Is it possible to be both at the same time?
I can only say when this happens it isn't a good illustration of "hurts good" which I have often used as a recurring theme through posts I have written.
I have reflected so much recently on why we hurt the ones we love. Sometimes I think it because we think we found love. Sometimes we push the ones we love away because we’re scared. We’re scared that our feelings are too big of an investment, love is too big of an investment. We’re afraid of putting more in than we get out, we’re afraid of giving everything, and ending up with nothing. But that’s what happens when you think you’ve found love, you take that risk. Sometimes it works in your favor. Sometimes you end up in your own happily ever after. Sometimes you don’t. So, we push others away, and at times to the tippy edge of a massive cliff.
Maybe we push the ones we love away because we don’t know what we want. We convince ourselves that we want what we think everyone else wants for us. We like to want the things that make sense, the things that follow logical timelines and hit sensible benchmarks. We want to be responsible and put-together. We want our parents to talk about us and say we’re doing well. We want to talk to our friends and be able to sound like we know where we’re going. But we don't always have a sense of direction......we don't always know which way to go, and we can’t let anyone else choose that for us. Figuring it out can be so lonely, but it doesn't have to be that way. I think that is what friends are for. We have each other. We don’t have to push the ones we love away because of life’s uncertainties. If one thing is certain, it’s the love between us. But fear can make us believe that no one will understand...ever or that one doesn't really love the other one after all. We can prop up incorrect belief windows regarding why people do things that they do. We don't know their motives, as they are typically not voiced or seen, we only see the shadow reflection of behaviors. Behaviors do send messages. Active ones and apparently passive ones too.
We push the ones we love away because we think we don’t deserve them. We wonder if they want more, if they deserve more. They’re too wonderful to settle. They’re too wonderful in every way, and we wonder ‘why would someone like them ever want to share a life with someone like me?‘ We push the ones we love away because we’re scared we’re not good enough. Will we make them happy? Can we make them happy? Will this life, a life together, make them happy? And if not, then what? What happens when the person you love isn’t their best when they’re with you? What happens when you think they’d be a better person without you?
We push the ones we love away because we’re terrified that our love isn’t enough to keep us together, and sometimes it’s not. Not all love is forever, but that doesn’t mean it was never real. Real love can be temporary. It can happen in a whirlwind that feels like the greatest chaos you’ve ever experienced. It can happen like a dream, what felt like hours, was only really seconds. It can come into your life as quickly as it leaves.
So we push each other away sometimes.... out to the outer limits. Sometimes it is a test, to see if the love is real or "fake". What if the real test is to see if the push was real or "fake"? Do we really want to make someone leave if they don't want to? Let’s allow them to stay. Let’s allow love to just be.... and see if we can find each other where we can, not on conditional terms.
Unconditional love is what Christ taught through every interaction in his life. He didn't care about status, race, gender, timeframes or situations - He didn't put boundaries, limits or tests on love. He never started with "if they, then I will...." love just flowed purely. He asked the Father to forgive his torturers as "they know not what they do". What kind of mercy is that? Unbelievable. Can we do that? You and I are not Christ, and we find ourselves painfully bereft at times of the ability we need to be able to do that with each other. And so with our collective insecurities, doubts, and idiosyncrasies, we blunder along life hitting a batting avg. of hopefully at least .500 when it comes to hurting each other, but maybe we miss a lot more than that.
I pray and hope I will always be as merciful as I can and extend as much grace as I can to those who I know are so special but might actually wrong me, maybe even unintentionally. I hope and pray that others might extend that to me. I will never survive without it and yet, I realize it might be too much to ask.... and if the hurt is beyond repair, then I stand ashamed and chastened forever because there is no repentance or forgiveness in the equation to reconcile the wrongdoing.
I have wronged much in my life and will continue to do so. I hope I can forgive myself for all of them. I more than hope you can forgive me too. I wouldn't want you to carry an unnecessary burden either unless you are convinced you shouldn't.
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