In-Between

I did not expect a year ago that I would be in-between homes, and that I would be one inch away from having no kids left at home, that the roadmap of my so carefully crafted career path would fall apart so quickly....  I wasn't ready for the abrupt punch in the face that stuns one's senses....leaving one dazed, confused a bit and without momentum...

Have you experienced "in-between" before?

 Although I have been in-between a thousand times before, this 'in-between" has been different.  This isn't about being in-between jobs, homes, schools, or even countries in my case..... This is that new kind of different.... the empty place of in-between when the kids leave.  I can remember just yesterday how the house was bustling with kids and activities. Every minute was eaten up with things to do, kids to take care of, errands to run...... the idea of finding time for myself was fleeting... maybe I would get a few minutes, maybe an hour on some days.  Many times the only way to find that time was by staying up too late at night.  Back then, it was that place where I found myself many times in the driveway of my home, after work, lingering for a few extra minutes to lean my head on the steering wheel, mentally preparing myself for the onslaught of what awaited just a few feet away....inside.  Not bad, just busy....good busy.  It would require an "all in" attitude, anything in-between wouldn't be enough.

That was yesterday.... today I walk in and I can hear a pin drop.  Eerie...No noise... no bustle.... just a new kind of unnerving quiet.  I never would have thought free time would ever be a burden but it has been for the first time.  How weird.....The minutes can seem like hours, the hours days.  The irony is now I am not sure what to do with it.  Yes, I now can do all those things I never could before.  So I do them... and there is tons of time left.  This was that time people would talk about writing the next great American novel, to redecorate, learn a new instrument, or donate all your time to the needy.
Funny how that is not where my head or heart is...I can't seem to find the momentum to realize all those things I dreamed about.

Sometimes I feel the silence screams so loud here in this forsaken in-between place... silence that creates its' own tension inside.  I should be ecstatic!  How come it isn't enough?   Why am I restless? What kind of crazy is this?

I am not comfortable in or with this place... I want the clarity of one side or the other, not wanting to pretend I am ok in the "middle", only to confront the reality of my restlessness, like an animal pacing back and forth as if stuck in a pen trying to break through and run free.

In these "in-betweens" I found those two dobermans going at each other in my mind.  Each barking the virtues of their points of view, trying to coax me into their respective corner....being caught in the middle..... clearly seeing both sides, but knowing I need to ultimately side with one....Like letting go of a very dreamy dream despite its' slippery grasp on reality, knowing the inevitability of having to focus forward on something more tangible, more solid, more real.  Not easy for a dreamer like me.... but.....necessary.

I close my eyes, and reach out wide with both arms trying to feel the security and hardness of walls, walls I can lean on, walls I can feel and trace my fingers across the random grooves on its surface, following the texture until they arrive at the certainty of borders and boundaries.....

solidity of purpose.