Screaming on Father's Day

Edward Munch's painting is as iconic as the Mona Lisa except it is its opposite.  Many say it is a visualization of humanity's angst and describes an intense feeling of apprehension, anxiety, or inner turmoil.

The scream descended upon me today, ironically of all day's.... Father's Day.  It came heavy and with much weight.  Much like Munch's work, it distorted my reality.  It came with little warning and it came at night.  By the end of it, I had my head in my hands, deeply unsettled, deeply disturbed and feeling absolutely horrible about myself.  

I might form a small hope of possible recovery if I had only committed a few wrongs, but what do I do when a lifetime of calculated manipulation is tagged to my soul?  When the anger pointed at me is so severe that there is no light left to shine on anything of worth, only my betrayal, manipulation, deceit and resentment. There must be some truth, so I dig....

What kind of person could be the cause of such negative words?  I can only rewind the tape a thousand times and see all the mistakes made.  As the hours of reflection drone on endlessly, there are a ton of them, in fact, I see them racking up with each day I review....I see only failures.... failures of such magnitude that there is no sense of hope of reconciliation.  The hurt I caused is unforgivable for sure. How could there be any room for a change of heart?  Not after what I have done.  It would be better to be buried beneath a mountain, and even that wouldn't be enough.  No, I don't deserve that.... what I deserve is violence.  Yes! that is the rightful punishment for my sins.  Not with hands, no, that wouldn't cause enough pain......Elbows are much more effective tools I am told. 

Doesn't violence normally set the world right again? 

History has shown it to be so.  Those who profess peace, harmony and acceptance with all often are disguised as ravenous wolves underneath that false facade.  They are justified in their violence because there is only their truth, their way.  If challenged, there is no dialogue, just removal.  Why? Because hurt goes only one way, not two.  But, this is different....What if one of the parties has broken total trust?  What if the manipulation was intentional, diabolical and full of resentment over a lifetime?  Wouldn't that justify violence?  It must.

I can only sit with the screaming, waiting for the pound of flesh to bring relief.....to both of us.

I will take it, elbow after elbow until there is no face left... disfigured, unrecognizable.  I just hope I will be able to muster a smile knowing that at least one of us will be reconciled..... I just wonder which one of us it will be.

PS: I should apologize for being so dramatic and pathetic, but that would be manipulative so I won't.