There are no words to describe the different emotions that swirled like a twister inside me that day. It would have not have been so hard if we hadn't had the type of previous year that we had with her... Of all the years of my life, this would rank in the top 3. Spending time with McKenna was truly an exquisite experience and memory that I will cherish with all of my heart forever.
Seniors aren't supposed to have time for family, much less parents... Everything about them is about not being home.... in fact it is very much about leaving home as soon as possible. It is all about not being seen or embarrassed by parents, complaining about them, hating the curfews, resenting being asked "how was your night?" Not for McKenna... she loved being home, at least she made us feel that way, and she seemed to genuinely be interested in spending time with us.... there were so many special times when she was engaged in finding out about me personally, about my work, about parenting, about me and my hopes and dreams. Spending so much time with Mom really helping her think about and solving problems. Letting us both in.....what a blessing. All I really know is that I do not know how, in all the big wide world we were so blessed and fortunate to have her come to us, be part of our family, to inspire us every single day.
Yes, it would have been easier if she had been the normal high schooler -- into herself, boy crazy, can't-wait-to-get-out-of-here girl, because then maybe I would have even had a slight urge to see her "move on" if you know what I mean.... She took an entirely different but beautiful route.
Let me put it this way.... when she said,
"Dad.... do you just want to come to college with me?"
I really didn't need to hear anything else.......ever! She immediately leaped into my personal Hall of Fame. Game over, strike me down now, take me I am ready.....Seriously?? Who is she?
The week before I was already feeling the loss.... it was very deep and it hurt like all get out. The day before I was doing all kinds of things to keep me distracted... then the day came. At first I decided I wouldn't go all the way down, rather just catch her half way at work, give her a hug and then let it be that.... they stopped by, I JUMPED into the car and said "I am not missing this for anything." Best decision I have made in a while.
We got her all fixed up, went and got groceries, set up her printer and laptop, put everything away, then we walked out to the car to say good bye. She pulled out letters for Mom and me. I knew I would not be able to even read it for at least a day.
We hugged....yep... you know the kind... the one where spirit hugs spirit... way beyond body.
The ache started amidst the happy parting words.... it lingered until I found the courage to read her letter.... So powerful. So rich, so beautiful, so grateful....
.........for the unbearable burn of hurting good.
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