strong enough to get them to where they are supposed to go?  I must leave it up to the archer.  He can see... He knows....

So we return those that were sent through us, borrowed... one at a time....feeling the temporary loss, but filled by the experience we had with each.  The greatest gifts.... what an honor, what a privilege.... to have been part of your flight.  Fly sharp, fly true, fly far and find your mark.

On Children

 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, 
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 
and He bends you with His might 
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Happy Birthday Gold Dragon

It was super hot, like 100 degrees hot.  Early July....not like 1pm hot, but the worser hot, yep.... the 6:30pm hot.  Way worser...

The objective was to move this huge pile of dirt to the back yard and spread it evenly.  Maybe 200 wheelbarrow trips....  This wasn't one of those "required training" moments, it was service, plain and simple.  Volunteer time....

So, it didn't even hit me until I was really into my 10th load or so.... there was Alexa, shoveling away, non stop.  I stopped... looked up and realized that she was actually there.... no whining, no sass, no saucy quips, no sarcasm.... She didn't complain that she had to go... I don't  remember even asking her to come.  She just did, and was there....

I was caught off guard.  Not because she would never do this kind of work.   No, she could work hard when she wanted to. Not that she didn't want to serve, she has done plenty of that. Something was different.  Enough for me to pause, watch her do about 10 shovels and then I took a picture, hoping that something would connect later.....

..... I think I just connected.   With Landon off at college for the summer, and McKenna in Uruguay and Braden off to Thailand, it was just her.  She was the only left at home.  It was if she knew that and subconsciously and knew that she was now the new "Braden", the one that we would need to lean on, the one we could depend upon, the one that would be our rock in their absence.

This was her stepping up and doing what it took despite the unpleasantness of it all. It was like she grew up all over again in an instance.  I knew I would not see her the same after this.  She had crossed that threshold of being a sassy "kid" to that of full grown sentient adult.  A bit of a rite of passage in the most unexpected scenario.  Maybe I am off, but that is what came to me as I reflected on what caused me to pause and wonder.

I must say I loved the moment I found myself in.  I loved catching her doing this, doing it to help someone, doing it for love and the goodness of her heart.  Somehow she knew this wasn't the time for all her extraordinary and wonderful sassisness, which is also very fun.

Today is her birthday.  She is seventeen.  The 20th day of the year 2000.  The year of the Dragon.  In fact, of all the elemental dragons, she is a Gold Dragon who displays characteristics of  being natural and straightforward, which is Alexa to a T.  Other notable Gold Dragons are Bruce Lee, John Lennon and Pele.... not such bad company to be in.   Gifted with innate courage, tenacity and intelligence, dragons are enthusiastic and confident. They are not afraid of challenges, and willing to take risks. 

Alexa does all of this just below the surface.  She spouts a bit out loud, but never announces her moves....but underneath she has a heart of gold.  No wonder she is a gold dragon.  She would do anything for anyone.  She has handled an enormous amount of personal and family change and has handled it like a pro.  It has to be so hard to be the last one at home, having to deal with Mom and Dad peering in on her every move.  Who else are they going to pay attention to?  So, yes, she is under the microscope like none of her siblings have had to experience.  

The best is when I can catch that most magnificent smile she has, the one she hides, the one she knows about, but reserves for certain boys and when she buys cool new clothes. The one that shows who she really is inside.  The one that when she decides is finally safe to show the world, could actually affect the earth's orbit.  The one that fills the heart with one glance.  It sneaks out more than she would like it to.  She has a reputation at stake, one that could possibly be ruined if this particular smile became to "present" too often. So, guard it she must......for now.  

But soon.... it will be revealed, she won't be able to stop it... it has to come forth and shine.

I can't wait for that day.   It has been 17 years of waiting.... she has come a long way since wanting to "slice my head and arms off" when she was a 3 year old greeting me at the door after coming home from work.... it has been worth the wait.

Let's go Dragon... start blazing your next 17! 

Happy birthday!!

Beautiful Sunday Visit

It started with sleeping in.....    I should probably just end there. That might be good enough to make a wonderful Sunday...

Landon was home for the weekend.  It is always better when that happens.  We have a ton of fun when he comes.... it is a lot more noisy, loud and just the right amount of over the top nonsensical behavior.  It has gotten quite a bit more quiet since McKenna and Braden left for their missions. Yes, the noise has become a welcome beautiful thing.

We had a really nice church service.  Felt a great spirit there and left edified, tanks filled, ready to accelerate for the upcoming week.

But first the rest of Sunday afternoon was still there ahead of us... to make of it what we would.  A beautiful block of time, just waiting to see what we would do.

First, there was feasting... when it comes to food, we usually don't fool around.  We plough, we troll, we dredge.... No sissy salads,  nuh uh!   We consume with gusto.   Then, we launch ourselves onto our comfy sectional and crash.... hoping to recover from the pain we just submitted ourselves to.

I know, pretty awesome so far huh?

Today was just slightly different.  We had a special guest.  It was Abby, Braden's friend.   We love Abby.  We don't know her all the way yet, but yes, we do love her.  I think we started loving her when we saw a new twinkle in Braden's eye.  So subtle, so soft, so almost nothing... but the corner of his firm smile turned up just enough for those close enough to watch to see..... yes, there was something there.  No words were necessary... that is the essence of Braden.

Abby came over (*She's the pretty one in the back) and spent time with us.  It was so much fun.  We got to talk about Braden so much.  To see her expressions and reactions that were so heartfelt to her made my heart hurt so good.  To know there is someone that knows Braden so well.... to his core.... and accepts him for who he is.  The care, the concern was so authentic.  I couldn't help but be pulled in.  She reminded me of what true friendship really is.  I will never tire of Gibran's definition:

On Friendship
 Kahlil Gibran

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Actually, now reading it again... they both reminded me of what friendship is really all about.  It has been a bit since I have seen it so well worn by two.  It fits these two as well as any I know.

Time flew, we hugged her goodbye.  We felt refreshed, refilled, renewed.

(But we did make time for chocolate Dunford donuts with vanilla bean ice cream.   Scrumptious)

A beautiful Sunday visit.... 

The Quiet Power

I walked backwards, against time

and that’s where I caught the moon,

singing at me.

I steeped downwards, into my seat

and that’s where I caught freedom,

waiting for me, like a lilac.

I ended thought, and I ended story.

I stopped designing, and arguing, and

sculpting a happy life.

I didn’t die. I didn’t turn to dust.

Instead I chopped vegetables,

and made a calm lake in me

where the water was clear and sourced and still.

And when the ones I loved came to it,

I had something to give them, and

it offered them a soft road out of pain.

I became beloved.

And I came to know that this was it.

The quiet power.

I could give something mighty, lasting,

that stopped the wheel of chaos,

by tending to the river inside,

keeping the water rich and deep,

keeping a bench for you to visit.

-Tara Sophia Mohr

I haven't recovered yet after reading this poem the other day.  It has lingered on my mind and has required more of me than normal.   My brother used to look at art and at times it would pain him to leave as if the painting needed more of his time.   I felt that way with this one.   The metaphor of making a calm lake inside captured my imagination.  It didn't say "find" the lake... it said "make" one.  Very different tone and action.

I knew immediately that I wanted that.... but I knew also in the same instance that I was keeping myself from that place of calm.  I was the one causing my own turbulence in my own soul.  I found myself "owning" up to this fact.  The poem caused me to realize that it is worth the effort to create this calm clear water inside.  Not just for oneself... but as a means of inviting others.  The quiet power of calm.  How incredibly impactful that energy is.  I want it.... now so it can invite others to find a moment to pause, visit and then continue on their own journey.  You know people like this don't you?  It doesn't take long for their names to come to your memory.  They somehow have figured it out.... to not get in their own way.  To have an outward mindset, to build that bench so a visitor like you or me can come and sit and reflect ourselves.  We never feel judged or compared with...   A place where any visitor can dip their soul's ladle deep many times, to drink fully and then leave with lasting impressions.  I love these that have created their own calm lake.  Can I do it?

Yes, the more I think about this quiet power.... I want it... now.   Don't you?  To find a soft road out of pain.....

Let's tend together.

Tell me

"Tell me", he wanted to say,

"everything in the whole world."

In his shoes

I took a walk today.....  It started as nothing.  I had been indoors all day long.  I felt the kick to get up and move.  I went to the closet, fished out a pair of tennis shoes and plugged them on and off I went....

.... It was about 7:30pm and the sky had that very cool golden summer glow about it.  It was warm, but not too much....good warm, if that makes sense.  I had no idea where I was going to go, I totally let my feet just do the thinking for me this time.... It was great.  I couldn't wait to see where they would take me.....

Somewhere in the middle I glanced down and realized I didn't recognize the shoes I was wearing.  I stopped turned one foot to the side and saw the familiar Nike swoosh... "Oh!  These are Braden's" I said to myself.   "Cool!"  They fit great.   That was when things changed.... suddenly my walk turned into something quite remarkably different than what I had set out for...... yes, good different.....

I found my thoughts turning towards and tuning into him.  I imagined him in the MTC, doing the things missionaries do there to get ready for their landing place. As I imagined him this feeling of reverence came over me.  I was walking in his shoes....  Woah!   A very powerful emotion washed over me and it it was important.  I had never done that before..... that is, to try and be Braden for a few minutes....  I felt the magnitude of what he was doing.  His commitment to his Heavenly Father to sacrifice 2 years of his life to go to a foreign country, learn Thai, which is so wicked hard to learn and more importantly leave some very very special people behind to do this... and I am not talking about his family!

For a guy who doesn't share very much out loud with words, I felt a mountain load of what might be going on inside this guy in a flash.  I felt the weight of his love for this gospel, for his Savior and for his God.  I felt his testimony, I felt a lifetime of doing right, of inch by inch preparing for this particular moment.  The more that came to me, the waterfall of emotions cascading down my soul I realized how very special it was that I had put my feet into his shoes for this walk.  It was an honor to put myself "in his shoes", to trigger a glimpse of his life as he sees it.  I couldn't do it very well.  Braden's brain is different than most.  I am not smart to be able to break things down as he does.  So, I pretended to know, to see and to feel what he might but I quickly realized I was so out of his league, it was undescribably wonderful to walk "with him", as if wearing his shoes brought him right there with me.  I loved that idea so much that I started talking to him as if he were there... So silly I know!  But it was so cool.   In fact.... it was quite beautiful.

Have you ever done that?   Try it... I invite you.... go find a pair of someone else's shoes  (that fit!)  and take a walk.  Imagine them with you.  Be open... and let it all come.  I am curious for what you experience and more importantly what you learn from it.

I went for a walk today... I left alone, but I came back not alone....with more than I left.    The best part is I know I can do it again.... and again.  I have a way to find him now, while he is away.  What a great secret to know.

My heart is so full... Braden,  thank you for leaving those shoes...you left a part of you that I can find....

You had no idea did you?  

Reminders

I was reminded today that I here for a purpose, that I have meaning, that I am important and that no matter how small my contribution is, that any positive effort I make can be magnified beyond my own comprehension by forces greater than my understanding.

The world is darkening...they said....I see it.  Confusion is at the heart of it all.  New weird definitions, less focus outward, more inward.

And yet I also heard that there is more light present today then ever before....and that it will grow stronger.  I have come to a certain understanding and belief in many things.... but despite that, I find myself questioning things.  I dip and drop at times into depression, uncertainty, and bewilderment.  Then I find reminders all around me.... little post it notes coming down from above like leaves in my peripheral vision, not always paying attention, then....when I focus I see them, and take a minute to actually read them.  I stop, reflect and I open up.....the good feelings come, not sure exactly how, but they come, mostly I know from whom they come.....

We think we know so much, that we don't need anyone else, then in 5 seconds we can feel so alone, completely misunderstood wondering who we are.  Is it just me or are we that fragile?  

In those small dark moments, there is nothing quite like the right reminder....like a burst of light filling us up with inspiration and hope. 

Yes, today I heard many reminders.....they filled my tank, at times my brain was happy, and more often my heart was.  One such reminder was to do a self-check.... How am I doing?  What else can I do?  Where can I help?  How can I love better?  How do I get out of myself and focus on the needs of others?  Sometimes I felt like "Yes, I am pretty good there."  and other times I was like "Oh my.... def need to do more there..."

Today I looked for inspiration and found it everywhere.....In every reminder given.  I am buoyed up with hope.

Thank Heaven for General Conference