No Bueno.
When I was 12, do I remember not feeling so confident? For sure... Did I not fit in with the cool groups? Correct, I did not. Did I wonder what others thought? Yes, and I didn't probably take compliments well as I didn't know it was ok to accept them without seeming egoistic. I was on the smaller side of humanness and do remember being self conscious. But, I gotta say, despite all that stereotypical drama and fuss, I loved that time. I am probably out of my mind, and yet I do remember those years very fondly.
They were so defining to me, they brought such clarity...
When I was 12, I remember clearly so much of that time frame. I felt like I soaked in everything, I watched people, I watched what I didn't like and I watched what I did... I began to identify with those differences. Those experiences and interactions of Jr. High totally helped shape very quickly who I thought I was, and who I might want to become.
When I was 12, I remember really clearly defining what pretty was.... like creating my own Webster's definition of the term. What defined pretty wasn't words, but names, names of girls. Girls who I admired, looked up to, thought were so smart and so grown up. I remember for the first time in my life realizing that some girls were pretty, but I didn't like them and all of a sudden they weren't as pretty any more. Others, that seemed more plain, less talked about by my friends, became more pretty as I got to see them on the inside and how they acted and carried themselves. Funny how that worked.... I didnt' understand why, but it went like that for me.... did it for you?
When I was 12, I started to figure out why I liked certain people for the first time other than liking them because my parents did. It was an extraordinary time to have these awakenings and early insights. I watched what people did, I listened to what they said, I soaked in a lot without knowing I was doing that. I then found myself thinking a lot about why people did the things they did.
When I was 12, I didn't know it, but I needed this rich diversity of cultures and nationalities to help me define who I wanted to be. Intetersting I needed to see a lot of what I didn't want to be as much as what I did want to be in others..... I couldn't have done it without them or those experiences.
When I was 12, I had no idea if anyone would notice, or remember me. Everything I did was about getting noticed each day, at each party, in each conversation, during each class, with each love note written, ... it was more about a series of living in moments than laying down tracks for the future. No one thought about that, at least I didn't. The longest I thought about the future was maybe several weeks, maybe a couple of months at best. Everything was about "now"! Maybe that is why it is still such a vibrant memory for me to this day..... Each day was like a mini-liftetime because each day was "it".
When I was 12, I did hate leaving my friends. I felt their loss when they moved away. It was intense. I sincerely thought I would never see them ever again. The way we lived overseas made sure of that.... it was an age before technology and social media knew how to fill those gaps. The inevitability and permanent probability of never seeing good friends again caused a lot of ache inside despite the continual reocurrence this cycle had in my life. It really never got better, I think I just became more numb.... but it did cause those moments to be super tight -- meaning, I squeezed the most out the ones I was dealt. This made a difference later.... that investment paid great dividends later.... much later!!
When I was not 12 anymore, I started finding people and they started finding me... Can I possibly explain how important that was for me? Probably not very well.... What has been so beautiful is that many that I thought I didn't want to be like, surprised me! Others, were the opposite. So interesting to see how all these lives unfolded like long roots flowing out from that center place of being 12 all together. To see the different directions their choices had led them was fascinating. What was the best of all is that almost in every case, each friend was still the same... they were still that 12 year old kid at the end of the day. There was the instant familiarity, the feeling of knowing, the sense of community and immediate understanding and empathy causing an euphoria of emotion and joy. Despite the stark differences that had taken place, there was that beautiful balm of universal understanding and feeling of "remembering who we were" in an instant!
When I am 112, I will still look back and find the times when you and I were 12 to be some of the most important in all my life. Yes, they were awkward and painful.... But I wouldn't trade them.
Thank you for being 12 with me then and staying 12 now and hopefully remaining 12 forever. Can you do that? Your fingerprints are all over me, your influence lingers, and I could never have become me without you being 12.
S'il vous plaît restez 12 ans pour toujours....!
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