Why is Change so Hard?

Let's face it... change is hard.  It really is.   The fact is change hits all of us every day in a myriad of different ways and waves. Most of the time it is painful.

Do you typically feel that when you experience change, it usually feels like something happened "to" you vs. "for "you? 

Especially if the change wasn't something you were the author of rather the victim of....

What seems so ironic to me is that everything we know about change is that it is inevitable in all aspects of our lives, yet, we typically resist change when it occurs.  I find the tension between the absolute primal need humans seem to have to progress and grow and the incredible resistance that is so often propped up by those same humans to prevent change from happening so fascinating.

Although I have my own unique point of view, all of us are subject matter experts when it comes to change due to the fact that change is so elemental to the fabric of our lives.    As a guy who moved constantly from country to country growing up, the proverbial pool I swam in was a constant churn of change--new people, new schools, new cultures, new languages, new customs, new sounds and smells......  Although I was taught to view change as a positive thing, I developed a particular perspective that taught me 3 key lessons:

1.  Change is almost ALWAYS personal

2.  Change is almost ALWAYS emotional

3.  Change is almost ALWAYS messy

Because at least in my experience these 3 things always happen, I have come to appreciate better why so many people struggle with change, even when self-inflicted or self-produced.  It is because when these 3 things happen the next thing almost always happens:

R E S I S T A N C E 

We resist change like crazy for the most part.  What is so crazy interesting to me is that we, in certain roles have no empathy for this principle yet in other roles we totally do.  Let me try to explain:

As managers, parents or teachers we initiate change all the time.  We introduce it to our children or our employees constantly.  And yet when they seem to "resist" or "not obey" we grow impatient and often frustrated because they don't comply as quickly as we would like.   On the other hand, in our other roles of being children, siblings, employees or students and experience the receiving end of change we resist just as much!   

 In other words, It is ok if I make my kids' life crazy and expect them to be happy with change I introduce, but then at work it is completely ok for me to be very defensive, non-cooperative and resistant to changes that occur if I don't agree with them.

How many times did we as parents inform our kids about a new change -- (ie Moving the family back from NY to Utah) and expect them to be totally fine with the idea.  We couldn't seem to understand why one would start crying, another would be screaming for joy, another would be totally silent and yet another was saying "ok" on the outside, but was dying on the inside.  Then we would get emotional and try all the wrong messages to quickly corral them into the barn of "happiness" in order to make ourselves feel good instead of helping them move through the idea.  This never happens to you right?

The key is that we are responsible for moving ourselves through change, no one else is.  Yep, it means we have to be "big" girls and boys and grow up.  Nothing reduces us to our true selves like change.  You want to check to see just how mature you really are take a big look into the change mirror and see how you react.  There is a very slippery slope of allowing yourself to become a "VICTIM" vs a "VICTOR" of change.  The deepness and wideness of the chasm is vastly different depending upon which perspective and attitude you choose to embrace.  Both are charged with emotion, but one can mire you in the dip of despair and takes a lot longer to move through vs the other where you muster the courage to face and move through change as quickly as possible.

By shifting our perspective just a bit, we can leverage change as a powerful influence in our own and others lives.  If we know these 3 things about change and then always remember that people resist change then we are armed with knowledge that we can use..... we need to manage our expectations knowing these dynamics.  We can prepare people more carefully, we can now be more patient because we now anticipate and expect resistance instead of secretly hoping that people will just simply be happy with changes that happen to them.  In other words, plan on these 3 things and just knowing that can make a significant difference.  It has for me.  We now involve our kids much differently so they are actually helping "design" the change vs. being the nail that waits for the parental hammer of change to eventually hit.  

The other really cool thing about knowing these dynamics and principles of change is that it is entirely OK to be emotional when change happens.  It is inevitable and very ok to feel whatever it is that is felt.  The issue is that we tend to place a value of "Good" or "Bad" to these varying emotions when change happens.  All emotions are ok during change.  There is no such thing as "Good" or "Bad" when it comes to these emotions.  They just are..... we can't put a value judgment on them just because we have stupid expectations of what they should be.  Knowing this and learning how to alter our expectations can be hugely helpful to us and them.

So, pausing for a sec.... do you agree?  Maybe with a few things....?  I am ok with that.  Think about the different changes in your life....... what did you feel?  For how long?  What got you through? Think about your different roles....  Can you see yourself in this picture?   I hope I can just reflect the mirror back on your for a moment in order to assess how mature you are in your journey of change.   

Do I have it all figured out?  No...but I can say that understanding these simple dynamics of change have made a world of difference for me and mine.  I have learned to embrace change.....to make it happen......to anticipate it......yes, even to love it.  I think it is the only thing that makes us grow and stretch in our lives.  Who wants to be "warm safe and dry" at the expense of growing and maturing into the people we are meant to be.  What a huge regret it would be if we look back and see what could have been if only we had modified our view just a hair differently with respect to change that we experience in our lives.   I love how it rips us out of comfort zones, mediocrity, staleness, complacency and stagnation and how it can open our eyes to new vistas, horizons and eternal progression....

....... So take some bite size steps today to help you through whatever pain change has brought you.  keep moving....and good luck!!

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance

-- Alan Watts