Growing up

I have never been that great about the idea of growing up.  I don't recall ever wanting to be big or an adult.  I exerted a lot of effort to resist that unyielding hand of life's clock.  I always thought staying young was the best way for me to make sense out of my life.

As the saying goes...
"You can pay now or pay later"
I believe in that slogan.  It is very very true.  Deciding to almost always pay later has played out in my life.  Despite adept rationalization, the mirror eventually comes out and no matter how long you keep your eyes squeezed together, they eventually peek open, and the truth shines in.  What you do about that afterwards..... well, that is all about growing up.

Have you ever had the experience of making the right decision but finding out it led you to the wrong path?

At first glance it doesn't seem to make sense.... making the right choice should lead to the right path,  right?  You would think that most healthy adults wouldn't get this wrong.....

Several years ago someone close shared with me a story called "The Wrong Road".   The basic premise is, sometimes the fastest most effective way to find the right path is to take the wrong one temporarily....

This story was different than most and I immediately made a connection with it but wasn't sure why...... meaning, didn't seem to make sense intellectually, yet emotionally I felt the power of the principle it taught, but I couldn't say that I related to it through personal experience.   I knew it was profound then..... what I didn't know was how real it was going to get for me in a very personal way.

I recently made a decision to position my career on a different trajectory.  It was an intentional accelerated path intended to get to higher status, more prestige, enhanced reputation, more money and more longer-term security. Opportunities unfolded right before me.  The architecture of the plan felt natural, at times inspired and full of promise.  It had tradeoffs for sure, but when one is in design mode and just "drawing" cool fluffy models and concepts on paper those tradeoffs seem.....  dimmer and less likely to happen....

I involved all the right stakeholders; my family, friends, wife and Heaven.  My enthusiasm was high and probably influenced some of them for sure.  But I thought I was "even keeled" in my approach.  I thought I was making a very "Grown up" decision.  Oh yeah, I was putting on my big boy pants.

This plan was a lot about me and wasn't that entirely considerate of my family.  (Yeah... that is sounding more and more grown up......) I would be leaving them,  moving to San Francisco and then monthly coming back to visit for a long weekend for some period of time until with the planned possibility of moving out there.  Lot's of unknowns, but the first steps seemed solid enough to move forward.

So I set off....I was going to show the world that confident and ambitious man that I had grown into...

It didn't take long.  Intentional isolation from loved ones quickly lost its' glossy gleam.  What looked so good on paper, was....... not, in practice. The shiny golden apple looked more like rust.

I started to look around and felt pretty small..... pretty alone.... pretty much not grown up at all......

I felt drawn to the only place that seemed comfortable.......this particular mat next to my bed where my knees seemed to fit pretty well.   I knew it was of high quality because my knees could stay there a lot longer than normal without discomfort.

Funny how silly man must look to God at times.....I resisted the feeling of self pity, and began an earnest dialogue...... it felt great, so long overdue.   There was much to be thankful for, but there were a lot of questions I now had.

The answers were interesting.  I didn't expect them.  But as they surfaced I did recognize them.  I saw myself in them.  I had to face the fact that I was not really leading a life of faith, but rather, one where I had believed in faith, but wasn't making decisions by faith.  Totally giving up what I thought was best and placing my trust that God did know what was best.  I started to see pretty big holes in this beautifully architected plan of mine.  All the holes reminded me of the 14 year old that was still lingering in me.  I had to grow up....the time had come.

1.  The first clue was pretty glaring and potentially embarrassing to admit.     "Aaron, go back to your family"     I had started reading the Book of Mormon all over again and in the first few verses of the first few chapters there was great counsel given to a family to stay together and not to split up.
I was in a position where I purposefully isolated myself from my family.   I was in a horrible position to go "back"after moving away and just starting the coolest new job.  The overwhelming temptation was to rake myself over the coals and begin the comfortable self-berating and loathing process of feeling like I had messed up, that I was stupid and spiritually tone deaf!   I resisted..... in fact, I can say that I refused to go to that old familiar and unhelpful place.  I found a new place.  A place where my head let my heart learn.  A place of no judgement, no rationalization, just truth and acceptance as if I just came across a new little nugget of data that made sense so I accepted it for what it was.  Nothing more, nothing less...... "Aaron, go back to your family."    My feet grew a few sizes into the shoes I needed to wear.

2.  The second clue of the emerging deconstruction was about where my plan was pointed.  I had rationalized that new found fame and fortune would enable me to serve family and God somehow better in the future with the realization of this plan.    I kept reading the scriptures.  2 Nephi 28:31   helped shine a mirror on me that I wasn't sure I was ready to see.   There were several passages that kept referring to "Pride."  Every time I heard it something inside said "listen...."   The unraveling came and clarity surfaced......   Everything about my plan was about me, what I wanted which then I assumed would be what God wanted too.  I assumed it was what my family wanted.  It made sense, it wasn't inherently "bad", but what it wasn't........was.......God's plan.   This was all about me figuring everything out and then taking action.  Nothing wrong with "acting" vs being "acted upon", it was what I had always been taught about taking initiative and leading out proactively.  Taking ownership and responsibility. Specific scriptures were like sharp swords that cut me like a thousand ribbons..... not the proactive part, but the "me, me, me" part.

When you take the 'me' out of your life you look around and have to figure out where you can find foundation and a sense of purpose........ That mat by the bed become precious to me as the long days wore on.    I knelt differently each time now.... I was asking different questions.  What did He want?  What were His priorities for me?  How could I help Him with those?   The short answer come back as ...... "Faith".

So, taking the wrong road is a great way to be exposed to the principle of faith.  But, for me the road to understanding had to start with deconstructing and removing my pride.

Getting rid of pride is like stripping wallpaper off of a 1940's home.....  Not easy, not fun, and often made me feel like quitting.  For the first time in my life I let the mirror show just how much pride I had built up despite my flimsy attempts at rationalizing my behavior.    I was able to see the reflection very clearly and immediately could see what was getting in the way.  I continued to reject the reflex to castigate myself for being so "bad".  I knew I wasn't a bad person, but had to not let myself feel that way.  I just took it in the gut, got back up and started waking a different direction, leaving whatever I thought I needed to do behind.  Those first few steps is where faith really plays out....  Only then did I start to understand what living by faith meant... it was not having the answers, not knowing and really learning to trust that God loved me in a very different way.... in a way that would never let me go astray or fall if I just gave my life what I thought was important over to Him.  I had heard that principle my entire life, I had heard so many people talk about it happening to them, but I had to be honest.... I don't think I had ever really experienced it until now, at least not in a meaningful way.  Only now did I start to see what growing up really meant.

I quit the so called dream job, came back to my family, miraculously some temporary work surfaced, the prospect of new employment is real and unsure, but I feel continue to feel calm and peace and know things will work out if I can keep my pointing right.

there is more.... more deconstruction, more unraveling more new insights related other aspects of my personal life and relationships, but I will stop here.  This is plenty.

So, not sure if any of this would make sense to anyone else, but I share it as it has been so impactful on my life and person.  I have no counsel, no wisdom, no lessons here.  I belief every person needs to be deconstructed so they can be built back up to their full potential. The only way to is figure out how to get out of our own way, and have some sense that there is someone like God that can help.

It was a beautiful thing to watch my kids grow into their respective shoes so well.  They seemed to get it better, more clearly and willingly than I. In so many ways they are more grown up than I will ever be....

I pray you are much wiser than me.  That you learn these lessons sooner than I did.
The wholeness of my admiration is for you who have learned to fill those shoes so well.  I thank you for your example of living by faith each day.

You have grown up so beautifully and it shows....