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Monday, February 25, 2013

Note in my "lunchbox...."

So... a couple of nights ago, my daughter, Alexa (12) asks me "hey, do you use your latpop"  I replied "uh.. yeah" wondering at the question.... then she quipped quickly "the one in your work bag you use everyday right?"   Once more I said, "yup".  That was it... nothing more.  But my "spidey sense" was tingling a bit, but was numbed by the late hour and the fact I was a bit more focused on finishing the brownie I was eating....

Next day... I get to work, pull out my laptop and open it up to find this envelope sitting there which totally took me by surprise!  


I notice the gargantuan mouths she has drawn below the tiny eyes of each image and begin to laugh.... This is going to be a good day!  This is a first for me, to get something like this from her other than father's day...so I am feeling pretty excited. 


I open it up... begin reading....I find the familiar rhythm of her matter-of-fact style of getting to the point.  She hopes I have "fun" at work because she is going to have a horribly "boring" day at school.... as if to say:  "Fine Dad, you go have "fun" while I spend a day of pure misery standing in line at the DMV".  She has that twist wry wit that seems beyond her years, but she has been honing it since she left the womb!


Then she throws the unsuspecting curve ball.... she says that she wants to share with me her favorite scripture and hopes that it will help me.  The reference is Doctrine and Covenants 121: 7-8.  She says that it has helped her through some tough times that she has had......  wow.... This is no small thing.


I pulled out the scriptures and read the passages:



7 My son, apeace be unto thy soul; thine badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a csmall moment;
 8 And then, if thou aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy bfoes.

I was really taken back... I wasn't expecting something that would make me ponder about what she might be going through..... but that is what I did....I rewound the tape.... what could I be missing?....What challenges was she facing that I wasn't aware of?  I caught myself yet once again, realizing that I wasn't nearly aware of her little life and all she was experiencing.   I have come to feel so grateful for these little reminders in my life about my kids.  There is no way for a parent to cover all the bases... and to think that she would share this with me, something so personal and spiritual really touched my heart.  

Lessons learned:  
Everyone has problems, challenges and trials.... even a 12 year old 7th grader with crazy red hair.  Not everyone learns the lessons however.... fewer even find the greater purpose in them.  Alexa did this day.  She grew up like 10 years in one moment... in just a few words she made my spirit grow as well.  It was like I had to now see her more as a grown up, not a little girl anymore.  She was sharing important life altering experiences... amazing!  How blessed am I to be a recipient of something so special.... I was glowing the whole day!  She is my last, our 'baby', hmm.... not sure I am looking forward to our last growing up so fast... inevitable, but still so hard to accept.... I love you Alexa Chelta Brown... you are an inspiration to me!  Thank you for enduring your trials so well and learning how important it is to share them with others.....

..... God will exalt thee on high...



Monday, February 11, 2013

Sadness


I need to feel strong.... but I don't know how.

Everything about today was different, more like....."not right".  There was no flow, no familiarity, no consistency.


I "brushed" by everything as if I wasn't really there, just my empty body, no spirit, no soul.....no Aaron.


Unpleasantness clung to me like cobwebs....


Everywhere I looked today I saw things pulling me down.  I feel sadness way down deep... the kind that is beyond tears.... I feel I should be crying but it seems to easy .  People very close to me are suffering and I find myself without.... empty handed like a handcuffed bystander... my screams are muffled, no one can hear, like a bad dream.


....And yet, I cannot despair, or else all is lost, even hope.  And that I will not let go of.......


........ no matter what.