Catch you on the flipside.....

This was the last photo taken of us as a family 3 days before we dropped off Landon at the Missionary Training Center for him to begin his 2 year journey to serve his Heavenly Father as a full-time missionary.

It was a Sunday and everything was perfect.  Family was there.... from brand spankin' new babies to grandparents.  We had friends from out of town, friends from "in" town.
Landon gave a farewell address in Church and it was very special.  He probably had 100 friends come to hear him speak.  They all came over to the house afterwards for food and talk.  One of my favorite things in all the world... all the people I love together, socializing without looking at the clock.

After the last guests left, we took a number of family pictures.  It was great.  This one turned out especially nice and captured the feeling of love we had in our hearts all day.

We then tried hard to spend the next few precious days squeezing all we could out of each spending as much time as possible with Landon.  It was wonderful.  Wednesday did finally come....

.......after many tears and lumps in the throat, he picked up his bags and did a 180 degree turn and went straight forward not looking back...... as it should be.

We had a silent trip home... our minds and hearts were full, but we weren't quite ready to talk about things..... it was a good hurt, a good silence, a good quiet reflection.....

I have been looking at this photo every day since... It reminds me that there is more than just me.  There is "us".  We are together, we are a unit.  And when one isn't there, we aren't quite right.  That helps me a great deal.  We aren't perfect, far from it.  We are full of different opinions, personalities, feelings and don't see eye to eye on many things.  We hurt each other at times, we don't anticipate needs, we miss opportunities to encourage and praise each other.  We can get lost in the world of selfishness, we all do it..... at the end of the day, that is ok.  We overcome all those things by being together and keeping our collective eyes on the same goals.  I never knew how hard it would be do to do that. Unbelievably hard.  It takes more work than anything else I have ever done.  And the funny thing is that I am only now, so late in the game learning just how hard it really is.  It is the right kind of hard work that every family should face front on.

How do I balance what I need with what my family needs?  I don't know.... I am trying to figure that out now.  All I know is that when I do lose myself in the needs of others, I seem to do better than when I don't.

Landon has inspired me.... he is thriving out there doing his new gig.  It helps me to focus and drive myself to better thoughts, better actions.  I want to be my best self as a result.  I need to be my best self for the rest of the family.

I have said goodbye to people I love my entire life....across many countries.  I find myself doing it still...it never has stopped "hurting good".  A blessed agony.  I normally just tell people that I will see them again so it really isn't a goodbye.  I do believe that in my heart.

So... to all of my friends and loved ones......and Landon for the next little while.... I will catch you on the flipside!!  Keep flying high and spread those wings.  Fly high in the clouds as a family....find ways to bring them along.  They might not fly like you do or as well, but bring them in close and never let go.....

Ate ja (see you soon)

Beautiful Lie....

Do you ever fall in love with a song and you don't know why?  Maybe it was the mood you were in... maybe it was the lyrics, maybe it was the particular tune......then later, sometimes much later some thing in your life occurs and all of a sudden the song completely transforms into something much more meaningful....  It all makes sense in an instant....  This is one of many..... I don't expect you to understand at all.  But wanted to share regardless.....

Please listen to music while reading the lyrics:

 A Beautiful Lie - Yoav

Yesterday, today, tomorrowFade away like frozen photographsRemember, forgetThe stakes, the ways you takeThe ways you make the moments pass
Forever regret, I tell a beautiful lieAnd I would die if you find outI tell a beautiful lieEvery time that I did not open up my mouth
All the same, it’s a game, it’s a play, it’s a warIt’s a shame that we’re always fighting forI don’t mean to cast no blameI don’t intend to pretendI can never loved you more
But in the blink of an eyeEverything you ever knew can changeAnd it’s a beautiful lieIf you think everything will always stay the same
Babe, my babeYou got a secret, it’s starting to showMy babe, sweet ladyHow long can you keep it?How far would you go?
You tell a beautiful lieYou tell a beautiful lieAnd it’s going toIt’s going to drive you crazy
Babe, my babeIt’s starting to showMy babe, sweet babeHow far would you go, go, goTo tell a beautiful
Yesterday, today, tomorrowFade away like frozen photographsRemember, forget, forever lie, lie, lieBeautiful lie, yeah

All I know is I would go very far....to the end, and I will.

The Call.....

It starts from the heart and ends with the heart.... It comes only to a few, who have been qualified and chosen from the beginnings of time... The call beckons the soul as no other invitation in all the worlds... It cannot come unless the heart desires it.  It will remain dormant, on the shelf until the next heart summons it...  It is always ready, always prompt, always present.  

There is no other magic in all the world than when a call connects with a ready heart.  It stirs the soul to such a degree that the heart actually changes... it is never the same, it cannot be for it will never only look inward again... it now looks outward... to others.  It yearns to connect with others now... making lasting changes in lives for all eternity.... It is the first mighty love affair that this young heart will experience....  it begins to know how to mourn with those that mourn, to know how to empathize with others in deep and meaningful ways... so meaningful that the thought of pain and suffering of others begins to bring one to their knees for the first time....  Others pain becomes your pain... you embrace it, you feel it as real as you can, so that you can learn how to love others completely and unconditionally.

Is there a more powerful call than that of a missionary? There is something so unique about giving up everything for 2 years to solely learn how to align with what Jesus would do if He were here.

When Jesus invited a few fishermen to come follow Him.... they didn't know what was in store for them.  But He knew who they were, He knew their hearts. They just knew their hearts told them to follow....and that was enough.

It starts with desire... God grants men unto the desires of their hearts.  That can lead to good or bad things, or in His words, salvation or destruction. He can't make us feel anything that we don't choose to feel first ourselves.  He doesn't plant desire in our hearts, He can only "inspire" us to want to learn of Him, to be like Him, to serve others in His behalf....

So.... when an 18 year old learns that for the first time ever, that they can now serve a year earlier than expected, and in 5 seconds looks inside themselves....pause, then immediately recognize the absolute surety of their response:  "YES!  I am going!".  Well, that can send shivers of joy down a Father's spine and spirit.  To see your son go from 0 - 100 in just a few seconds says a lot about his heart, what his values are and who is really is.  Especially since there is always a choice... he doesn't have to go, he could wait, get a year of school under his belt... have a bit more fun before going.  There are a million reasons not to go at all, at least twice as many to wait just a year, and yet, to immediately "jump" at the first chance...!! Well, that is special.

They throw their name in a big "hat".... they have no idea what will come out... They fantasize about where they can go, where they think it would be cool to go... they always worry about going to "Idaho"!  In the end, they go wherever they are asked to go, no questions, no worries... they just "go".  
Then, it comes... that long awaited letter... they have never known anticipation like this... they open the long awaited letter....The transformation occurs instantaneously...They immediately begin loving the people of that place.  It suddenly becomes the greatest city, country and land in all the world!!!  Surely there has never been such a grander place then that of their 'call'....  

Those new people begin to work their way into your heart... they don't know you and you don't know them... it doesn't matter... the feelings start to creep in and distill like the dews of Heaven... there is no hope for this 18 year old!  Their hearts start beating faster and faster... they feel new things that they didn't know they could ever feel... what they don't know is that their hearts will perfectly expand to the exact size of the country they serve.  Their hearts can feel and fill the needs of every single person who lives within that domain... No one is beyond their reach even though they cannot reach each one.... their reach will be enough.... to touch those that need to be touched and the world will never be the same for both....forever.

Note in my "lunchbox...."

So... a couple of nights ago, my daughter, Alexa (12) asks me "hey, do you use your latpop"  I replied "uh.. yeah" wondering at the question.... then she quipped quickly "the one in your work bag you use everyday right?"   Once more I said, "yup".  That was it... nothing more.  But my "spidey sense" was tingling a bit, but was numbed by the late hour and the fact I was a bit more focused on finishing the brownie I was eating....

Next day... I get to work, pull out my laptop and open it up to find this envelope sitting there which totally took me by surprise!  

I notice the gargantuan mouths she has drawn below the tiny eyes of each image and begin to laugh.... This is going to be a good day!  This is a first for me, to get something like this from her other than father's day...so I am feeling pretty excited. 

I open it up... begin reading....I find the familiar rhythm of her matter-of-fact style of getting to the point.  She hopes I have "fun" at work because she is going to have a horribly "boring" day at school.... as if to say:  "Fine Dad, you go have "fun" while I spend a day of pure misery standing in line at the DMV".  She has that twist wry wit that seems beyond her years, but she has been honing it since she left the womb!

Then she throws the unsuspecting curve ball.... she says that she wants to share with me her favorite scripture and hopes that it will help me.  The reference is Doctrine and Covenants 121: 7-8.  She says that it has helped her through some tough times that she has had......  wow.... This is no small thing.

I pulled out the scriptures and read the passages:

7 My son, ^apeace be unto thy soul; thine ^badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a ^csmall moment;

 8 And then, if thou ^aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy ^bfoes.

I was really taken back... I wasn't expecting something that would make me ponder about what she might be going through..... but that is what I did....I rewound the tape.... what could I be missing?....What challenges was she facing that I wasn't aware of?  I caught myself yet once again, realizing that I wasn't nearly aware of her little life and all she was experiencing.   I have come to feel so grateful for these little reminders in my life about my kids.  There is no way for a parent to cover all the bases... and to think that she would share this with me, something so personal and spiritual really touched my heart.  

Lessons learned:  

Everyone has problems, challenges and trials.... even a 12 year old 7th grader with crazy red hair.  Not everyone learns the lessons however.... fewer even find the greater purpose in them.  Alexa did this day.  She grew up like 10 years in one moment... in just a few words she made my spirit grow as well.  It was like I had to now see her more as a grown up, not a little girl anymore.  She was sharing important life altering experiences... amazing!  How blessed am I to be a recipient of something so special.... I was glowing the whole day!  She is my last, our 'baby', hmm.... not sure I am looking forward to our last growing up so fast... inevitable, but still so hard to accept.... I love you Alexa Chelta Brown... you are an inspiration to me!  Thank you for enduring your trials so well and learning how important it is to share them with others.....

..... God will exalt thee on high...

Sadness

I need to feel strong.... but I don't know how.

Everything about today was different, more like....."not right".  There was no flow, no familiarity, no consistency.

I "brushed" by everything as if I wasn't really there, just my empty body, no spirit, no soul.....no Aaron.

Unpleasantness clung to me like cobwebs....

Everywhere I looked today I saw things pulling me down.  I feel sadness way down deep... the kind that is beyond tears.... I feel I should be crying but it seems to easy .  People very close to me are suffering and I find myself without.... empty handed like a handcuffed bystander... my screams are muffled, no one can hear, like a bad dream.

....And yet, I cannot despair, or else all is lost, even hope.  And that I will not let go of.......

........ no matter what.

Meaning in a messy room.....

If there is one truly elusively impossible thing for Landon, my oldest son, it is keeping his room clean.  he would rather have a root canal or go through surgery before tackling that task.  

I almost never go in there, for obvious reasons, but because there was something that Landon had lost, probably his Drivers License for the 2nd or 3rd time, but can't remember for sure now, I found myself slowly opening the door to the den of disgusting teenagehood.   I slowly entered, and realized I could not see floor.....  literally.  I saw the stacks of post-halloween candy not eaten,  papers from school that were probably from the 6th grade and clothes everywhere.  Probably typical.... 


 I didn't know where to even start.  So, while I begin cursing under my breath I began the impossible task of trying to find a needle in the proverbial haystack.  I started with the the floor.... moved piles of clothes, picked up trash and then slowly moved upward to the desks and things on top of his chest of drawers..... I was in about 45 minutes and realized I was barely making a dent.  I felt the familiar phrases of idle threats that always sounded good when noone was looking.  So, what started with a bit of shock turned into rising disappointment which then progressed into frustration and anger.  If only he could take care of all the things we had bought him, if only he could appreciate all the "things" we had 
acquired for him... If only, if only, if only.....were now coming out in words from my mouth in the empty room.  I finally decided to quit...This was ridiculous, I looked up and stretched my back and neck moving my head around clockwise......something on the walls caught my fleeting glance.


I stopped and looked up at the walls....... There were dozens of papers, posters, photos etc... taped to his wall.  I hadn't even noticed when I walked in... I looked around... There, up high next to his bunk bed were more on another wall.  Decided to go in for a closer look......


I wasn't prepared for the experience that took place in the next 30 minutes. Once I forgot about the task at hand, why I was in there and chose to soak in the content on the "walls", I found myself blown away..... He had numerous letters from good friends telling him how much they appreciated him and his friendship.  They looked up to him.  They shared experiences of how he listened to them, how he helped them and encouraged them when others didn't.  These were from both girls and boys.  Some were just cute and silly, but others were profound. I lost myself and track of time as I proceeded to read more.  I found incredible quotes from poets, writers, philosophers etc.....  Most were ones from my favorites like Gibran and others.... I found myself reflecting back on personal letters I had written Landon using Gibran's work trying to help him understand me, his mother and our relationship. These letters came from times of great joy and during times of tension.  I found myself reading these quotes that now, somehow had found greater meaning in his life.  He was now sharing these with others.... he had made them his own.  


Many strong emotions streamed over me as I read.  It was like I was on a seriously important 'field trip' learning all about Landon, for the first time.  I was stunned to the degree he was front and center to so many of his friends.  He was making a deep impact on them and them on him.  I was so impressed with his willingness to showcase these on his own walls, just as a reminder to himself of who he was, that he was this positive force.  It was completely satisfying and heartwarming to relish in those little beautiful pieces of of his life, all in different places over his walls.....


...... I left differently than I came in.  I felt I had paid homage to a small shrine in his honor.  I wanted to honor him and thanked God for that experience.  The spirit was strong and I felt my respect and love for him grow deeper in my heart.  


Somehow his room didn't seem so messy..... the clothes insignificant......they were replaced by a warm glow. I will trade a messy room to "find" my son any day of the week.   I pay more attention now to new additions to the wall and less of new clothes on the floor.

Hall of Fame pt. 2

Prelude:  I wanted to write this post first, but realized when I started that I had to go back to the original and give proper context by writing Hall of Fame pt. 1 first.  This post would be more meaningful as a result.....

Part 1 was all about looking through the eyes of the "son" about the "father".  Part 2 is now reversed.  The "son" has now grown up and is now the "father" having an experience with his "son". In other unnecessary words, this is told through the eyes of the "son-who-is-now-the-father".  (I know you didn't need all that, but now it sounds like a cool native American name huh?)

Story:  On a more serious note....A few months ago, I found myself with my head in my hands and my heart aching as a result of a poorly orchestrated "conversation" with my oldest son.  There are other words for that kind of exchange:  argument, confrontation, knock-down-drag-out, etc.... in the end it doesn't matter what it was labeled, the only proper label for it was...."Horrible"

I had violated my own rules of not getting "loud", not bringing up the "past" and by not getting all the details first before exploding.

It is difficult to come to terms with the truth about you being the one who loses trust with a loved one.  I had already gone through the normal but unhelpful process of trying to justify every position and comment I had made.  I was older, knew more and therefore was "right" by these and the virtue of being the "Father".

As my head lowered with each successive "replay" I came to the realization that all my "expertise" and "experience" weren't worth a hill of beans.  In fact, it was if they didn't matter at all.  The only thing that had mattered was the slowly creeping-in sensation that maybe somehow I was "wrong".  No matter how much I pushed the idea away, it would not back down.  It made itself known and silently presented itself for what it was.....Truth!   

Sidenote:  Isn't Truth the ultimate "face job"?  Revenge pretends to be the one that owns the tagline "Hah, right back at you Jerk"  but, I think not.  Truth owns it outright.  It doesn't have to explain itself, it doesn't justify itself.... it doesn't have to. It just "IS".  I have come to love Truth more in my life as I make more mistakes and realize I fall short.  Truth pierces like no other and it will not be denied.  We can pretend to not "see" it, which we all do, but at the end of the day, it will be seen by all.

The time came many hours later, sitting on the couch in the dark, when my heart finally won over my head, and I let truth in to teach me yet again.  The feelings of remorse came, the burn of tears through pained eyes and the right kind of authentic hurt was felt.

It was during the latter part of this stage when my youngest son, Braden came over, through the dark and sat down next to me.  He then said: "How are you doing?"  I said: "Not great".. He then did something he has never done before or since...... he began to simply ask questions about work, what was going on there, he remembered small things that he shouldn't have even known about.  He continued with just a few of these questions that took me so off guard, yet I knew that they were heartfelt and not contrived just to "change the subject" if you know what I mean.  I was so startled by his maturity and willingness to go where he normally never went.  It completely diffused the heavy feelings I was having and it "broke the bad juju" spell I was under.  He was so quiet, unassuming and yet he knew that was what he needed to do to help Dad.  He somehow knew down deep that he couldn't do many things, but he could just innocently reach out and ask a few sincere questions.  

The affect was immediate and powerful.  I was able to process from that point quickly and then proceeded to make amends with my oldest son soon after.  But what lingered from this experience was what Braden did....not all the stuff in between, but that single, simple well intentioned act of Love he rendered in my behalf.  Yes, one might say that my heart transitioned from feeling "bad" to "hurting good".  You saved me that day.

Braden, you jumped into my Hall of Fame in that instant and it made all the difference in the world.  Sounds strangely "familiar".......like an echo of 25 years ago.

So, that is all, that is it. One simple story, one of many arguments before and since, yet that one will always stand out to me.

Postlude:  I have since thought a lot about the notion of being "Saved".   In a very real way, Braden "saved" me from that situation.  I have been saved by my wife and a few others during the course of my life.  In my mind they are all simply examples of the ultimate Savior, Jesus Christ.  The truth is, He already did it for me...in fact he did it for all of us.  He "saved" us all in every way.  If He were here today, he would be doing the work that Braden did for me. In His wisdom he allows each one of us to be angels to one another by exemplifying His eternal mercy and love through small simple acts of love.  I have a profound feeling of honor and respect for Braden.  Thank you son, for your example.......  I hope I can return the favor one day.

My Theme Song

My life is tethered to a rolling stone,

my dreams are anchored in the wind.



I come from here, I come from there,

in truth I come from everywhere.

My tongue does not have a mother,

my language is an open mind.

Before I learned how to walk,

I already knew how to fly.

Comfort for me is constant motion

 continent to continent....

 .....ocean to ocean


This is the beginning of knowing me

Hall of Fame pt. 1

Prelude:  It was the summer of '86.  I had just returned home from serving in Portugal for 2 years as a volunteer missionary.  I was on top of the world.  I had just experienced the best 2 years of my life as I knew it then.  I was with my parents in Northern VA and had turned my thoughts to work in prep to return for fall semester at BYU. I had landed a midnight to 6am job driving a large van to distribute newspapers to about 30 routes for the Washington Post.  I would try and get a couple of hours of sleep before leaving then finish up with a few more on the flipside before going to a second job by 10am.


Story: My dad had decided to for some unknown mysterious reason, to take upon himself a rather "large" paper route.  When I say "large" I mean "humongous"!!  He did it himself with help of my younger brother JJ.  Going to Mom for answers didn't work as she was already banging her head against the wall wondering what on earth my Dad was thinking. Nevertheless, while we were all scratching our heads, Dad was busy designing the absolutely most organized and well orchestrated paper route man has seen.  He did maps on his computer, he had a color coding system that the CIA would be envious of. He was very disciplined and he ran that thing like a well oiled machine. If there were an Oscar for Paper Routes....well...nuff said!  


Sometimes, when he wasn't careful, and you were in the right position and the right time, you could catch a twinkle in his eye and and a little grin that said something like.. "he he... I am the master of my universe..." minus the stereo typical dramatic evil Draculan laugh that one would expect.....


Now, it didn't matter if it was rain or shine or even  "school closing" snow,  he never missed a day and almost never missed a paper. He did this for years.  Every Saturday evening was spent in our living room with a pile of Sunday inserts....which we all rolled and rubber banded while we watched "Star Search"..... (Ok, so there was no Idol then.... k?)  Nothing was funner than getting up super early on Sunday and load up the papers....each one seriously felt like a block of cement.  Then running around delivering those chunks of bricks...it look twice as long and we had to finish quickly in time to go to our next favorite thing on Sunday......right....Church!  Oh Yeah!! and there was much rejoicing throughout the land....


But once I had taken this nightime job, I had to catch more sleep each morning when I got home in order to be halfway ready for my 2nd job.  So, for several months he and JJ were on their own....(except for those bloody Sundays.)     


Then came my last day.... the day I would be returning to school and leaving home yet one more time.  I remember the day so well... I finished my night route, got home and was on my way into the house when something said to my mind "Go find Dad...!"  I immediately decided to follow the voice....I ran the route until I found him.... I didn't have to go too far and when he saw me coming he shouted out "Hey! great to see you..."  I said "Put me to work".  We finished the route in record time, the day progressed and off I went to BYU.


Fast Forward:  Later.... I think it would have been months later... I received one of Dad's letters.  I can hardly talk about Dad's letters without feeling a lump in my throat.... .  I had come to rely upon them much in my life.  No one wrote letters like Dad.  I opened the letter and then read about that last day I left for BYU many months ago.  


He said that he was already not looking forward to my leaving that day, and knowing he wouldn't see me before I left, when I came bounding down the sidewalk in the darkness to find him and help, he said in that moment I "jumped" into his personal "Hall of Fame".  He proceeded to tell me how special that small moment was for him.  It was totally unexpected.


I had to stop and rewind and play the "tape" again in my mind.  My heart got involved this time.  I thought it was nothing....more fun than very important.  He saw it quite differently. He drew me into the feelings that Fathers have, a context that I couldn't quite understand at the time,  but believed him.  


He went on to say for the first of many times how much I made him "Hurt Good".  This has become a very special term that he and I have traded back and forth since that time.  I have come to know how special that feeling is.


That was it, nothing more; simple really when I think of it, but so profound and it has left its permanent mark on my heart.  

Postlude:  I have since thought about my personal "Hall of Fame".... Who is in there?  Who do I let in?  What do they have to do?  Do I need to have one?  I have thought, and felt about it a lot since then.  I have learned there is a door, there is criteria, but I have never written it down.  In fact, I am not even sure I could tell you.... but I can say that my heart absolutely knows what the entrance criteria is.  I never know when it will happen, but when it does, it is as clear as a whistle through a silent sky.  Do you have one?  "Hurts Good" works for me.

So, I have stopped scratching my head about Dad's paper route.  That letter put that question to bed. I secretly smile to myself in a more knowing way as I think about the many times we spent working together, accomplishing something hard - together.  My hat's off to you Dad...You were always way smarter than me  Thanks for taking that paper route in order to teach me a life lesson about "hurting good" It has made all the difference.  

If you were here today......

If you were here today..... 

Here is what you wouldn't do first.....

• Clean the kitchen
• Sweep the floor
• Cast a glancing eye at the dust here and there
• Roll your eyes at the McDonald's bag on the counter

These never were your strengths and thank Heaven they weren't, even though you spent a lifetime worrying over them.  I am glad they really didn't matter in the end.....

Here is what you would do instead: 

1. You would be anxious to hear the kids sing and dance, (only you would be able to get them to do it too!) 
2. You wouldn't be able to restrain the urge to teach them something along the way as well, some dance move, or encouragement for something artistic. 
3. You would "ooh" and "ahh" no matter what they did and you would make them feel like it was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen.
4. You would tell them the stories of how you would dance as a little girl with your sisters for the troops during WWII and how the soldiers would throw pennies on the stage which you loved!
5. You would tell them to smile and shine all the time
6. You would squeeze every detail of worth out of each moment
7. You wouldn't dare leave without letting each know of their infiinte worth and potential and how the Lord would bless them.
8. You would make each one of them feel so unique and special.
9. You would give them each a breathless tight hug, as if it would be your last....  

They would feel your excitement and enthusiasm for true and free expression....  They would start practicing the minute you left for the next visit.

As I play the film in my mind's eye, it is so clear and vivid that it is as if you really were here.  I know the script, I can hear the dialogue, I know all the camera angles, yes...even when to zoom in on a particular moment. Predictable plot?  Oh yes!, but always special. I know the beginning, middle and end.... oh, the ends were so hard...the longing looks, the hugs that didn't need to be so tight, but were anyway.  Your film is perfect, always re-watchable, always in technicolor, always ending with a lump in the throat.

Keep dancing Mom, never stop and thank you for that lasting legacy....... abraco,

Happy Mothers Day