Mom

Hi Mom,

It's been a while.  But your birthday was just here and I found some time to sit back and think about you. 

I went to this portrait Roland was inspired to draw you the morning you passed into the next life.  I love looking at you.  I see so many of your grandkids in your countenance. 

I like to think that your asthma was bothering you too much back then.  You had all the energy of a dancing sprite would need to have.  I think about where you have fixed your gaze.  It must be a place of light because that is where your spirit always was--in Light, even when you weren't always surrounded by it, it was what always brought you back.

I miss your expressiveness.  I miss watching you look at others and feeling so many strong feelings.  I miss when you would put the edge of your bic pen up against your bottom lip when you were deep in thought.  I miss how you would wipe your mouth quickly with both hands before giving a kiss... even if there wasn't anything there to wipe away.  Always ready to hug, to love and to encourage and support.....No matter what.  

I miss our talks.  You were always so easy to share with.  You listened......You often fumbled for answers, thinking you needed to always have the right ones, but you were a beautiful listener.  

I miss going to McDonalds and always getting most of your fries!  You loved the Filet-o'fish.  It because of you I still get those once in a while. And just like you, I still get a little splotch of tartar sauce on me somewhere.

I miss hearing your stories of how you grew up and how fond you were of your Dad. 

I miss coming home--where ever that was, from college to spend time with you and Dad.  I felt as comfortable hanging out with you than any of my friends.  Going shopping, meeting new people that you liked so much.  Watching great shows and playing games.  You made it hard to want to go back... I always wanted to linger.....

I was thinking about if you were here today what would life be like?  There are some things that would blow your mind.  The mass success of your posterity is mind numbing.  Dad could barely take it in before he left.  I think you must be in awe even now looking down.  While I thought there would be so many wonderful things about you being here I was reminded of what state you might be in and I can't see anything good with that.  I secretly always hoped you wouldn't have to find your amazing spontaneous soul being confined by the confounding corrosive disease that you spent your entire life trying to ignore and conquer.  I don't know if I would be a terrible person to think that it was a tender mercy of God to take you when He did.  Was it too early?  Yes, for sure.  Would I have wanted many more years?  Yes, to see and know my incredible kids..... yet, I hesitate because that is the selfish me wanting that.  To believe that you are still part of all of our lives brings me enormous peach of mind.  In some ways, I feel that you are able to enjoy them even more without the debilitating demon of a partner that you had causing you to always wonder when you might be fighting for your next breath.

I am grateful to have had one small moment with you since then.... You know what I am talking about too... I will never forget that day.   I  hold that experience so dear to my heart.  It was enough to give me a glimpse into who you really are.  The person I knew here wasn't everything I thought you were after all.  You are strong, confident, full of spirit and even keeled in knowing who you are.  You are busy doing good.  

You were a great Mom and always will be.  You enabled me to be the person I am becoming.  I couldn't have reached where I am without you.  No way....  

Keep smiling Mom, keep teaching, keep watching over us....  We need you more than ever!

Happy birthday!