How it used to be

 CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags. Riding in the back of a truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Robin. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles and some firecrackers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really! We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays, We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in 1956. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Football had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bullies always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent unusual names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!  And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers, universities and the government regulated our lives for our own so-called good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Hopes

Not sure why I never posted this.....thought I would.  Brought back some good feels.

2013 began with many big ideas, lots of hope, and tons of energy.

Don't all years start that way?

Thank goodness for that.... I am not one that looks forward to ending a particular year so that somehow magically a new one rushes in to "save" me from what might have not gone that well with the last one.  I welcome all the years.  I am made from the results of all of them.  They are like pillars that line my past like a photo album.

There are those special hallmark years, however.... the few that stand out.  The ones wherein we remember, sometimes all too vividly....things..... where we were, what time of day it was, what we were wearing, who we were with, the exact moment, frozen forever in our memories. These are they that become tattooed to our souls.  They cannot be changed, forgotten or removed.

2013 was one such year:

We sent our first out into the world...ok, it was only Canada...that still counts right?  He left a vacancy I wasn't quite prepared for.  The loss is made up for by the work he is doing, which fulfills us all.   We are filled by the mission Landon is serving. It tastes a lot like the "living water" Christ speaks about.  The kind that makes you..... "thirst not".

Funny how hope or lack thereof can change our view of the world so quickly.  With it, we see no limits, everything is possible, we ask:  "What can't I do?".  Without it, we can barely see past a day, we wonder why we get up in the morning and we ask:  "Why should I get dressed?"

Hope is like fuel.  A big stash of wood that feeds a raging fire... it drives us. It makes us stretch.  It makes us do things we normally wouldn't do. It creates desire, momentum,
and speed. Hope makes us chase dreams.

Highlights:
1. Travis Wall and Amy dancing to "Wicked Game" on SYTYCD.  This was such an amazing performance and I will always remember how it brought out such emotion in me.

Amy and Travis

Army Strong

This little girl informed us that she just signed up for the Army today.  She is now officially a member of the armed forces hoping to be part of something much bigger than herself.  

I found this early picture of McKenna -- Look at her closely..... her eyes say it all!!!  They have always been steely and determined despite her good-natured personality.  She already looks as if she is standing at attention ready for her orders.....Fast forward a couple of years and there she is, standing at attention ready for anything!

When she called to share the details it was obvious how excited she was.  She is in the nursing program and has been flirting with the idea of signing up for a few years now.... this past weekend a wonderful recruiter closed the deal as stopped his booth during a campus visit to BYU's nursing program.  She spent the weekend at home, wanting to talk through everything.....McKenna was SO ready....  I didn't know what it could feel like, to have one of your kids join the military community.  I do now...  My heart is completely full and the great sense of pride is difficult to ignore.   Funny as it may seem,  I feel like saluting her every time I see her now.  It is truly an amazing feeling.

On the Army website one of the first pages shows this question.  It immediately hit me hard......

When she was just about 6 weeks old, a couple of weeks before her Grandmother passed, McKenna had a special blessing given to her by her father.  The first thing he did was to present this infant back to God, in a humble attitude of prayer, with her grandfather and uncles in a united circle with hands placed under her, supporting the packaged blanket she was wrapped up in.  So little, so new, so innocent...

Her name was given:  McKenna Lynn Brown.  a 3rd generation "Lynn" coming from her father and Grandfather, both present in that special circle.

The words that followed were unrehearsed, unpracticed, and unknown up until the second they slipped through his mouth and uttered in this prayer to God asking for His special blessing of this new little girl.  That she would grow up in the grace of His Son, with a desire to do good and to seek the best things in life.  A plea that she might have courage to face life's challenges and to be strong in her values and beliefs.  At one point, there was a pause, and his voice cracked filled with emotion feeling new and powerful words come to his mind so clearly.......

He blessed her that she might be a

  "warrior of righteousness that would battle against the adversary"

Odd words for a newborn baby girl? ...... maybe....maybe not.... I didn't know McKenna that well yet, but these words when they came to me, were like a revelation of light and like lightning that instantly struck my heart.  Somehow I knew in that instant that this was a girl that would fight fiercely throughout her life.  I didn't know to what extent or in what contexts, but I knew then, as I know now that she would be a quiet fighter, relentless and would overcome all that got in her way.  She has done it her whole life....

She has overcome physical battles: hundreds of soccer games, 2 ACL surgeries (Recoveries were worse), a couple of broken noses, a concussion.  She volunteered to go to Uruguay and learn a new language and champion a new culture and stand up for the poorest and humblest of folk, helping guide them towards Jesus Christ.  She wrestled with isolation, heat and in very close to the end of her time there, she suffered painful appendicitis in a small city that didn't have the best medical support, and still managed to fight to finish her mission as if nothing ever happened.

So... yes, "Army Strong" seems very fitting for McKenna.  She has become that warrior she was foreordained to be so many years ago.   If you knew her, you wouldn't first describe her that way, but as soon as you hear these words, you will nod your head vigorously knowing that it sums her spirit perfectly.

That young father.... older now, didn't fully know what those words really meant until today, when McKenna shared the news.  The instant emotion that came reminded me exactly of the same feelings I felt then, not understanding why those words came so powerfully but always wondering how they would play out in her life. McKenna has become a warrior for the depressed, downtrodden, feeble and those that ail in life.  She disdains fighting, but, you would not want to be on the wrong side of her if she needed to.

She is representing all of America now and I know in her heart she welcomes that burden willingly.  The Army just got better.....

I salute you Soldier

Taliesen West

This past President's holiday weekend McKenna and I decided to take a quick trip to get out of the cold Utah winter.  As usual, we basically looked up the warmest locations and narrowed the list.  We found ourselves on a night flight to Phoenix.  It was perfect.....!  73 degrees.

As we thought about what next steps I remembered that Taliesin West was actually out in the Scottsdale desert and I had never seen it.

Taliesin West is a most interesting part of FLW's story.... in 1930's, with his 3 piece suit and at 70 years of age, he picked a place literally in the desert on the brow of a mountainous hill far from any services at the time, which were scanty at best and with his small army of apprentices from all over the world and 37 vehicles of supplies he carved out a masterpiece in the desert called Taliesin West.  He was tired of cold Wisconsin winters and fell in love with the desert landscape environment of Arizona.  He experimented and created a most incredible community and home.  It still to this day attracts architects to its' offices hoping to further his philosophy of "Organic Architecture" which he is a pioneer of and as recently recognized continues to further his reach on how design should continue to shape the way people live.

We had a little time to kill before the tour so we immersed ourselves in the book store where we learned alot.  An amazing talent that really did change the way Americans and others live their lives.  If you ever have had a "great room" in your home, you can thank him for that design....  Who doesn't now?

He did things here that were unbelievable.....He used all the natural resources to build Taliesin West, and we got to tour it, touch it and sit in many of its rooms for a couple of hours.  Here are some pics because it is hard to describe.  You just have to experience it first hand

The square red box symbol showing intersecting lines in this picture is the brand logo for Taliesin West.  It as taken from an actual indian petroglyph that is still on the property signifying hands clasping.  It was so cool to see the original stone:

There is something quite extraordinary when you make the physical transition from the outside into the inside of one of his structures or rooms.  There is instant calm, perfect lighting, a sense of openness and even if there are 20 people in the room, it feels as if you could fit more....

He is a master of light and geometry among other talents.  Those two, in particular, are constantly at play.  He uses triangles everywhere, especially in places where the light will cast interesting shadows to cause interest and reflection.  He does this everywhere.....  

He mirrors the slant of a roof line with that of the backdrop of hills and plays with many interesting angles, even fireplaces in almost every room.

Everything about Taliesin West makes you want to linger, and not go.....  I felt similarly at Macchu Pichu, Borobodur, Mont St. Michel or Iguacu Falls.  Places where time seems to stop and the majesty and magic of nature combined with structure is perfect.    

How cool that there are 7 more now to see on this world heritage tour.  In a coming day, I will see the "one" that has been in my imagination forever -- Fallingwater.  The anticipation is growing, and I get pretty excited just thinking that it is within grasp like never before.  Surely I am blest....!

I wonder what Gibran would have written had he hung out here for a while... makes me wonder, mostly it makes me smile.  Being there has inspired me to write, and I can't even write very well.... imagine what it did for these enthusiastic aspiring architects...!  Wow, it must have been amazing to hear FLW teach as they ate dinner at 'camp' as he called it.

McKenna, we made a great memory together no? :  )   I will never forget...!

Desert Reflections

The landscape was stark and lifeless but bright, so bright it hurt the eyes.  So bright, yet nothing to see.... The Utah desert is incredibly varied.  Some parts have blistering white sand and azure blue skies. The bonneville salt flats.


Have you walked in the desert?  Movie scenes are conjured up in my mind from adolescent movies.  The one that sears the most is Lawrence of Arabia.  A powerful film that left a deep impression on me that included amazing desert scenes that I hadn't seen before.  

What I noticed most, but didn't understand at the time, was when Peter O' Toole decided to cross part of a desert that was supposedly impassable.  Somehow he made it, but almost died.   It enabled him to help conquer a particular coastal city as a result.  That journey though, changed him.

I tend to favor forests but deserts have a certain appeal.  They have hidden lessons....Many who have traveled them find them....I am reading about a family who traveled the desert wilderness for 8 years. A guy named Nephi tells most of the story.  Moses was another.  40 years wandering with thousands.... I guess it took longer for them to learn what they needed to. John the Baptist was raised in the desert.  He learned what he needed to..... and although I hesitate to mention so close to other biblical names....... but I must, Mad Max also learned a few things out there as well.....

 What is it about the desert?

“God takes everyone he loves through a desert. 

It is his cure for our wandering hearts, restlessly searching for a new Eden...

The best gift of the desert is God's presence... 

The protective love of the Shepherd gives me courage to face the interior journey.”

                                                                                                                         ― Paul E. Miller,

I find this fascinating.  The day this picture was taken I wasn't taking any spiritual journey, I wasn't doing a reflective retreat with a solo experience, rather I was taking some pictures of things that caught my inner eye.  I did feel it beckoning though..... The solace of being in the middle of a desert is an awesome thing to consider.

“The thing about tears is that they can be as quiet as a cloud floating across the desert sky.”

Do we have to go there?  Will I know the time and place?

I have been to the desert.  Many times.  I believe this quote.  I believe it is one of the things we each must do in life is traverse our own wilderness and personal desert.  There are lessons that can only be learned there.  It is supposed to be solitary, strange, soulful and scarce.  

“I shivered in those
solitudes
when I heard
the voice
of
the salt
in the desert.”
― Pablo Neruda

One of my all-time favorite books is "The Little Prince."  The entire story practically takes place in the desert.  We get an inside glimpse of a most remarkable person who finds his way, and more importantly, we find such deep life meaning with a simple plane crash (reminiscent of the "English Patient" themes) in the desert with just a few interactions this solitary figure experiences.  Reading it again makes me wonder if it was just a dream--just lovely hallucinations, yet I know in my heart the lessons are absolutely real.

“I have always loved the desert. One sits down on a desert sand dune, sees nothing, hears nothing. Yet through the silence, something throbs, and gleams...”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

It creates a certain kind of vulnerability where we are stripped of all things and we are laid bare in our essence to our creator.  It is a purifying walk.  No one can help us.  It is the ultimate solo gig.  If you haven't traveled across your internal desert yet, you will. I believe it comes to all of us.  I think some of my own are traveling it now.... they may not know it, but it has occurred to me.  I can sense it.  I am anxious to see how they come out on the other side.  Is it ok for me to hope they find God there?  I am praying they will, as I know I have....


“But in the desert, in the pure clean atmosphere, in the silence – there you can find yourself. And unless you begin to know yourself, how can you even begin to search for God?”
― Father Dioscuros

If you are in your desert right now...May you find, after experiencing the rough grist of wind-whipped sand, the strength to carry on with the clarity,  peace, and purpose that you need to look forward with new light and new eyes.

Soccer: The Glue that Binds the World

“And one fine day the goddess of the wind kisses the foot of man, that mistreated, scorned foot, and from that kiss the soccer idol is born. He is born in a straw crib in a tin-roofed shack and he enters the world clinging to a ball.”

I wouldn't expect most to fully appreciate the poetic depth of emotion this quote can stir up with one simple reading.  I know for sure the person who wrote it did completely understand.

I grew up with many soccer heros:  Pele, Zico, Beckenbaeur, Maradonna, Rivelino, CRonaldo, Ronaldinho etc... Most of them were rags to riches stories which just made for better lore and storytelling. 

I don't know the first time I saw a soccer ball or when I first kicked one.  I know it was pretty early on in my life.  What I do know is that soccer was part of my life not because of any singular choice.  Soccer found me.  Because of my global nomadic life, I was exposed to the one common component of every culture I lived in -- Soccer.  You cannot live overseas without Soccer messing with your life.  You can try to resist, but it is difficult.  You will probably end up losing that fight.  Somehow its' indelible impact will find you..... Not such a bad thing.....

I thought I knew soccer after living in Colombia and Indonesia.  No, I didn't.... Not even close.  I wasn't aware at that time that there actually was a 'Mecca' for soccer.  That place is Brazil.  A place where soccer is so deeply woven into the fabric of its culture and people it is more like blood than anything else.  It isn't common, it isn't plain.  It is spiritual and the absolute heartbeat and soul of that nation.  I learned this after living in Brazil for 4 years and experiencing a World Cup with one of Brazil's all-time best teams (1982)  It was exhilarating and an experience I will never forget.

“Soccer isn't the same as Bach or Buddhism. But it is often more deeply felt than religion, and just as much a part of the community's fabric, a repository of traditions.”

Why would someone say this about a sport?

All the countries I lived in were passionate about soccer.  No matter where we traveled or visited, soccer was there.  It is the ultimate poor man's sport.  How many times did I see barefoot little kids kicking a handmade ball -- sometimes just wadded up pieces of paper, kicked around in the dirt, no field, no grass, no goals.  Just huge smiles and fun.....No kid was ever happier! 

Soccer, I realized, is the great connector of people, no matter what nationality, what language, what religion, political party or color a team was.  Even now, I see it do things that no other mechanism can.  It is right up there next to the Olympics. The World Cup is the single most significant phenomenon that brings the world together.  It is the glue that binds the people in fierce solidarity for just a few weeks every 4 years.  Although I was really never a player, it became part of me, my thinking, my world orientation.  The feeling I get when a soccer game comes on will never change.  Butterflies and excitement and often it doesn't matter if I know the teams or not......(I do get extra jazzed when Brazil is playing)

Some may say this is a disease, mental health dysfunction.  It probably is....  I brought that disease into my home and blatantly exposed it to all of my family, especially the kids.  I took no thought for their welfare or interest.  It wasn't a choice, it wasn't their decision, I unloaded it on them like a dump truck.  I really never thought that there would be interest in anything else.  I was completely selfish and thoughtless..... he he!  It worked....

Let's fast forward..... after early exposure and ensuring the 'infection' had sufficiently spread across each kids lives, after hundreds of practices, games, and traveling to tournaments all across the west coast, after a combined 12 years of high school and even more with club, last Wednesday night we got to see 3 of the 4 play together, on the same BYU Intramural team.  It was a late 10pm game on a "school night".  The three of them had figured out a way to create a team that they could all play on.

We were the only nerded out parents there....yelling and cheering like we always did.  Each one of them scored which made it especially fun. Several of their friends were there to watch.  It was awesome, each of the kids' friends met each others friends, some for the first time.....  There were about a dozen kids there.

So, what is the big deal?  Surely I am overplaying the proud parent song.

I didn't think much more of it until the drive home.... my mind started to do its reflective thing.  I was literally feeling this pure joy inside and I knew and felt it was more than just one more soccer game in the vast endless sea of soccer games.

It occurred to me that I have 3 kids together at college and they associate a lot with each other.  They love soccer so much that they want to keep playing it.  It was soccer that enabled them to have an experience of playing and associating together as siblings and to bring together a team, once again, even years after high school.  In fact, it was the first time these 3 played together in a competitive environment.  How cool was that... it hit me hard.  It wasn't just so fun that they crushed the other team and that each of them actually scored, it was something more....

The fact that they wanted to play together was not lost on me.  It was terribly gratifying.  The fact they wanted us to come and do our silly yelling stuff on the sidelines was satisfying.  They invited a bunch of their friends to come and watch as well. It was so cool to see the friend group all meet each other.  That was an unexpected side note.  Not only did it unite our family, but their friends as well.

Cool....

These were good kids too.... good enough to want to come at 10pm and watch them.  Kids that we got to meet and see how they interact with our kids.  Part of that pure joy I was feeling on the way home was knowing that they were surrounded by very good people.  People that shared the same values and that cared for them.  I felt so grateful to God for being able to see and feel that.  I am not sure they know that I pray every day that each of them will be surrounded by people that will lift them and that they can help serve too.  This night they made a memory together that they will remember.... One that I will remember for sure.....Who know's maybe they might even tell their kids about it one day....  How back in the day, they all played together on the same soccer team at the same College.  That is very special and meaningful to me.

Then, later, as I went to bed, these thoughts and feelings lingering, it came to me as it has before.... that little ball... that simple soccer ball once again, all these years later, brought us all together.  Just like it binds all Brazilians on a national scale, the world on a global scale, that same ball bound our family together late on a Wednesday night for a simple but special game.  So many smiles, laughter, new friendships made. And, they all played so well too. They contributed individually and they won collectively. In the end, We won, and what I couldn't ignore was that Soccer won too.

Congrats Landon, McKenna and Alexa on a most excellent game.  The score will be forgotten but I will always remember how I felt seeing you play and being with your friends...

It was simple, it was slight.... but fun, beautiful and we loved it.

Let that ball bring us together again soon......

Doorways

I have been thinking a lot about doors recently.....

I am not sure why, but I have taken photos of doors on almost all my worldly travels.  Not alot of them, but ones that catch my eye and make me wonder.....

What is it about a simple door that creates such a compelling interest for discovery and adventure?

If I walk by a wall I am not nearly as interested in learning what is on the other side compared to the delicious feeling of excitement when faced with a door.  It creates an impression and often an emotion.  One may judge an entire house or structure simply from its doors.

It is as if the door must be opened.....that I must see what is there.  But then I think, what if I do see, will I be disappointed?  Will it be less than what I expect? Will the mystery that my mind has conjured up wither away? 

I find myself hesitating.... Maybe it is best to be patient, to pull back my hand as it reaches out to open the despite the strength of its beckoning.  Ah! so hard to resist.....

Doors are so suggestive to me.  Especially old weathered ones.  They seem very wise like an old man would be.  Patient, watching, full of life's lessons to share, but waiting for the right moment to do so.

What is most profound to me of all, aside from the romantic allure of yesteryear's ancient tales, is that they represent transition..... Passage, from one place to another..... The stories thus could tell of personal treks and travels.  In many mythologies, doors often symbolize the passage from one world to another.  Aren't our lives actually a sequence of a multitude of doors?

At first glance, the most obvious tales would be of physical journeys of moving from location to another. Could they also be a metaphor for spiritual ones as well? ...  Just like physical locations can be different from one side to another, could we become different spiritually because of specific doors we have passed through?   I am believer.... I think I have become something different not only because of the amazing physical places doors have enabled me to visit, but also spiritually.  These doors have changed my vision, my mind, how I see the world, others....myself and ultimately God.

There have been times in my life when I found that extra gear, to be extremely conscious about coming home everyday from work, trying so hard to make that mental shift, to leave behind the grist and grime of the world's troubles and work's worries before I ever stepped into the most important door of my life.... the one to my house where the most important things in the world are found.... my family. That door.... represents that first important step, that first thought, that first word, that first gesture, that first expression that has the potential to totally change the trajectory of the mood, tone and spirit of my home.  Finding the willingness to empty my mind of everything and making a 180 degree turn, calling upon Heaven for a little help, and then seeing how that simple, subtle change inside can change everything for everyone inside!!   This has been too fleeting in my life.... I hope I can find this again.....I need help.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

Yes, I love doors!  They will continue to mystify me and fill me with visions of adventure and fantasy.....That I hope never changes.  Some have been opened by others, some by chance, often by choice.  Some have been rocky, some have been smooth. Sometimes I have learned the lessons, sometimes I haven't.  Through all of them I have encountered the best of people that could possibly exist.  They have all left indelible fingerprints on me forever.  I am grateful for all of them.

Regardless, at the end of the day...... I love the spiritual doors the best.  I haven't always understood some of these journeys and therefore haven't always valued them as much as I should have. While many doors seem so shiny, exciting and alluring, almost impossible to ignore, these spiritual ones look different.  At first glance, they often look dull, plain and bland at first glance. But, upon further review and with different eyes once passed through, they are the golden ones that make our hearts hurt good, hard tears to flow and our souls fill, quenched with living water....  They fill us to the brim in unexplainable permanent ways.

He leaves us all with this simple invitation:

"I am the door.  If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture."

I can't speak for you, but I could use a little pasture in my life.....maybe you are looking for that too?

Twilight in D.C.

It was a Saturday, at twilight.  We hadn't seen the WWII Memorial before.  It seemed fitting.  The temperature was perfect. 

As I walked around the fountain and listened to the noise of falling water I was drawn to a panel of many gold stars – each representing 100 lives lost.  I read carved in granite quotes from past Presidents and I looked at each column representing each state of the Union.  I thought about how young these men and women would have been, giving their lives so that I could be in a safe country, where I could worship freely and enjoy a standard of living that is almost unparalleled among all nations.  I started to feel the familiar lump start to form.  I looked to my left and saw the Washington Monument tall, straight, reaching up piercing through the sky as if looking for truth.  And then I looked just past it and in the distance and saw the enormous stately dome of the capital.  I turned and looked down the opposite direction across a very long peaceful span of water leading to the Lincoln Memorial.  The lump got bigger and started to rise in my throat.  

We made the long walk down along the reflecting pond of still water taking and arrived at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial.  We climbed the steps looking furtively for a glimpse of the man sitting up there, between the pillars… that noble and honorable man that gave his life believing in a set of principles that this country was founded on. 

We walked in...and looked at the enormous statue and the quiet powerful gaze from his eyes that pointed all the way down across the mall.  I read the Gettysburg address carved into the wall.  I looked up at his face, wondering what he might be thinking......  We went out and sat on the steps with hundreds of others from all over the world.  I took it all in.The lump turned into water and I felt warmth in my chest as I remembered what an amazing country this is that  I live in, that I belong to.  What a wondrous site this capital is, for all the world to see as a beacon.  I felt inspired and stirred to patriotism in a way that I haven’t recalled for many years.  I was grateful for the men and women who enabled that feeling who had passed on.  I looked around me and to my left were some Italians, behind me Arabs and to my right French.....I wondered what their experience might be.  Was it wrong for me to hope that despite the current political climate that they too might be inspired? What would they say when they went home?  McKenna and I lingered there on the steps, soaking in all the people around us, watching them enjoying the beautiful night.  We didn't need to say much, because we both were having our own experience remembering.   I remembered that while I felt like a global citizen and always will, at my core I was American.  That meant something and I needed to be reminded of what that was.  A set of principles and ideals that were grounded in belief of God, freedom and liberty.  It was a poignant night filled with many emotions.  I was glad McKenna was there.  It made it all the sweeter.

The full orange moon rose in the sky next the Washington Monument as we walked back in the night.

It was like remembering who I was..... and it felt right.

The Glorious Aching

Hola Papi!  Como vai andando....?  Tem sido um ano que voce decidiu partir daqui pra fazer um passeio com sua querida Jennie. 

Hi Dad!  How's it going....?  It's been a year since you decided to leave here and take a walk with your sweet Jennie.  I spent the day thinking about you.... It was profoundly quiet and yet so full of incredible memories.....

It isn't the same without you, but I bet Mom felt the same way for a lot longer... I know who is going to win that battle for sure... I couldn't be happier for you!

I have a couple of images that I carry around with me of you: One is this picture of Don Quixote.  I read part of his story today stopping often to picture how you would react to different parts of this beloved story you identified with so much.   I thought I saw your smile and heard your familiar laughter.  That was pretty fun to experience again.  I re-read "Or I'll Dress You in Mourning" and found you all over the place.   I wish I had talked to you more about that book and what it meant to you.  I know it was deep and you connected with Cordobes' plight in a personal way.  I believe it is your deep empathy of the "underdog".  I have looked at underdogs with a different perspective since you parted and I hope that I feel what you may have as you so often rooted in their behalf with great hope for anyone that found themselves resembling or fully wearing that title.

I miss you..... terribly!

How grateful I am for.....the early Saturday morning trips to the AERA Club to play tennis all morning in Jakarta.  Often, it was just you me driving in that huge station wagon in the early gray mornings.  I loved watching you play even before I knew how.....What was at least as much fun was listening to you socialize in the clubhouse with all the people in between matches.  Your wit made the time pass so well for all.  I remember the crazy spins you would make on the court completely driving people crazy... I think you loved that even more than winning!

Those early days shaped my own love for tennis. Remember later in Brasilia, when we would make those late night runs to the Embassy courts where we would play for hours?  Saturdays there were even funner because I got to play with you... How many doubles matches did we play?  Many!  How lucky was I...?  Completely!

I miss the lazy Sunday afternoons in Monterrey when you would get on the piano, which was rare and play your own special versions of chord progressions and turn them into sonatas and etudes extraordinaire!

I loved being around you... you didn't say much often, but there were those long deep drinking sessions where you would reveal everything and a new universe opened up to me.  To get a peek into your heart and mind was so special to me.  Normally the only way there was through your poems.  But I will treasure forever the you and me late niters that were like drinking from a deep cold clear well of water.

Today I thought of you and thirsted mightily again.... Oh! The need for another long drink with you is so strong I can feel it.  I know you would if you could.  I will close my eyes and pretend that you are right here, quietly and knowingly listening to all the contents of my heart and then with great kindness watch you blow the chaff away.... leaving only that which is bright and pure to shine light and your particular brand of big picture perspective into my life, reminding me how I should see things and consider others.

....I just want you to know that you will always be so close by to me.  I lean into you often and I know you know that.  I appreciate your help when things get hard here.  I feel you close and it means a lot.

Maybe I can find you in the woods for a stroll one day.  I know a place..... Not sure if you will be there, but I will try.  I will let you know so you can put in your calendar ok?

I miss you Dad.  The aching continues.... and will always burn in the very best of ways.  It is certainly glorious....


Much love and affection,
Aaronius Maximus, your 5th

Trigonometry and Trisonomy 21

It was early Saturday morning.....I had just jumped on McKenna's bed to wake her up!  She was already awake, as if just waiting for the right catalyst to the next adventure.  We decided to go see Landon's and Alexa's BYU intramural soccer games.  Both of them were on teams in the playoffs.  I hadn't seen a game all season so this seemed like a perfect time to go.

We arrived and they were both there in the huge indoor football arena on campus.  Sitting with them was Andrew, a young man of 14 that Landon tutors.  Andrew has Down's syndrome.  When Landon first met Andrew he wasn't sure if he was up for a sustained part-time tutoring gig.  Andrew's parents, knowing how hard it was to find people that would care enough and that would that would stick with Andrew over time, asked Landon if he would tutor Andrew. A year and a half later, Landon is still there, as always for Andrew.  Landon has forged a wonderful relationship with him and has a number of really special experiences with him.

This was my first time meeting "Drew" and he shook my hand and sat back down in the cross legged position on the soft green artificial turf.  He didn't say anything.  He had a BYU tank top and athletic shorts on with white socks pulled up and slip on deck shoes.  He had a well worn, shredded nerf football in his hands.  He was sweet and pretty quiet, but his eyes and ears were active!

The kids were excited we came to see them play.  Landon's team played first and did really well.  He scored 3 times and they ended up crushing the other team.  It was super fun to see him play with such enthusiasm and fun.  Alexa's team was next.  They were in a higher division and had some awesome players.  They played a hard fought game and came out on top 2-0.  Both games reminded me of the years of practice they went through as kids, through high school and club.  The repetitive drills of passing and ball handling techniques.  

Soccer is a game of angles and the relationships they create.  In fact, one might say that it is a game of trigonometry.  That subject that seemed so elusive to my non-mathematical high school mind made for a beautiful game (jogo bonito) when applied to a real life application.  It was beautiful to watch the angles play out with feet and ball like an choreographed dance.

What was most interesting however wasn't the soccer games we came to see.  It was watching all 3 kids interact with Drew throughout the time we were there.  One of the first things Alexa said to me quietly was how cute he was.  McKenna couldn't resist and found herself throwing the football back and forth with him.  He could really throw a spiral--amazing!  Lexi joined in several times.  It was simple enough but then it seemed to trigger these 30 yard spontaneous sprints he would make.  His legs all gangly and awkward but his face intense and focused as if he was running an Olympic 100 yd dash! He would stop, and then do it again.  He was his own person for sure, but it was evident though that his interactions with the kids would prompt a variety of spontaneous activities in him.  Landon, who knows him best would get him so excited and run around and play with him.  Throwing for sure won the day as top activity, but he mentioned that Andrew was in a really good mood.  I watched the kids the whole time, the small things they would do.  Each of them, without talking, without a plan, would simply find ways to connect with him.  I noticed one time when McKenna sat down cross-legged once and taught him a "patty cake" type hand clapping game.  He would get embarrassed and put his face down over his legs to hide for a while.  He would then show us how he could stretch and be so flexible and limber.  It was his body was made of rubber.  He would do all these poses with different angles.  Pretty amazing.

It didn't hit me until later, that there was another application of trigonometry -- Because he has this one extra chromosone called Trisonomy 21, his body is free from tight tendons and muscles that keep you and I a bit more rigid.  Andrew's body can do all kinds of trigonometry that you and I cannot. We watched the unusual angles he produced and marveled what he could do.

What got me emotional though, was watching the care and love each of my kids had for Andrew through their interactions with him.  It just seemed to flow from them.  I really didn't remember teaching them anything specific about this, but early contact with a cousin with similar "gifts" certainly shaped their feelings.  They had profound respect for his limitations and could laugh and enjoy the trigonometry he could create.  Not just the angles of his body, but the relationship of the "angles" and connections he created with each of the kids, because of one little miniscule chromosone.  They wanted him to be happy and were willing to take the time to spend with him, for him.  Not for anyone to see.  It revealed their hearts to me.  I was so inspired.  I felt that familiar warmth creep up from inside and felt the emotion rise in my heart and eyes.  They threw the ball back and forth, they ran races together, talked with him, and tried to engage with him throughout the time we were there. 

I thought of the countless hours Landon has now spent with Andrew over the past year and a half wondered all the things he has learned from him.  I learned a lot in a few hours watching and interacting with Andrew.  I learned about him, about my kids and a little bit about myself.  Mostly though I learned another little lesson about how scientific things like Trigonometry and Trisonomy 21 have meaningful application to our lives and can find a way to make more room in our hearts for things we do not understand.

While many might not consider one extra chromosone a gift from God, when seen through a different perspective, that one small add can make all the difference in the world.  Trisonomy 21, packaged just right, and perfectly placed with the right person, can change the trajectory of the heart.... of at least three people that I know.  I wonder how many others Drew has changed and influenced.  
What myriad of angles has he orchestrated in his own "jogo bonito" or beautiful life that has inspired understanding,  patience, love and many other virtues in others.  

I cannot say what happens in that beautifully quiet and misunderstood mind of his, but I would not be surprised if he isn't really just here to help us re-imagine the trigonometry of our own lives so that we create the more meaningful angles or connections to others.  Life is a game of angles and the relationships they create....

....Yes, I thought I came to watch a couple of soccer games.... I did....But that isn't what I will remember.  I will remember how I felt.... a little bit closer to heaven and I thank Drew for bringing out the best in me and my kids.  One day he will know if he doesn't somehow already.

.....Maybe I will have to re-think the whole "I hate Math" thing--Trigonometry is pretty cool after all.....