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Friday, November 27, 2015

The Artist's Part

“Maybe we should think of memory itself as a work of art—and a work of art is never finished, only abandoned.”
I remember asking my brother Roland, an artist, how he knew when a drawing or painting was done.... he hated that question.  He couldn't answer it.  It was usually an obsession, but then it could become a love hate thing......For so many a work of art is never done.... I can only imagine that Roland revisited a number of his works years later and could immediately see things to tweak....oh the "could have", "should have" syndrome must have been powerful....I  do remember times he would immediately call to attention flaws, or things he didn't like, things he remembered clearly and with much emotion, sometimes despair...  It was hard for him to look at his own work......

......Funny, I been looking at my "works of art"  from the perspective of a parent,   What if kids were the canvas....Could parenting be the palette of paint we are given?....I find myself wondering if all the "brush strokes" I did were the right ones.... was the texture right, did I capture the right feeling and was the technique good enough to shape them into the best they could be?

As the two oldest leave the nest, I cannot help but stand back and look at who and what they are.... Mostly I see them, their incredible selves.  Sometimes it is hard to see if I really added anything substantive here and there, but the more I look it seems much more about revealing what was already there...  Michelangelo knew:
Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.
Someone plays tricks in my head...One keeps whispering "you are done."  Another says: "you are never done."  Honestly the first one really seems appealing.  I tend to nurse that one, but like all things false, it is slippery and can't stay still.  I hear things like: "It's ok Aaron, you did your best... they will be just fine... Your work is done." .....  As if the painting was to be turned in as an assignment only to be thrown into the pile of other art "assignments" as if completed and ready to be graded by the teacher. Yes, I play with it.....but I know it isn't true.

So, I face the second one.... forever tweaking like Roland used to do.

Certainly they are living breathing works of art... they will never be "done", so therefore neither will I ever be done with the Artist's part.  As I slowly begin to accept this part.....I find I have more empathy now for artists.... I understand better now why they seem to be tortured as they reflect back on past art.  I remember my dear mother doing the same thing... wishing she had done this or that... where she "missed", never seeming to take credit for anything positive or good.    I remember almost getting angry with her for doing that... I didn't like that she did that in the least. What a useless activity I thought, to flog oneself for things that one cannot change.

Fast forward 30 years and I think I have a bit more understanding.  It is hard to not see your kids mistakes as your own as a result of that very intense creative art process of helping them discover who they are inside life's "block of stone".  I yearn to undo a few brushstrokes... I wish I had used a brighter color, one that would have shone better on them, that would have attracted more light.

For some artists, the better question to know when a work of art is done is "Is it overdone?"   Interesting... I remember keenly when Landon was about 15 that this notion came to be about getting out of his way, more than anything else.  Boy that was different "technique".  I don't remember them teaching that one to me in "Art school".  How does one apply that to the canvas?  That was a huge lesson for me...  Less is Better.  Now more empathy for the minimalists....I get it.  Thank you for your part in helping me understand.

For some artists the worst thing that can happen is that they actually really "finish" a piece.  It is very clear to me now.  I am never done... these works of art are never finished... there can be no walking away, only ever ending vigil...The work of art now needs the artist more than ever....... To think that they are done and somehow freed from your touch is true abandonment.  No, I will continue to dip the brush into paint and continue to brush the paint on.... however small or slight the mark may be....

Thank God for the artist's part.  May He gently guide and steer each stroke on every canvas.....

..... especially mine, 

who could be more undone?




Tuesday, November 10, 2015

A Girl Named Maria...

In 1979 I met a girl named Maria....

I was in 8th grade, she was in 7th. She was cute, popular and above all else.....nice! She was Argentine, but knew English perfectly.... Didn't know it at first, but spent many years in the U.S. (Secretly she still feels a bit "Americana"......)

She liked being called "Jose" (pronounced Hozy) That made it fun, and shorter!

I can't say we were deep friends by any means.  She was great fun to dance with and mostly I observed.....
Here is what I saw back then:


  • She was high energy, full of life, 
  • Passionate about things, sometimes loud (Argentine...!) 
  • But always fun and always positive. 
  • She was friendly, all about family, 
  • Unbeknownst to most, kept things close to her heart. 
  • She was thoughtful, sometimes insecure, but no one would have known that in a million years... she had us all fooled! 
  • She was an athlete, and a cheerleader. I would say most wanted to know her.... ok, more guys than girls maybe! : )

As little girls do....this girl Maria (Jose) grew up too.... She studied, lived, experienced ups and downs and then found the love of her life--her husband. They settled in Cordoba and had 4 kids. Amazing kids! She stayed fiercely close to her family. She was inseparable with her sisters then, and still now to this day! 

Fast forward to 2012... July I think... maybe June... I get a call out of the blue from Jose...  She says she is in SLC..... "No way!"   In all the gin joints in all the world how does she end up here?? Nonetheless my heart leaps for joy that she called....She is in town for a week long Suzuki violin festival. Her daughter plays the violin and she has brought about 20 other kids with teachers and their parents to this event. 

We meet, reconnect, it is beautiful! Memories flood back from days of Brazil... my other home....home of so many special experiences and feelings. She is all that she was before, but much more..... We talk of kids, marriage, growing up and where our friends have scattered themselves all over the world. 

She gives me a peek into this new world of music for her. She never played any instrument with any mastery but not only has she introduced classical music to her daughter, I can tell she is the ring leader of some local chapter or chamber music group that feels much like a "Start up"....Not a lot of money, but some passion and a lot of elbow grease to get something going. She didn't state it, but I could tell she was the one in charge.  She leaves....

She comes back the next year too! So much fun. Other friends came a long with her Sister. We have a ball. I start to see more and more what she was up to... what started with a few friends and their kids has been ramping up.... I just had no idea to what extent. I have a pretty good feeling she didn't either!  She knows in her heart someone is going to have to take on a leadership role with this grass roots movement that is now growing up with big boy pants!!

Upon her invitation I visit her and family in Cordoba (April 2015).  I see first hand what the power of one idea can do in the hands of a remarkable person.  If only I had a movie camera....

Being there in person is the only way to truly understand what Jose has done......I had to witness it with my own two eyes, this incredible miracle worker that is Maria Jose Patino. There are few that I have known that have dedicated themselves to a particular cause in such a way that leaves one breathless.... She is one.   

What she has done single handedly with her family to bring the gift of music to the city of Cordoba is truly unbelievable. She has funded, orchestrated and managed to get people involved to start and maintain classical orchestra to schools.  Hundreds of kids are now involved. It is amazing to watch some of these kids practice without an instrument in their hands... they raise an invisible violin and bow, and they follow the Maestro regardless... they practice the air... while they patiently wait for the kid next to them take their turn.....Oh, and this is on Saturday btw.....

I watched her completely open her home to dozens of kids and teachers several times a week to for music lessons, only to then hold late night meetings with volunteers in her kitchen to wrestle with administrative issues... I watched the Minister of Education visit a local school where MJ and a handful of volunteers pulled off an amazing orchestral performance that opened the door to much needed government visibility... I watched her give up her Saturdays to ensure that under privileged kids and teachers had a place to practice in little plain rented rooms in small neighborhoods, often rough ones--but that is where there is space. She was there engaged in talking with parents and volunteers providing the foundational support that this community needs so desperately. She took calls at any hour to help make decisions, to console, to empathize, to influence, to make whatever needed to happen, happen....I was there when she and her husband stopped at a local music shop late at night and paid for 3 more violins to add the hundreds already acquired...She does't think twice, she just 'acts'. When you ask her how she does it, she has no answer...she downplays it completely and takes almost no credit. 

When the kids actually start playing, she glows, she is lost in the performance....the tears well up and in that moment she knows...that this is her heart's work. These kids, have nothing. Their parents have so little to offer them... Jose treats every single person with dignity and as a peer no matter what standing they have in the community.... most are so modest in means.  She is transforming music in schools, she is bringing cultural dignity to her city and country. 

To me, this isn't really about music... it is about hope, a doorway to freedom and transformation of lives.... these kids will open doors that never would have been available to them without Jose.   She has set a true example of how to live an honorable life with no regret. And everyday she worries about the next, can she keep it up?  Will there be enough left in the tank? Will she get the help she needs?  How can she take it to the next level?  What if she can't?  Her humility carves the path for all things to work out in their own way.... 

I honor you MJ, and your family regardless of how many votes you get. I will never forget how I was marked by your work, and your heart.

Mr Holland did get to hear his Opus finally... Jose, you are hearing yours everyday.