My Precious

 

Is it wrong to hope that at the end of things, that there might be new beginnings?  I don't know, but even if there aren't, maybe it is ok if there is simply just an end...... to some things.   

The End, full stop, enough, zero, no mas!....  It would have to mean that there is a place, where there might be a large iron door that could be opened and all the emotions of pain, hurt and suffering could be shoved in, and slowly but surely, we would swing that heavy door shut.

Would that be enough?  Would that do the trick?  What would we do with ourselves if we couldn't nurse the delicious taste of dissatisfaction in our soul any longer?  If we couldn't stare at the statue of justification that we had sculpted so meticulously?  What would replace the familiar bitter taste of beautiful bile that we so carefully marinated and now seems so sweet over time?  What if we didn't have that little horrible secret place where we could lick our wounds and hear our addicted selves say......."My precious" over and over again as we consider our stockpile of hurt?

Could we recognize what was left?  Would we like that new person in the mirror?  How unfamiliar would they seem?  What do we replace all that angst with? 

What if we realized that what we thought the end was, was not to be, in the end after all?  What would that realization feel like? I can already imagine the fear and angst that would create in the pit of my stomach?  Why wasn't it enough to empty it all and shut the door?  

How often do we find ourselves dangling our ring of power over the fires of Mt Doom, unable to ultimately let go?  Ah!  I never thought that would mean something so real to me.  Tolkien understood me better than I thought.

Ending can be as hard as beginning something new.  Ending always incurs some loss...  The idea of leaving something behind isn't always blissful.  Often, it is necessary.  We aren't supposed to like it.  It is more about willingness than ableness, although many say that they just can't forget.... they can forgive, but not forget.  In other words, they can't drop their ring either...Easy to say, hard to do.

May we become more accepting of the person that is left after we close that door.  Let's welcome them back with patience and care and smile at them in the mirror once again.

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us"

I Didn't Know

 

You must have been struggling by yourself, feeling so lonely.  You couldn't even tell anyone that you were having a hard time.  I didn't know you were in pain.  

I'm sorry I didn't notice it.

I will forever regret that

6 Weeks

 

It was 6 weeks and some change.  6 amazing weeks.  A small moment in the grand scheme of things for sure, but so wonderfully big regardless.  It was late summer, so that was fitting.... An ending of a season and an introduction to another.   Chelta was in Atlanta for 6 weeks of flight attendant school, so it was just the two us. 

Never had I spent 6 entire weeks alone with any of the kids.  So, this was special.  I didn't have a plan other than I knew that I would try my hardest to be at her beckon call as much as I possibly could. If there were any time in her life that I was not going to miss it was during these 6 weeks.  

It was definitely not a normal summer.  I never asked her but she might have said it was her worst summer ever. Had I gone through what she did, it would have been the worst for sure.  For me, it was a surreal and ambiguous time. We played it by ear one day at a time.  I never knew what each day would yield.  What I did know was that Alexa was forced into deep introspection of her life.  Achingly deep.  I wouldn't say she was lost, but maybe a bit 'untethered' for a little while.  Winnie the Pooh's probably said it best:

“I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.”― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

However lost she might have been, she never forgot who she was.  She has made a career out of that.  Maybe it was more like finding her footing in some shifting sand that caused her to tread a bit more carefully.   Her world got seriously rocked without warning and knocked the emotional breath out of her.  It may have even chipped a tooth or so... Yes, it was a pretty violent gale.  As the sky darkened and the heavens poured out the heavy rain upon her you never would have thought that Love was at the heart of that thunderstorm.

"When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to

him,

Though the sword hidden among his

pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in

him,

Though his voice may shatter your

dreams as the north wind lays waste the

garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he

crucify you. Even as he is for your

growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and

caresses your tenderest branches that

quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and

shake them in their clinging to the earth."

Gibran, The Prophet

Yes.... Alexa was shaken to her roots and she didn't know what to cling to.  So, what could I do?..... Well, not a lot.  So I started watching her carefully.  I tried seeing inside her trying to see where she was.  I tried not to say very much and I began to witness the remarkable way she started to handle the aftermath of that storm. No raincoat, no umbrella, no shelter......Just sheer will and some help from Heaven.

I watched her rise up, move forward step-by-step, solid, but slow.  She needed to chart her own path towards better weather, a new beginning, renewal of spirit and soul.  I am not sure what point on the horizon she picked, but she found something, and with sheer force of will, managed to forge a new route out of that troubled place.  

It was one of the only times in my life that I could maybe take care of her for a bit.  She has always been independent, but she let me in and we had some wonderful moments of interdependence.  And when I say take care of her, I mean I would check in with her and see how she was doing.  She didn't need much more than that, but it seemed like that was the lifeline we both needed to know each other was ok.

I didn't always know what to do or say so sometimes taking care of her meant not talking, just listening to music or sitting watching something on TV or just being.  She helped me learn the meaning of one of our favorite songs:  

"You say it best, when you say nothing at all"

I remember diving more deeply into the meaning of the term "Sitting with someone in grief."  There isn't a perfect google search or handbook answer for that, but it is best learned through doing it.  I haven't always known how to do that.  I felt like figuring out how to do that might be the best balm of healing I could offer.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

I will always remember the healing power of the many indoor soccer games she had multiple times a week, always at night.  Nothing delighted me more than to get that one text of the day -- "I have a game tonight if you want to come."  She will never know of the many tears that came to my eyes when I got those.  They were like little life lines being thrown out for me to grab onto something solid.  I loved driving down to Provo to watch her play. 

I witnessed an increased toughness in her attitude and play on the pitch.  She took more chances, anticipated what the other players were doing, and played super smart soccer.  She was more aggressive and didn't shy away from contact.  I won't know what was going on inside of her head, But I liked it!  It was really fun to watch her lift herself up and out of the rain and find success where she could.  It was so important to find things that were in her control, things that felt familiar.  She found a new place to live, made new friends, reached out to old ones and started serving others.  I couldn't be more impressed with the way she shaped each day, carefully and simply.  I am sure there were very emotional draining moments that I never saw that she experienced in quiet behind closed doors.  Regardless, they never got the best of her.  Each passing day she got stronger.  We would get snacks and laugh about little things. it was beautiful...... to me.

It was if each week represented a a milestone of growth.  Every week was like a new pillar of strength that she set in the ground.  By the end she had 6 of them anchored on each side of the new road she was paving.  They were like mighty mile markers to chart her progression from old to new.....from past to promise...... from fear to hope.  That is what I will remember about those 6 weeks.  The little spaces where we could be together, in unity, taking each day at a time watching those pillars rise high.

“You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”— Christopher Robin

Near the end, the best moments were when she laughed.  Just like in the photo above.  That is Alexa right there.... full of light, full of quiet determination, full of wanting to laugh each day.   I wonder what those 6 weeks will end up meaning to her.  They were everything to me.  It was fleeting as time often is... playing it normal tricks on us, making some moments last forever and then in the next second everything flashing by like a speeding train. 

I have thought about those 6 weeks often this past year.  It was like a perfect chapter in her book of life that I got to watch her write.  How lucky was I?  As the last week neared the end I had this thought come to me quickly... "This would never happen again".  I would never have 6 weeks like this again.  I felt this terrible pang of knowing and already felt the saudade rise in my chest.  It hurt and I smiled at the same time.  Difficult to explain, but yet Winnie once again seems to understand so well:

“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

—Winnie the Pooh

I would never wish what caused those 6 weeks on anyone.  No, that would be cruel.  But, if that particular thunderstorm comes your way, and you find yourself with the prospect of a speck of time like I did, I hope you have an amazing ride too...and if you do, please let me know so that we can share some thoughts that no one else will ever understand.  I would love to acknowledge your wonder as you do mine..... 

Alexa..... You won you know....You did it!  You did this thing called life perfectly.  You are amazing to me.  If I could frame those texts during those 6 weeks I would.  Just know they are hanging in my hall of fame.  I will never forget our 6 weeks.

 “The most important thing is, even when we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.” — Winnie the Pooh

Screaming on Father's Day

Edward Munch's painting is as iconic as the Mona Lisa except it is its opposite.  Many say it is a visualization of humanity's angst and describes an intense feeling of apprehension, anxiety, or inner turmoil.

The scream descended upon me today, ironically of all day's.... Father's Day.  It came heavy and with much weight.  Much like Munch's work, it distorted my reality.  It came with little warning and it came at night.  By the end of it, I had my head in my hands, deeply unsettled, deeply disturbed and feeling absolutely horrible about myself.  

I might form a small hope of possible recovery if I had only committed a few wrongs, but what do I do when a lifetime of calculated manipulation is tagged to my soul?  When the anger pointed at me is so severe that there is no light left to shine on anything of worth, only my betrayal, manipulation, deceit and resentment. There must be some truth, so I dig....

What kind of person could be the cause of such negative words?  I can only rewind the tape a thousand times and see all the mistakes made.  As the hours of reflection drone on endlessly, there are a ton of them, in fact, I see them racking up with each day I review....I see only failures.... failures of such magnitude that there is no sense of hope of reconciliation.  The hurt I caused is unforgivable for sure. How could there be any room for a change of heart?  Not after what I have done.  It would be better to be buried beneath a mountain, and even that wouldn't be enough.  No, I don't deserve that.... what I deserve is violence.  Yes! that is the rightful punishment for my sins.  Not with hands, no, that wouldn't cause enough pain......Elbows are much more effective tools I am told. 

Doesn't violence normally set the world right again? 

History has shown it to be so.  Those who profess peace, harmony and acceptance with all often are disguised as ravenous wolves underneath that false facade.  They are justified in their violence because there is only their truth, their way.  If challenged, there is no dialogue, just removal.  Why? Because hurt goes only one way, not two.  But, this is different....What if one of the parties has broken total trust?  What if the manipulation was intentional, diabolical and full of resentment over a lifetime?  Wouldn't that justify violence?  It must.

I can only sit with the screaming, waiting for the pound of flesh to bring relief.....to both of us.

I will take it, elbow after elbow until there is no face left... disfigured, unrecognizable.  I just hope I will be able to muster a smile knowing that at least one of us will be reconciled..... I just wonder which one of us it will be.

PS: I should apologize for being so dramatic and pathetic, but that would be manipulative so I won't.

 

The Magic You are Looking For....

 What would your reaction be, if you heard this.....

The Magic you are looking for...

is in the work you are avoiding...

I would love to to have seen your face in real-time, in person, ao vivo!  I would have like to have seen you think for a minute as the words sunk in... As they found the right places in your mind and heart.  I would have loved to have seen your expression the moment it all made sense, in a flash instant.  Do you experience the sudden knowing like I did?  Or, did you have to reflect longer, maybe a day later when the haunting words that couldn't escape you finally landed.  

It if took longer I bet it was because you knew exactly what it meant... you knew that it hit the spot, the core of what makes you tick.....or not.  It hit that place that you have kept covered, spent time hiding, or tried to avoid all this time.  Or maybe, in your case, it was something dormant or unknown until these few key words shed light and were the keys to discovery, just like a light shining on something new you weren't aware of until now....

Or has it been many days now that you haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  Or is this going to be just one more quote from a million of others that pass through quickly and land in the landfill of all old quotes? One that you can't quite remember years later but somehow still has a flicker of familiarity?

If you find it lingers, you have my interest.  You have my curiosity.... I am dying to know what your work might be....I think about what it might be.....something dark, something light, something lost, something found, something painful, something joyous, something spiritual, something worldly, something desperate, something peaceful.

As for me, Wow....this gobsmacked me something powerful.  It shook me to my core.  I had to remember to breathe for a minute after reading.  It seemed to soak into my soul so quickly and found all the right places.  I knew in an instant what it meant and never had I heard truer words.  

to me...it is about:

1. Finding Grace

2. Forgiving myself and others

3. Making Peace with the raging fires within 

4. Accepting Healing

5. Holding onto truth

6. Letting go....and trusting Him.... letting go of fear

7. Not just listening to the still small voice, but finding ways to act quickly afterwards

8. Welcoming discipline in my life with a different mindset

All of these things I need so much....and in the end they all lead to a single solitary inevitable source.

At the end of the day, there is only one answer to me.  It is finding Christ.  He is the magic, he is the source, he is the well of never ending thirst.  He is the only balm that heals, that softens the mortar of hard brick walls we build to avoid him.  He is the only inevitable thing that ever will be.  He makes magic real, because He is magic.  He did the impossible, the unthinkable, the unfathomable.   He defies all description, His majesty unmatched.  They called the 3 Wise men who visited Him "mages".... Isn't that interesting.

Yes, the work both you and I need to do I believe, is about Him.  What keeps us then, from experiencing such a thing?  Just us....that's it...only us.  It is difficult to take this quote seriously and not feel like doing something about it.  It is like and affirmation that we didn't even know we needed, but immediately recognize as something we need to do..... at least, that is how I felt.  It will now haunt me as it should.  Would it be wrong for me to want the same to be for you....?

What if.....we decide to say these words again, I ask you... Shall we not act together, and do the work we need to do?  Shall we not find Christ together, you and I.  And then in some soon day coming, we can sit on some steps somewhere, and know that magic has filled our lives because we confronted the demons, the darkness, the dungeons of our fear and have done the work needed to save ourselves.

I know I need all the magic there ever existed, to get to where I want to get to.   I hope you do too....

Salute to Coco: Humility in Victory

I recently watched the 2023 U.S. Open Finals match between Coco Gauff and Aryana Sabalenka.  Oh my... what a match! 

I had seen both of them play before and know they are both great.  I thought for sure, as did most, that Sabalenka would win the match.  She is a beast, tall, super strong and hits the ball harder than anyone else in Women's tennis right now.  You can see her picture there.....as the band Men At Work would say:  "She is full of muscle"... (Land Down Under)

It was seriously one of the best matches I have ever seen....and one the most emotional as well.  Sabalenka won the first set pretty handedly.  Somehow Coco found her footing and fought back to win the second and then sustained her momentum and won the 3rd and the match.  Her first Grandslam win.  It was really something else.  What is unique about the U.S. Open is it is hosted in NYC and most of the best matches are played at night.  The NY crowds are really amazing.  They cheer like no other.  The crowd felt every emotion of every shot from the start to the end.  Of course having a hometown favorite in Coco helped quite a bit too!

I was already sitting on the edge of the couch watching this match. Just when you did not think there was no way Coco could come back she started doing little things that won her points and started to frustrate her opponent.  Coco does have one superpower -- just like Carlos Alcaraz, the newest best men's tennis player does..... the abilty to play defense better than anyone else.  Coco kept getting balls back that normally would be easy winners for Sabalenka.  It was almost like she couldn't believe that these power balls she was banging across the net kept coming back time and time again.  It was like it wore her mentally out.  Coco, was relentless and always kept her cool.  You can probably imagine the crowd eating up how well she was running down impossible shots and getting them back.  They went wild!

So when Coco broke Aryana in the 3rd set everyone started to reliaze she could win this thing.... and she did!  It was incredible.  Very David and Goliath-esque, (minus the permanent death thing).

The announcers were so excited, the crowd on their feel and I felt the familiar emotions rise up in my body and into my eyes.  It was so cool to see the underdog overcome and with such style.

After falling to the ground in joy after the winning shot, she jumped up and literally ran with body guards up into the stands and hugged her parents, coaches and friends.  She came back down and thanked the crowd and then she did something I haven't really ever seen done as intentionally as this.....she went over to her chair, and knelt down and put her hands up and it was obvious she was saying a prayer.  The camera stayed on her for a few seconds and then pulled away. It was almost like an invasion of her privacy....

I was already emotional, but once I witnessed this I was overcome a bit with a different kind of emotion.  It was spiritual, it was private and very sacred despite being on the huge stage she found herself.   

Her simple but very deliberate act of giving gratitude to God was so prominent in her mind.  It was like, I don't really care if there are 10,000 people in the stands, still clapping and cheering, I have to let Him know how grateful I am.  

I have often heard many artists, musicians, actors thank God when they win awards.  I am sure you have too.  But this was different.  This wasn't an outward reference for the camera, it was an inner one from the soul. It was very much as if she could have been alone in her own room with no one watching at all.  

Can I just say how much I loved witnessing that as it was happening live. I saw the sequence of everything that led up to it.  My respect for her grew 10 fold......I forgot for a moment that she was actually a tennis player and that this was a major Grandslam event in her sport.  I found myself wondering what she was saying.  I knew there was some "talking" going on.  This wasn't a quick hand gesture of the sign of the cross and a look to heaven that I see most athletes do. When she knelt I remember saying out loud in the room by myself "Oh...she is going to pray!"  And then she did, and the next thought that came immediately to my mind was "Oh, how pleased must God be with her."  The parable of the 10 lepers came to mind... only one came back to his healer and gave thanks.  The others were just basking in the victory, missing the whole point of the "win" which was actually finding gratitude and humility vs what the world would call the victory.

The TV announcers finally had their change to ask Coco about her praying..... here is what she said:  

“.....I realized God puts you through tribulations and trials. This makes this moment even sweeter than I could imagine […] I don’t pray for results. I just ask that I get the strength to give it my all. Whatever happens, happens. I’m so blessed in this life.”

 I learned a bit later that before every tournament she prays with her father that she and her opponent will be safe..... Pretty cool.... pretty sweet, no?

I found her authentic and proud to share her faith, but not in a loud or "preachy" sort of way.  The way that I often feel I would like to share but hold back.  She didn't pray to win.... but I do think she prayed to be victorius but I think to her that meant to win with God, to win with humility and gratitude knowing full well His part of that victory.  She didn't even stutter on that one!  It was clear who she was aligning with......and it wasn't the world, it was Heaven.

I don't think I will ever forget that match or that ending.  It was powerful to me and yet so simple.  

Well done Coco Gauff, I am so inspired by you.  

So much so that I started searching other athletes of faith.  There are so many!!  It lifted my spirits to see these champions acknowledge God for their success.  One who really stood out to me was Sidney McLaughlin, the Olympic Gold medal winner of the women's 400 meter event.  She is something else.  I remember her winning this race so well.  This is what she posted after her historic run:

 “I pray my journey may be a clear depiction of submission and obedience to God. Even when it doesn’t make sense, even when it doesn’t seem possible. He will make a way out of no way. Not for my own gratification, but for His glory. I have never seen God fail in my life. In anyone’s life for that matter. Just because I may not win every race, or receive every one of my heart’s desires, does not mean God had failed. His will is PERFECT. And He has prepared me for a moment such as this. That I may use the gifts He has given me to point all the attention back to Him. 2x Olympian, Olympic Champion, World Record Holder, Thank. You. God. 🙏🏽”

 

I am already in so much awe when I watch physically gifted athletes.  They are truly beautiful to watch!  but my respect meter is what really surprises me more and more when I see how certain athletes win, not what they won.

Jogo Bonito: The Beautiful Game

 I never knew what hit me....it took my legs out from under me.  His words literally took the breath out of me, like getting a soccer ball kicked in the stomach point blank unexpectedly.  

I was on my back, lying in the grass, people all around me looking down.  I saw the sky, there were some scattered clouds.... I could feel individual blades of grass pricking my fingers and arms.   Nothing to do but to gasp and wait for air to return while my senses were scrambled.

As I lay there the words flashed back.... those words that seemed so strange and foreign, yes, like a different language that my heart couldn't understand.  I couldn't compute...slowly, the words sunk in and registered.....down deep.  This wasn't just an errant kick...this was game over.  Strange, I wasn't even keeping score.... but I guess he was.  

What was it that he said...?  Oh yeah, that I was "getting better."  I knew I was trying so hard....but something was terribly wrong.  How could this happen just 30 days before the wedding...?  How come I didn't know sooner....  Could I have fixed it had I known?  What kept him from being truthful sooner?

You can imagine all the questions that besieged me, like a swarm of bats leaving a cave at dusk.  After giving him my heart, my love and my resources freely....  Oh what a fool I was, I thought... why did I give so much... even those moments of intimacy, all based upon a pledge and promise of unity? 

It didn't take long, my teammates and coaches came to my rescue.  They helped me up off of that turf, brushed the grass off, rubbed my knees for a minute, wiped my eyes, and then trotted off the field.

I didn't feel like playing for a bit.  I felt sadness and regret for my part of the mess.  I wasn't playing my best game, but I was hoping he would help me with that. In the end, he couldn't, he wasn't honest and he wasn't ready.  

If one decides to play at a high level, the games get harder, and players have to risk more in order to win.  I had a lot to learn about playing at that level, just as in life.

Feelings of loneliness and sadness evolved into courage and conviction, of who I was and what I could become.  I circled myself with believers, those who could truly see the player I could become.  I turned to Heaven and wrestled a bit with God.  Was he there I wondered for a few moments.....?  Why did I have to learn in such hard ways I wondered....? I wasn't sure of the answers, but I stuck with Him and He started to clear the path and brighten the road ahead.  I started seeing further with more clarity... I looked briefly behind me and saw smoke and mists that may have clouded my play.  I decided to not look back again, only forward, and with the brightness of the road ahead, I picked up my pace, held my head up, set the grit firmly in my teeth, and started moving forward, picking up speed like a locomotive building steam, creating momentum and gaining ground.

I stepped onto the pitch with a new outlook and felt the energy through my body.... This felt familiar, this felt good to play again with such a new perspective, a new mindset.  I shed the past with each step, and when I struck the ball it felt strong, as if renewed.  I played with new confidence that I hadn't possessed or believed in before.  It flows more effortlessly with each passing day....

Yes, that particular game could have been beautiful, but it ended way to early...... I guess he will never know.  I have no regrets.  No, I am not bitter, maybe a little madder because I see now some things through the fog.....but that is turning more into this hopeful kind of sad which is a pretty good description.  I am not 100% yet, but I am not the same player now, and know I am willing to do the work to win the long game.  

Funny, it is starting to occur to me that maybe, just maybe the best thing that ever happened was the brutal blunt kick in the stomach.  The one that ended that game.  The one which seemed like the best one ever.... Not so much now I think....No, I see a different game now.... a truly beautiful game, Yes!  It will be as the Brazilians say... "Um jogo bonito."  Maybe then...... I can leave this sadness behind and embrace just the hope of all things again.

Let Me Sit With You in Darkness

 

“Sometimes someone isn’t ready to see the bright side. Sometimes they need to sit with the shadow first. So be a friend and sit with them. Make the darkness beautiful.”― Victoria Erickson

I have heard of people who do this...I have always admired them. I have never felt I have done this very well.  I almost always find myself at a loss, because words don't work or don't seem to matter in the dark moments.  People never really hear them as they are intended, they are like dead darts that drop to the ground, unnoticed, dissipating into nothing. 

Learning to shift the energy from my mouth to my heart has been a lifelong pursuit.  To silence the lips, push back all the carefully crafted words I love to form so quickly and swallow them is most difficult.  It is in these moments when even if your words are good ones, true and right, it doesn't matter......they are wrong.  

Anytime two people set out to add a child to their union they will most certainly be confronted with many moments when they will be confronted with a variety of dark places and suffering  The first impulse is always to fix.  Isn't that what having life experience is all about?  To learn how to solve increasingly more complex problems as they accumulate in life?  How ironic, that when the darkest suffering comes, less is more..... despite having more wisdom from experience.  Maybe the greatest lessons of suffering are not about how to successfully navigate and overcome them.... I wonder more now if it is more about just having much deeper compassion, understanding, and unconditional empathy for others.  As if the deeper that well is the better....not a full box of tools to better "fix" people.

Learning how to "sit" with them in their grief is a herculean feat.  The conviction required to resist the almost overpowering force to take on their burden is nearly impossible.  Isn't it okay to want to take on someone else's burden?  To lessen the pain?    I grew up with a particular scripture in mind that said 

"Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God." Mosiah 8:19

In fact, I am reminded that I made a promise, when I was 8 years old to do this.  This scripture was part of my decision to be baptized.  This was one of the conditions of that covenant.....That I would somehow figure out and learn to sit with others in grief and darkness as a way to mourn with them when they mourned and to comfort those in need of comfort. I can tell you right now that message didn't sink in until many years later.   I learned that it becomes easier to mourn with others when you yourself have passed through fire and hellish experiences.  In fact, It is almost impossible to do it genuinely without having your own fair share of disappointment and discouragement.  I can say, that when I have tried to apply this scripture as authentically as I can over the years, I have seen it work. 

The best way to describe this principle and promise is to experience first yourself.  Think about one of your worst moments, you might have been sad, heartbroken, or distraught with despair...... Was the only thing that made it okay something so small or simple as a knowing smile, the hug that had a little extra in it, the tears in a friend's or parents' eyes, that came without words reflecting some semblance of understanding?  It wasn't the profound words someone said at the moment, was it?  Often, words come landing softly later, connecting the dots and finding a home of meaning, but not usually in the midst of the darkness.

Another thing I have learned is that it is often easier to model this with friends but much more difficult with your own kids.  If you haven't built up a pattern of sitting with them in their grief vs. talking your way through solutions then it isn't surprising parents are so ill-equipped to change their approach.

At times darkness arrives as adversity, persistently knocking on our front door begging to be invited in, other times we invite it in quickly through self-inflicted choices.  And there are those times when it comes unsuspectingly, cutting through the heart so easily beating the living breath out of us and knocking us flat on the floor.

It was poignant to read about Job in the Old Testament recently.  He didn't ask for his trials, they were heaped upon him as a test of his faithfulness.  I read with more interest than ever before when his friends gathered from afar, tore their robes, and just sat with him for 7 days.

 So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great. Job 2:13

I closed my eyes and tried very hard to imagine being one of them and what that would have looked like in real terms.  It was powerful to role play in my mind's eye what I would have felt after barely recognizing him with the boils on his body and face much less the loss of all his property and family.  The jaw-dropping scope of his loss is almost unimaginable to comprehend.  Then I thought about 7 days...not 15 min, not 2 hours, or even 8 that they spent.  But 7 days.  I loved that the author put a timeframe in there.  It came to me that it wasn't about an exact time, but rather it was very much about the commitment and diligence in living that covenantal promise.  Feeling truly sorry for someone is human, sustaining the ability to mourn with others over time is Godly.

Yeah, I am an adolescent in this space.  I would very much like to be an expert right now, because there are those.......yes, those that are so dear to me that I would gladly trade my place with theirs, to escape the biting winds of doubt, the terrible feelings of loneliness, or the crushing weight of confusion they are experiencing.  The dread in their gut is almost paralyzing.  Oh! That I could take that upon myself and give them relief....  But that isn't the answer.  If that really could be done I understand now, that I would only be robbing them of the experience they need to travel in the dark, to feel the weight, to walk with confusion so they can ultimately know of the relief that comes from such travels.

Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me.

Wherever you sit, I shall sit with you.....wherever you feel alone,  I will be close by, just out of arms reach, but close enough.  So, I will look for you there.... I will rent my robe, fill my eyes with tears, and sit silently with you in your grief. Whether it be 7 seconds, 7 days, or 7 years.  

When you feel the pangs of what might have been, I will take that ride with you, knowing that it is futile maybe somehow we can find beauty in the dark, suffering together knowing that it will lead to light, to Him, the only one that can take our burdens and replace the darkness with light.  

Yes, maybe it is worth it after all if that is where the end game leads us.  

Alert: Clear and Present Danger Ahead

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my distinct privilege to present: 

Alexa Chelta Brown

Take a peek, Yep.... Little Lexi Lu has gotten all grown up and is about to launch her new career as a flight attendant for Delta.  Tomorrow she leaves for Atlanta, GA for some heavy duty training for about 2 months.  She is ready to rumble into her next adventure.

This will be the first time she has truly left home.  She has traveled the world but this is a bit different.  This isn't just about a fun trip, no, this is about her career.  Serious business, no? 

As I thought of a good title for this post, this one kept coming to me.  I couldn't think of a more fitting statement to title this post.  She is no longer little and has far outgrown the cute nickname of earlier years.... 

She has always been a force to be reckoned with but now, she is now more armed and ready then ever as she recently just paid dearly for about 7 years of life experience squeezed into about 1.5 years.  Things that would have knocked most onto their back side not wanting to get up, she basically brushed her self off, looked up and outward and resolutely took major steps forward as if nothing had happened at all.  She has taught us all a great lesson in how to take a lump, swallow hard no matter how jagged the pill, and then to straighten up and take life on with style and grace.

She has been through refining fire and has come out with more red in her hair, deep resolve, stronger resilience, a bigger heart and confidence that is scary strong.  

Case in point, you know those recent posts of terrible passengers that get unruly?  Well, let me just say that they will not want to mess with Alexa Chelta Brown.... she has a lion's heart and and tiger's fierceness that will rock you if you dare cross the line.....  Yes, she might need a tiny boost pushing someone's overweight bag into the overhead bin, but she will "slice you up and spit you out" in any other category of messing around!  There will absolutely no "Mobbing with Mids" in her world.  This is why she wears the title so well...anyone who thinks they can get away with anything should be very very afraid.

She will single-handedly make flying safe again for everyone, which is pretty cool considering the quality of passengers these days. We can all take a deep sigh of relief as a result!  

We couldn't be more excited for her.  I hope you join me in wishing her the very best of success and happiness as she launches and lifts off her new career. 

So, Alexa, here you go... Jump forward, spread your wings and soar the skies with all you got girl.  You will be so great! 

It is both wonderful and terrible to see your youngest grow up so fast.....Terrible, that Little Lexi Lu is gone, but wonderful that she has become what she has -- an amazingly talented woman, with so much heart, potential and power.

As I think ahead and imagine in my mind being on some random flight in the future, and I look up and there she is, pushing the cart down the aisle serving everyone in her super deluxe uniform.  My eyes will definitely will well up and I can feel that ol' throat thing happening for sure....Yes, I almost hope she doesn't see me... how much fun would that be? 

........But, just in case she does see me, I hope, maybe.... just maybe, the Red Headed Terror might consider giving me the whole can of Coke instead of the measly cup with two sips!  

Here to wishing for full can of Coke!

Hallmark Christmas

 

Christmas was extremely special this year.  There was something so beautiful about ending a tumultuous year on such a spiritual and serene note. 

We gathered together and we talked about the many names of Christ and why each is so important.  We introduced an "Emmanuel Wreath" which is 24 candles each representing different names associated with Jesus.  We each took one name and so we covered 8 names that night.  Each member of the family did such an amazing job sharing what the name meant in general and then on a persona note shared what the name meant in terms of their own lives.  There was a very special spirit as each person shared their personal testimonies of the Savior and brought new insights to each name.  We lit a candle for every name and placed each on in its' respective spot on the wooden wreath. We watched the flames flicker as we listened to each name.  It was a very spiritual experience and it left me realizing how much power there is a name, especially His name. I was taken by the depth of everyone's experiences in researching and then reflecting on how the name they were assigned had impacted their lives.

This was a special Christmas in that we were able to be together with Landon as he came up to see friends.  That was a wonderful time to reconnect and be a family.

It was a also special because it was probably the last time we will be with McKenna and Aaron for a while as they took off to San Antonio to start their new lives together.  We hugged a little tighter and our hearts were really full as we said good bye.

It was a special Christmas because we invited God to be part of our lives this year more abundantly.  We reflected and shared the many miracles that have happened to our family over the past few years.  When you look for and seek miracles, they do come.  We have a deeper testimony of that and we feel so blessed to count as many as we did.

I love this painting that McKenna did for her good friends this season.  I wasn't able to watch her paint it but I just love it. It instantly caught my attention with the color scheme and the fact that is wasn't perfectly detailed with facials and background.  There is a spirit that emanates from it despite not seeing the faces of each person. I love the humility of those around Him, seeking and wanting to learn.  The unfinished background is like a reminder of the simplicity of the manager where he was born.  As if it doesn't matter where they are, but rather that they are in His loving presence.  

Having Jaxon join our clan was super deluxe!  He has won our hearts and has inspired us as we learn more about him and to be able to meet his incredible Mother and siblings.  Everything was better with him there and we are so grateful for the incredible person he is.  He brought his own unique perspective and spirit to the family and it made a difference.

I love that Christmas came on a Sunday this year.  A quiet service full of music was just right.  Simple, peaceful and light.  I feel our burdens were lightened and our spirits burned a bit brighter  than normal.

They say that if you can find Christ in Christmas then you win the prize..... I believe we did find Him more intimately this season and it did make all the difference in the world.  The lasting ripples of that experience will linger in our hearts for sure....