God is Soft...

What is soft....?

babies are soft...

Blankets are soft.....

lips are soft....

kisses are soft.....

feeling understood is soft....

Love is soft.....it has no hard edges or sharp points.... they say that love can hurt.... It only hurts good.  The hurt part of that equation is that it can be so deep that it pulls everything you have down with it, and that can hurt because there doesn't seem to be enough room to pour everything we have down into that space that we want to be totally consumed in.....

Saying goodbye can hurt, but it isn't hard and can still be soft......if you let it.

God is soft....

Mom....I know you saw this one!

Click here: Wicked Game - Travis Wall and Amy

I have been watching SYTYCD since the first episode of season 1.  I love this show... I love the dance, I love the music, and choreography.  What is most special is that I often wonder if Mom is watching with me through all these years..... I like to think she is.  I often find myself wanting to look over at her to see how her face and body are reacting to each number... Without fail she could not watch any dance with just her eyes... she watched with her whole body and soul.  I loved that about her.  It made me change the way I watched music and dance forever.

Mom was a dancer, but I knew her best as a choreographer.  I have a special appreciation for that part of her craft as it often goes unheralded or understood.  The dancers make it come alive...the choreographer is held hostage by the dancers... unless she can design, tailor and inspire the dancers to "live, breathe and ultimately create" the dance, it may not work.  I was a student of Mom's for many years.  I danced her choreography to tap, charleston, swing, etc.... growing up.  I loved performing and I still remember many of the routines.  I remember Mom agonizing and staying up late writing moves on reams of paper trying to figure out the right sequencing... playing, stopping, rewinding the music over and over matching steps on paper with the precise point of music.  It was her creative process.  I never really understood it but loved it.  She left a legacy of choreography literally all over the world.  Hundreds of students can say they were taught by Mom and many of my friends still tell me that from Brazil and Indonesia.  They remember those experiences and were glad she was their teacher.  She loved to praise her students.  She had patience and empathy to no end.

Season 2 produced a wonderful dancer named Travis Wall, one of the top dancers who was runner-up that year.  He moved quickly on to be a top choreographer and has since helped with the show for many years.  This particular video was a recent number on Season 10 that was not only choreographed by Travis but he is a dancer in it as well.

It is one of those pieces where time stops, chills come over the body and emotion rises in the chest, at least for me it did.  I love how this art form can make me feel.  I am not sure why dance does this to me, or music, but there is something spiritual about it and it feels familiar to my soul.

I thank God for music and dance... it is part of me and I feel so connected to it.  I owe it all to my Mom.  So, yes, I know she was there watching this with me... and this time, as I turned my head and looked to her face for the reaction........this time she was there...... and I saw the tears running down her face and her hands crossed against her heart silent exclaiming how beautiful it was.

"Thank God for the artist's part" was a line my Dad wrote once in a poem honoring Mom and her contribution to dance.  I honor both her and Travis tonight.

Good lump in the throat experience and was so happy Mom was there.....

On Friendship

Kahlil Gibran

Your friend is your needs answered.

He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.

And he is your board and your fireside.

For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."

And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;

For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Man I love this poem and I love this guys' work.....He slays me every time I read it.  I see myself "in it" but with a new perspective and new insight at each read.  He explains things that I cannot....he somehow knows exactly how I feel.  I can't read this without a lump in my throat.  I would have loved to have sat down with him, with a nice big ol' Big Gulp brown drink and then chatted with him about his inspiration for this and his context.  I find him fascinating.  This particular piece has blessed my life to no end...... Thank you!

Matando Saudades

re·un·ion/rēˈyo͞onyən/

Noun:  An instance where two 

or more people coming together 

after separation.

After all, I think there are really only a few things I truly know in my life.  Most things I take on hunches, instinct and faith.  When it comes to a "surety" of things, well, I only know of a few things.....One of them is about "Friends".
There is something about the connection we feel with one other in this life that just can't possibly be an accident, happenstance or coincidence....at least not to me.  
We spend our lives seeking "reunions".... Why?  Why do we long for childhood friends?  Friends when we were 5, 6 or 7 years old?  All we did then was play silly neighborhood night games, ride bikes, shoot BB guns, play dolls and build forts.... Why do those memories linger so strongly and seem to permeate our brains like permanent ink?  Why do we feel the ache inside at night when we try and sleep but our minds go back to those simple memories of those wonderful times, replaying the movie over and over, even though often, those simple things we did seem now so insignificant, but so powerful?  Why do these memories of people keep us up at night....we wonder what they might be doing now, would they still remember us?  Do they dream of me?.... I find myself doing this often as if I am secretly wishing for a fantasticial "peter pan" moment to go back and do it all over again......

What is the longing (saudade) that we feel?  Why are good-byes so hard?  Think about it.... once in a while we do end up finding a childhood friend, seeing someone from high school all over again and in 5 minutes we have "caught" up.... simple, sweet, there is nothing more except a reminder that, "yes indeed", this person does exist, that we did do those things and that it was good.  Why does 'seeing' that person(s) have to be so much part of the deal.  Does seeing them make the memories different?  Probably not because they are what they are....But seeing the person, actually making that "contact"......the mutual look in the eye.... the silent but knowing feeling inside that we are briefly....all that we were before, that does seem to keep the memories alive and it validates that they were so great after all..  

I have learned that sometimes we think the magic is in the talking, the conversing.... maybe sometimes it is for some.  But for me, there is a security and comfort that comes from knowing that the connection we have emotionally doesn't necessarily require 

words......that the space where the  magic  happens is not what we say, not even reliving

 the stories from yesteryear, but just that silent knowing that we are still connected... that we feel the same way, that we are.....yes, still friends even though we haven't talked for years.  I have literally experienced my well being completely filled with just one knowing connected glance....that is all I needed, in fact, it was all that we both needed.  

One odd thing that can happen, is when the reunion goes too long.... when that one extra day you thought would be awesome to extend the connection in the end actually didn't help after all.... The realization that maybe it didn't need to go that far, that deep all over again....  Just because you were best friends "then" doesn't mean you still are now... does that make sense?  I have played that game and lost... meaning, I have found myself thinking, hoping even believing that the reunion must mean something more now for the future.... when it really doesn't.  It wasn't about changing the future, it was more about remembering enough about the past, which in turn validates the present, which then allows one to move forward.....and to allow them to do the same with no obligation of some new expectations.  This hurts when it happens, but mostly we do it to ourselves....

Can I just say that I have had my fair share of these experiences..... Nothing makes me feel more alive, more relevant, more real than anything else.  It is as literal a thing then anything else I know  to remember who I am in those moments.  No wonder I find myself really secretly loving reunions of all kinds.  Why wouldn't I want to seek that out and feel as often as possible?

So, being a guy that has spent his life saying "goodbye" to friends all over the world, I relish now the fact that I have a lifetime to pursue "reunions" of all kinds.  The pain then... of saying goodbye, it balanced now with connecting with each one that I know now.  The hot tears of separation are replaced with warm tears of joy. 

Maybe I am not alone in this world after all

I don't know if I need religion to believe this because I wonder if all people don't feel this way in some form or fashion.... maybe not as I have explained it, but in their own way.... but I do love the fact that my religion does support my feelings about "Reunions".  In fact, it presents this idea that we were all together before we ever came to this earth.  That we were connected first "then", so that one day, we would be re-connected all again "later".  Is it out of the realm of reason to think this could be true given that during this life we feel so compelled to "Reunion-ize" so much and so often?  It is possible that the feelings of belonging and yearning to be with others came with me as I was born to this earth... that they aren't temporary, fleeting and insignificant?  Rather that they are part of me and part of my discovery and journey here is to seek those out that can help me be my best self, whether that was a 2nd grade side kick or just a work colleague or those few that somehow completely understand me in ways that even my family may not.

So, I don't know about you, but for me....yes, I will choose to yearn for reunions with my friends as long as I am able.  Some will be sooner than others.  Ultimately I look forward to that one last final reunion that I believe binds us all together beautifully and eternally.  You know who you are... you are so important to me, I cannot even properly express my love for you....let me just say that:

 I needed you "then"       I need you "now"          and I will need you "later"

You are my Friend

My cup runneth over...

This is my brother Roland

There is a a special place in my heart for him

He taught me how to forgive....

During a very dark time in my life, I had to 

apologize to him for something I had done 

that tarnished our family's name

This is what he said:

"Aaron....it never happened"

Simple, pure and forever piercing...

Never had words struck the heart of this soul so deeply

I have never forgotten that example or lesson 

I have tried to train myself to do the same as he

hoping that maybe someone else might feel the same refreshing spiritual cascade of 

the waterfall of renewal as I did

bringing light to a place where there was only darkness...

Last December he learned he had stage 3 lung cancer

I Googled the essentials......my heart sank with each passing statistic

I found myself with only one option

Pray in a way that I had never done before

I did...

God was in the room with me this time

and so I wrestled with Him like never before

 I didn't leave anything on the field

I understood for the first time in my life what it meant to be someone's 

ADVOCATE

Meanwhile Roland and his family prepared battle plans
They fought fear and won

They patiently persisted with faith

sharply focused.....beautiful in execution

Never had such news struck my heart so deeply
the gratitude that I felt was intense and overflowing...

Simple, pure and forever piercing

Psalm 23:5  

Catch you on the flipside.....

This was the last photo taken of us as a family 3 days before we dropped off Landon at the Missionary Training Center for him to begin his 2 year journey to serve his Heavenly Father as a full-time missionary.

It was a Sunday and everything was perfect.  Family was there.... from brand spankin' new babies to grandparents.  We had friends from out of town, friends from "in" town.
Landon gave a farewell address in Church and it was very special.  He probably had 100 friends come to hear him speak.  They all came over to the house afterwards for food and talk.  One of my favorite things in all the world... all the people I love together, socializing without looking at the clock.

After the last guests left, we took a number of family pictures.  It was great.  This one turned out especially nice and captured the feeling of love we had in our hearts all day.

We then tried hard to spend the next few precious days squeezing all we could out of each spending as much time as possible with Landon.  It was wonderful.  Wednesday did finally come....

.......after many tears and lumps in the throat, he picked up his bags and did a 180 degree turn and went straight forward not looking back...... as it should be.

We had a silent trip home... our minds and hearts were full, but we weren't quite ready to talk about things..... it was a good hurt, a good silence, a good quiet reflection.....

I have been looking at this photo every day since... It reminds me that there is more than just me.  There is "us".  We are together, we are a unit.  And when one isn't there, we aren't quite right.  That helps me a great deal.  We aren't perfect, far from it.  We are full of different opinions, personalities, feelings and don't see eye to eye on many things.  We hurt each other at times, we don't anticipate needs, we miss opportunities to encourage and praise each other.  We can get lost in the world of selfishness, we all do it..... at the end of the day, that is ok.  We overcome all those things by being together and keeping our collective eyes on the same goals.  I never knew how hard it would be do to do that. Unbelievably hard.  It takes more work than anything else I have ever done.  And the funny thing is that I am only now, so late in the game learning just how hard it really is.  It is the right kind of hard work that every family should face front on.

How do I balance what I need with what my family needs?  I don't know.... I am trying to figure that out now.  All I know is that when I do lose myself in the needs of others, I seem to do better than when I don't.

Landon has inspired me.... he is thriving out there doing his new gig.  It helps me to focus and drive myself to better thoughts, better actions.  I want to be my best self as a result.  I need to be my best self for the rest of the family.

I have said goodbye to people I love my entire life....across many countries.  I find myself doing it still...it never has stopped "hurting good".  A blessed agony.  I normally just tell people that I will see them again so it really isn't a goodbye.  I do believe that in my heart.

So... to all of my friends and loved ones......and Landon for the next little while.... I will catch you on the flipside!!  Keep flying high and spread those wings.  Fly high in the clouds as a family....find ways to bring them along.  They might not fly like you do or as well, but bring them in close and never let go.....

Ate ja (see you soon)

Beautiful Lie....

Do you ever fall in love with a song and you don't know why?  Maybe it was the mood you were in... maybe it was the lyrics, maybe it was the particular tune......then later, sometimes much later some thing in your life occurs and all of a sudden the song completely transforms into something much more meaningful....  It all makes sense in an instant....  This is one of many..... I don't expect you to understand at all.  But wanted to share regardless.....

Please listen to music while reading the lyrics:

 A Beautiful Lie - Yoav

Yesterday, today, tomorrowFade away like frozen photographsRemember, forgetThe stakes, the ways you takeThe ways you make the moments pass
Forever regret, I tell a beautiful lieAnd I would die if you find outI tell a beautiful lieEvery time that I did not open up my mouth
All the same, it’s a game, it’s a play, it’s a warIt’s a shame that we’re always fighting forI don’t mean to cast no blameI don’t intend to pretendI can never loved you more
But in the blink of an eyeEverything you ever knew can changeAnd it’s a beautiful lieIf you think everything will always stay the same
Babe, my babeYou got a secret, it’s starting to showMy babe, sweet ladyHow long can you keep it?How far would you go?
You tell a beautiful lieYou tell a beautiful lieAnd it’s going toIt’s going to drive you crazy
Babe, my babeIt’s starting to showMy babe, sweet babeHow far would you go, go, goTo tell a beautiful
Yesterday, today, tomorrowFade away like frozen photographsRemember, forget, forever lie, lie, lieBeautiful lie, yeah

All I know is I would go very far....to the end, and I will.

The Call.....

It starts from the heart and ends with the heart.... It comes only to a few, who have been qualified and chosen from the beginnings of time... The call beckons the soul as no other invitation in all the worlds... It cannot come unless the heart desires it.  It will remain dormant, on the shelf until the next heart summons it...  It is always ready, always prompt, always present.  

There is no other magic in all the world than when a call connects with a ready heart.  It stirs the soul to such a degree that the heart actually changes... it is never the same, it cannot be for it will never only look inward again... it now looks outward... to others.  It yearns to connect with others now... making lasting changes in lives for all eternity.... It is the first mighty love affair that this young heart will experience....  it begins to know how to mourn with those that mourn, to know how to empathize with others in deep and meaningful ways... so meaningful that the thought of pain and suffering of others begins to bring one to their knees for the first time....  Others pain becomes your pain... you embrace it, you feel it as real as you can, so that you can learn how to love others completely and unconditionally.

Is there a more powerful call than that of a missionary? There is something so unique about giving up everything for 2 years to solely learn how to align with what Jesus would do if He were here.

When Jesus invited a few fishermen to come follow Him.... they didn't know what was in store for them.  But He knew who they were, He knew their hearts. They just knew their hearts told them to follow....and that was enough.

It starts with desire... God grants men unto the desires of their hearts.  That can lead to good or bad things, or in His words, salvation or destruction. He can't make us feel anything that we don't choose to feel first ourselves.  He doesn't plant desire in our hearts, He can only "inspire" us to want to learn of Him, to be like Him, to serve others in His behalf....

So.... when an 18 year old learns that for the first time ever, that they can now serve a year earlier than expected, and in 5 seconds looks inside themselves....pause, then immediately recognize the absolute surety of their response:  "YES!  I am going!".  Well, that can send shivers of joy down a Father's spine and spirit.  To see your son go from 0 - 100 in just a few seconds says a lot about his heart, what his values are and who is really is.  Especially since there is always a choice... he doesn't have to go, he could wait, get a year of school under his belt... have a bit more fun before going.  There are a million reasons not to go at all, at least twice as many to wait just a year, and yet, to immediately "jump" at the first chance...!! Well, that is special.

They throw their name in a big "hat".... they have no idea what will come out... They fantasize about where they can go, where they think it would be cool to go... they always worry about going to "Idaho"!  In the end, they go wherever they are asked to go, no questions, no worries... they just "go".  
Then, it comes... that long awaited letter... they have never known anticipation like this... they open the long awaited letter....The transformation occurs instantaneously...They immediately begin loving the people of that place.  It suddenly becomes the greatest city, country and land in all the world!!!  Surely there has never been such a grander place then that of their 'call'....  

Those new people begin to work their way into your heart... they don't know you and you don't know them... it doesn't matter... the feelings start to creep in and distill like the dews of Heaven... there is no hope for this 18 year old!  Their hearts start beating faster and faster... they feel new things that they didn't know they could ever feel... what they don't know is that their hearts will perfectly expand to the exact size of the country they serve.  Their hearts can feel and fill the needs of every single person who lives within that domain... No one is beyond their reach even though they cannot reach each one.... their reach will be enough.... to touch those that need to be touched and the world will never be the same for both....forever.

Note in my "lunchbox...."

So... a couple of nights ago, my daughter, Alexa (12) asks me "hey, do you use your latpop"  I replied "uh.. yeah" wondering at the question.... then she quipped quickly "the one in your work bag you use everyday right?"   Once more I said, "yup".  That was it... nothing more.  But my "spidey sense" was tingling a bit, but was numbed by the late hour and the fact I was a bit more focused on finishing the brownie I was eating....

Next day... I get to work, pull out my laptop and open it up to find this envelope sitting there which totally took me by surprise!  

I notice the gargantuan mouths she has drawn below the tiny eyes of each image and begin to laugh.... This is going to be a good day!  This is a first for me, to get something like this from her other than father's day...so I am feeling pretty excited. 

I open it up... begin reading....I find the familiar rhythm of her matter-of-fact style of getting to the point.  She hopes I have "fun" at work because she is going to have a horribly "boring" day at school.... as if to say:  "Fine Dad, you go have "fun" while I spend a day of pure misery standing in line at the DMV".  She has that twist wry wit that seems beyond her years, but she has been honing it since she left the womb!

Then she throws the unsuspecting curve ball.... she says that she wants to share with me her favorite scripture and hopes that it will help me.  The reference is Doctrine and Covenants 121: 7-8.  She says that it has helped her through some tough times that she has had......  wow.... This is no small thing.

I pulled out the scriptures and read the passages:

7 My son, ^apeace be unto thy soul; thine ^badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a ^csmall moment;

 8 And then, if thou ^aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy ^bfoes.

I was really taken back... I wasn't expecting something that would make me ponder about what she might be going through..... but that is what I did....I rewound the tape.... what could I be missing?....What challenges was she facing that I wasn't aware of?  I caught myself yet once again, realizing that I wasn't nearly aware of her little life and all she was experiencing.   I have come to feel so grateful for these little reminders in my life about my kids.  There is no way for a parent to cover all the bases... and to think that she would share this with me, something so personal and spiritual really touched my heart.  

Lessons learned:  

Everyone has problems, challenges and trials.... even a 12 year old 7th grader with crazy red hair.  Not everyone learns the lessons however.... fewer even find the greater purpose in them.  Alexa did this day.  She grew up like 10 years in one moment... in just a few words she made my spirit grow as well.  It was like I had to now see her more as a grown up, not a little girl anymore.  She was sharing important life altering experiences... amazing!  How blessed am I to be a recipient of something so special.... I was glowing the whole day!  She is my last, our 'baby', hmm.... not sure I am looking forward to our last growing up so fast... inevitable, but still so hard to accept.... I love you Alexa Chelta Brown... you are an inspiration to me!  Thank you for enduring your trials so well and learning how important it is to share them with others.....

..... God will exalt thee on high...

Sadness

I need to feel strong.... but I don't know how.

Everything about today was different, more like....."not right".  There was no flow, no familiarity, no consistency.

I "brushed" by everything as if I wasn't really there, just my empty body, no spirit, no soul.....no Aaron.

Unpleasantness clung to me like cobwebs....

Everywhere I looked today I saw things pulling me down.  I feel sadness way down deep... the kind that is beyond tears.... I feel I should be crying but it seems to easy .  People very close to me are suffering and I find myself without.... empty handed like a handcuffed bystander... my screams are muffled, no one can hear, like a bad dream.

....And yet, I cannot despair, or else all is lost, even hope.  And that I will not let go of.......

........ no matter what.